How do I get him to Listen! Any male Advice as well please....

[talie101]

I really am fed up with trying to get my dh to be amicable for the sake of the children! Feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

Cut long story short...exh texting me with his regrets of leaving, I cut him short saying no chance of reunion, he turns up at dd's school play with his girlfriend and starts communicating via solicitor with his access demands and threats to go to Court if he doesn't get what he wants!

HE has ignored my efforts to arrange a meeting so we can talk and clear the air and totally blanks me in front of the dd's when he picks them up....this really is having a bad affect on them again and I hate it. I hate him all over again, but I make every effort to speak to him in front of them for their sakes. I tried to tell him about the health of one of his dd's on one visit...he just turned his back on me, spoke to the dd's only and then drove away. I really could punch the f*ck out of him! He just doesn't get the impact this has on the dd's! I really don't care about his continued immaturity towards me but I draw the line at his behaviour in front of them!

He is claiming he wants more access and I prepared the dd's that they would be starting overnight stays again this coming visit (as I presumed this is what he wanted) but got worried because of no communication from him....text him to confirm and he declined! TELLING me when the overnights would next start and this would all be in next Solicitors letter! I have had to lie to my dd's now by thinking of some excuse why they cannot stay overnight! Ok, maybe I was wrong to presume but as the man is NOT speaking to me and just turns up for access I thought it wise to prepare them in case he expected this to just happen as a matter of course!

I have suggested mediation in my replies to his Sol but this seems to be avoided! Does anyone know if mediation helps with issues between you as a couple rather than as a family? I really don't think he has gotten over his feeling of guilt about leaving us and this keeps coming out every time he doesn't get his own way!

I can't see that he would enjoy all this tension and must see that this is harmful behaviour to the children? When we had 3 months of amicability, the children were happy and there were no problems, and access was progressing nicely but we have gone backwards again....he can't be that dumb not to see this surely? Aaaarrrrgggghhhhh!

I am desperate to make him realise the impact he has on the dd's....but don't know what else I can do!

[gillybean2]

Let him go through a sol if he wantsto waste his money. He will find out very quickly that courts look very dimly on a parent who refuses to attend mediation and makes life difficult. Keep doing what you can to facilitate contact. Put everything in writing so you have a paper trail to show everything you have done when you do go to court. If you are the one trying to accomodate him and he is being difficult you need to show it rather than have his word against yours. Also find a mediator regardless and make an appointment as court will want to see this and if you can get it in writing that he is refusing so much the better! Going along to the appointment on your own if necessary can help you get your thoughts in order and maybe start setting out your own parenting plan.

Also don't make promises to your children or put ideas in their head about when they will see their dad. Unless he has agreed something with you in advance (like overnights) then don't tell them it will be happening. Because without agreement in advance between the two of you, or a court order, you don't have to do anything!

Best of luck
Gilly

[lostdad]

First thing: Solicitors cannot order you to do anything. If you get this in a letter, they are trying it on.

Second thing: If he has denied mediation and then takes you to court, he is going to be asked the obvious question by the judge.

Third thing: If he wants overnight stays and then changes his mind and changes his mind again and then takes you to court, he is going to be asked the obvious question by the judge, also.

To quote the mediator I visted - `It only works if both sides are willing to compromise'. There are different kinds of mediation - I think Relate offer post-relationship counselling/mediation to clear this sort of thing up.

By all means offer to go to this sort of thing with him - you'll be able to say you tried and if he does drag you into court he will be making himself look unreasonable.

[lostdad]

And of course, if he does go to mediation eventually and it spares you the car-crash of family courts - great!

[littlewoman]

I don't think it's guilt, Talie. I think he is probably angry at you for not taking him back.

[littlewoman]

Despite the fact that my xh left for OW, he sees the split as my fault for not taking him back??? duh.

[talie101]

Thanks for all your advice.

GB2....only trouble is it costs me too!...and I really cannot afford it...on the positive I guess when he's drained me of my last savings I can get Legal Aid. Having gone through Solicitors/Court once before, it cost me nearly £10,000! Money that should have been in the bank to look after the children....but what does he care?! Like most men, I guess he gets to be able to spend money and do all the things with them that I can't afford!

Lostdad.. thanks for your sound advice, yes I didn't think about the Courts view on the matter...unfortunately I didn't have a particularly good experience last time...'Fathers Rights' rang loud and clear despite his abuse...just because he worked out how to use the System and was a 'good' boy for a little while before Court!

LW.. I think you are right about him being angry over the rejection...I think someone else said that in another of my posts too. He certainly makes me feel like I'm the one to blame for the split. He needs to stop attacking me and move on with the life he chose!...but we all know when the novelty/newness of a new relationship has worn off it's not always greener on the other side is it!

He's actually just dropped them off and spoke about 4 words to me! I get the distinct feeling this is the calm before the storm though as I'm awaiting his solicitors letter! I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt and do want to believe he has come to his senses though...can you all keep your fingers crossed for me!

I'm still going to push for Mediation and hope we get things settled.