Need to off-load sorry!

[glerpi]

I am having a bit of a tough time with my ex at the moment - he has finally given me the paperwork for the divorce and wanted to renegotiate our financial agreement. We drew up a table together of what he gives me financially - I recently found out that a £50 payment stopped in Jan of this year. Then he said he was feeling hard up so we took the amount down by another £50. He came back to me yesterday basically saying that i was a 'gold-digger' and that he wanted to pay less. I tried to get him to half the amount he wanted to cut and he got mad so I now find myself with about £60 of bills that our my responsibility now, he cancelled the dog's insurance so he has gained another £20 a month and then he chopped £140 off the amount he gives me each month to keep myself & the 2 ds... All of which means me doing a hack job on my budget and still finding myself with about £50 a month to squeeze out of nowhere... So I spent much of yesterday night in tears.
Tonight since about 11.30pm I have had 3 e-mails, 2 texts and 2 phonecalls each one getting meaner - telling me that I am a terrible mum, the children smell (!?), he hates the clothes they wear, i'm lazy and if he could he'd take the kids from me...and so on and so forth...
I'm just so tired, I am panic filled about the money to the point that if i think about it i start feeling like i'm going to have a panic attack, tonights allegations have left me feeling sick and completely not able to sleep. I just have so many regrets, I let him bully me into things back when he first left because he said he would come back and I keep wondering what happened to the bloke I loved so much. I feel like I am going to spend the rest of my life -or at least the next 16 years until the youngest turns 18 - being stomped on by this person and I honestly wonder if i can survive it - and if i will still be sane if i do.
Gaah - I hate that I am still letting him do this to me! I even had a row with my mum who wants me to pack my bags and move back 'home' but as that is nearly 200 miles from here and my ex has said that it would be 'over his dead body after a fight' that i could take the ds any further from him... she reckons that i am scared of him (true) that i am letting him blackmail me etc etc...
It's a shame the kids are asleep or I would just go to a corner and start screaming!!!!

No point to any of that I suppose except the virtual screaming anyway!

[littlewoman]

Hi Glerpi, you know that old line "you're such a shit mother, I'd take the kids myself if I could"? What a load of b*llocks that is for a start. What - and ruin their fabulous single lifestyle? Not on your nelly. But it's a safe thing to say, because they know you wouldn't give the DC's up. And of course it hurts like hell, so it's a damned good button to press, isn't it?

Got you nice and wound up I, expect, didn't he? Well done him. Next time, see his nonsense coming and don't believe a word of it.

Lone mothers are the unsung heroes (no, infact, I'm going to gender this word) lone mothers are generally the unsung heroines of this world. (and lone dads are heroes!)

Is it at all possible that your future arrangement can be done through mediation? Bet he'd be nice as pie in front of a stranger.

[gillybean2]

Don't accept less than you should for the children. It doesn't matter how hard up he is, all that matters is what his net income is. True there's a credit squeeze at the moment and we're all having to tighten our belts, but the bottom line is the net figure of his income and that is what you should be basing your calculations on.

To be honest the pet insurance isn't really child maintenace. If you choose to spend some of the money on that then of course you can, but the CSA wouldn't regard it as a maintenance payment or something he should pay. Looks like he's getting himself ready for some kind of battle over this.

If you have 2 children with him then he should be paying 20% of his net income (less 1/7th for each whole night on average he has the children overnight) according to the CSA caclculation. Is what he's offering close to this amount? Has he being paying over the odds up till now or is he now underpaying? The CSA aren't that good, but if he is seriously underpaying you should think about using them. Presumably you are working if the CSA aren't already involved? Have you applied for WTC, CTC and help with childcare?

As for the unkind words, all he has to fight you with are words. And while they might hurt (as they are meant to) all they are are words. You need to gain some confidence on how to deal with him. Keep copies of all the messages he has sent you. Sounds like you are going to need them. And then think about what you want to do to move things forward for you and the children. Once you know what you want (whether it be moving back nearer your parents, attending mediation to work through the issues, coming to an agreement re money and contact, how to find that extra £50 a month you need or whatever) then work out how you are going to achieve it.

Yes he could kick up a fuss re moving, but in reality if you are moving within the UK and to be closer to family support and he still has regular access and contact with the children which you are willing to facilitate it is very unlikely a court is going to stop you.

Don't get angry and upset (easier said than done i know). he is not worth it and you wouldn't want to be with a person who can behave in that kind of way in reality now would you!

Stay strong girl. Focus on what you want and start writing it out and working towards achieving it. Having something to aim towards, no matter how small a step forward, will help move you forward. That and time I'm afraid.

Best wishes
Gilly

[Freckle]

If he won't be reasonable over what he pays you, then let the courts decide within the divorce proceedings.

Once the courts have granted a residency order in your favour, you can take them wherever you want without reference to him, provided it is not abroad (other than for a holiday). Just let him rant and rave and ignore it. Let your solicitor deal with him through his solicitor. You don't have to take this crap unless you want to.

[glerpi]

Thanks all -

I am getting more money this way than i would through the csa - and our original deal was pretty generous. I have managed on less before (although without the kids) and at the end of the day I know i will manage one way or another...i know i am luckier than a lot of people in this situation, I just hope that this is now settled so i can manage it properly.
He has a law degree and therefore doesn't want lawyers etc involved at all - he is handling the divorce himself. He has also said it the past that if i force the csa on him he will do his best to make it difficult.

I guess a lot of my annoyance is the way that he has handled this...

Thanks again, I am a little calmer this morning...

[gillybean2]

I hope he is only handling his side of the divorce himself... You need to get some independant advice to ensure he doesn't do you over. He is a lawyer after all...

[madamez]

Oh shit, don't fall for this one. Get a lawyer IMMEDIATELY. Men who say 'Let's handle this ourselves' always ALWAYS mean 'I am going to make sure I do you over, you stupid cow, because you're only a woman and therefore I can outsmart you'.

[Tinkerbel6]

definately get a solicitor to deal with this so that you can get everything he gives you in writing, if the worst comes to the worse and you had to leave the house and move in with your mum then so be it he can't stop you, he sounds like a clever but manipulative man so get your free consultation with a solitor asap, good luck.

[MascaraOHara]

Get a solicitor ASAP and do not sign anything until they've given it a proper going over.

he is trying to bully you. You need to make sure you and your children get what you are entitled to.

men turn into utter tossposts when the cards are dealt (generally)