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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

opinions please, should I send this email (pretty self explanatory)

20 replies

usgirls · 26/05/2008 23:01

This is obviously going to be a sensitive subject and I don't want to get into an argument with you so emailing is probably best. The thing is, since dd and I have been here, your mum hasn't picked up the phone to see how dd is, let alone to arrange to visit. I know she has seen her on Sundays when you have her, and if she is happy with this kind of arrangement, that's fine by me. I find it sad (for dd) that she won't have a proper relationship with one of her grandmas, but if that's your mum's attitude, then it's probably for the best.
I am not at fault here, I did everything to let your mum know she could see dd whenever she wanted to, she has chosen this route. This has been upsetting me and I find it pretty rude to be honest, but I'm not going to waste any more time on it. As far as I'm concerned now, your mum, by her actions, has chosen to see dd when you have access and that's it. The fact that she took the present for dd to your house, rather than ours, pretty much cemented things. I have no doubt that dd's birthday card will be delivered in the same way.
I want, as I'm sure you do, our daughter to be surrounded by people who love her completely and who don't put her several rungs down the ladder under [his ds]. Of course I completely understand how your mum feels about [his ds], and can appreciate how lucky both you and [his ds] are to have her in your lives. But dd already has a grandma who absolutely adores her above anyone else and who is a very important part of her life, in the same way [his ds] does with your mum. Your mum has let her issues with me (whatever they may be) come in the way of a proper relationship with her grandchild and that's fine, we just need to draw that line in the sand, accept it and move on.
My dad's wife won't acknowledge dd and I'm very happy about that, I don't want dd to have anyone in her life who is negative. As my dad says about [his wife], it's her loss. And, for your mum, it's also her loss, not dd's or mine. Given that your mum and I have never had a comfortable relationship, it took a lot for me to make the moves to reassure her that she was always welcome to visit dd and, as that has now been thrown back in my face, the offer no longer stands. Your mum is a great person who has done so much for you and for [his ds], but, in this instance, I'm afraid she is wrong.

OP posts:

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littlelapin · 26/05/2008 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasingSquirrels · 26/05/2008 23:05

gut feeling, without knowing the background, is that seeing a grandchild once a week IS taking an interest and being part of her life.

sushistar · 26/05/2008 23:08

Seeing her grandchild once a week seems pretty frequent to me - you want your ex's mother to come round to yours all the time?
I think that's a bit strange.

itwasntme · 26/05/2008 23:08

Agree with CS, she sees her granddaughter once a week.. that is more than many grandparents!

sushistar · 26/05/2008 23:09

But as chasing squirrels says, we don't know the background, so forgive me if it's more complex than that

Surfermum · 26/05/2008 23:10

It's difficult to comment without knowing any background. But shouldn't you be having the discussion with his mum directly and not with him?

usgirls · 26/05/2008 23:13

Well, squirrels, xp only has access on a Sunday and in the last 6 weeks his mum has seen dd twice. On the other hand, she has just taken his ds to stay with her for the entire half term. When we were together, she'd come round with about 16 outfits for his ds and then say, 'Oh, and I got something for [my dd]'. I honestly don't mind, my dd has an amazing grandma in my mum, I just want to get closure on this issue and stop fretting about it

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PenelopePitstops · 26/05/2008 23:14

sounds like you are making an issue out of a non issue without the back story. If she sees your dd once a week whats the problem

PenelopePitstops · 26/05/2008 23:17

oh right, she might just feel uncomfotable seeing you and your dd despite your best efforts. Have you spoken to her directly

ChasingSquirrels · 26/05/2008 23:18

ok, that isn't quite how it came about in the OP.

Will sending the e-mail help with closure or will it just start unhelpful dialogue?

Does having typed it help without sending it?

I have lots of issues with my MIL, though luckily my H (recently separated) agrees with me.

usgirls · 26/05/2008 23:20

She doesn't see her once a week. Xp only takes dd there on occasion. I just need, for dd and myself, to establish there's never going to be this big grandma/grand-daughter thing going on with his mum and stop it buzzing round my head at 3am!

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choosyfloosy · 26/05/2008 23:20

OK, my honest reaction was that it is likely to cause a big blowup.

usgirls, if you are fretting about this issue, you obviously DO mind about it. And why shouldn't you? it's upsetting to feel your child is being treated unfairly. But my view is that this email will do the absolute opposite of improving relations between your child and her father's family.
In my view, closure doesn't really happen in family relationships.

She may feel that xp's ds needs her a lot more than your dd does - precisely because you are such a good mum. Try to see it as a compliment?

Surfermum · 26/05/2008 23:25

It must be really upsetting if she is treating her two grandchildren differently.

If you want to take this up though, I still feel you should take it up with her directly, not through your xp.

usgirls · 26/05/2008 23:28

ChasingSquirrels and Choosyfloosy, you are both so right, I don't need to send this email, it WILL end in tears. I'll just let them get on with it and keep my counsel (and dignity). Thank you so much. I feel better having written it though, even though I'm not going to send it. A sort of MN closure .

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ChasingSquirrels · 26/05/2008 23:32

I do know where you are coming from, I have sent e-mails to my ex that I probably shouldn't have send, but which I think I needed to send. And I know that writing them alone made me feel better - and sending them even better!
But in this case you are discussing it with the wrong person, will probably put his back up (it is his mother) and won't get anywhere.

Feel free to rant on here though!

heavy · 26/05/2008 23:33

what do you mean by closure? if you want her to choose between seeing your dd as much as her gs or not seeing her at all then I have to say your dd probably will lose out. she may not be perfect, you may be right but you can't surround your dd only with perfect people for her to go out into the world and feel let down.

heavy · 26/05/2008 23:35

x posts - think you have made up your mind already!

Surfermum · 26/05/2008 23:36

Why don't you print it out, screw it up and set light to it? As you watch it burn imagine all the feelings that went with it disappearing away with the smoke.

I've written loads of letters that I've never sent (to dh's x who was a right pain at one stage and really awful to me - we get on fine now and even have tea and chats!). I would never have sent them as it would have inflamed things no end, but there was so much I wanted to get off my chest and it helped me do that.

usgirls · 26/05/2008 23:42

I know, it's been deleted, but it felt cathartic writing it. And, you're right, it's his mother (who has, to be fair, done a lot for him, and it is a braver woman than me who comes between a wanker man and his mummy). Anyway, what it's done is cement things in my head, at least. Dd will never have the relationship with her paternal grandma that she does with her maternal grandma, and that's fine. DD really isn't short of people in her life who adore her. Just as long as grandma's birthday cheques come in (we'll see, dd is one in 2 weeks)

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usgirls · 26/05/2008 23:46

And thank you again everyone. I hope that I'll be able to help someone in the same way on here at some point. xxx

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