Am I being too harsh

[holdingpattern]

Okay Hi, I am a regular around MN but changed names for this question -(hope that works)

I have one DS (4). DS lives with me, his dad. I am divorced from mum. I have known someone for a long while (known before even being married). And she was a good friend.

Anyhow things were progressing apparently well perhaps moving into potential marriage territory and then things happened with my situation that meant at one point I said I have to go to court over DS vs mum and this could cost into the 10,000 pounds. I had expected some disappointment, but expected a bit of stand by you type of show. Instead I got a round of disapproval and how it was a terrible waste of money - as an objective observer.

I asked for a more non objective observer and got nothing. It transpires that as we are not (married) yet i.e. financially locked, she would offer no more opinion.

Anyway this rang huge alarm bells, and I decided on a rapid freeze of this relationship. Previously I had noted a distinct lack of interest in DS, but that had changed and everyone had met and things were moving along nicely. So now she says I have frozen her out and she is a good listener. But she is right, I have frozen her out of a topic which is very near to me, and imo she finds boring at best.

I am wondering have I been too harsh so seeking some lone parent opinion. I am extrapolating a lot here, but I would be very concerned that should we get together I would not be able to spend money in court and have to accept whatever happens in the future. I would have expected a little bit of we'll work this out together type of words (meant or otherwise), but a refusal to show any support tells you a lot too. Obviously thinking about her own future in light of this, which is fair enough, but ....

It seems to me that this is the type of person who sees DS just as an inconvenience. I don't have any intentions of putting DS in the back.

So tell me too harsh - or not the right person for me in my situation.

[Surfermum]

I don't think you're being harsh - I would say go with your gut instinct.

When I met dh he was just starting court proceedings to get to see his dd. If he'd been the sort of man who hadn't wanted to bother, or didn't want to spend the money getting the court order I wouldn't have wanted to have a serious relationship with him. From the outset his dd was part of our relationship, absolutely never an inconvenience and absolutely never boring.

[Fridayfeeling]

IMHO - she is not the right person and has different motives and goals, and you have not been too harsh

[snotbuster]

As someone who's been to court I can almost see her point. It's very expensive and doesn't necessarily get you anywhere. Having said that, it was (I thought) in my son's best interest and therefore I had to do it and don't begrudge the money I spent.
Maybe she's trying to stay out of disagreements with your XP it's hard to tell without a little more information. What is she like when actually with your DS?

[holdingpattern]

Thing is for a long time, she never used to ask about DS unless an after thought, and then you could tell the distraction would start.

Suddenly she started taking a more interested line (I thought finally she gets it!) and when she was with DS they got on superbly. Really great. However since I mentioned the change in circumstances, uhm he seems to have dropped of the radar again.

She's never met XP but never been shy of expressing an opinion. Sadly I think its the money aspect that annoyed her, which I say is understandable, but it doesn't bode well for the old sickness and health, richer and poorer line Hey I don't want to spend what is tens of thousands, but this is not a flash car I'm trying to buy, its about something that I would have thought by now she would understand is very very important and key to me. I just expected (even in a token gesture) of I'll be with you.

[lostdad]

If she can't accept how important your DS is to you now...will she ever?

I am looking to the future where my son is concerned. If a partner of mine tries to make me choose between her and my son, she's going to come second.

[snotbuster]

Well - sounds like you've got quite serious doubts. It's great that she gets on well with DS when she's with him, but you need support in discussing and implementing decisions about him too.
To answer your first question - no, I don't think you're being 'harsh', if your DP doesn't realise how important all this is to you maybe she's not the one. Can you have a very frank discussion with her about it? If she's not already a parent might be hard for her to understand..

[madamez]

Hard to say, without knowing more. If your DS lives with you, though, why are you going to court and why is it going to be expensive and possibly unsuccessful? That's the bit that sounds a bit odd to me. I wonder if you expect absolute, unquestioning support from a partner and that's why your current one is backing off a bit.

[holdingpattern]

madamez, yes DS lives with me, but we have no court agreement, just circumstances. If mum contests this or we seek a residency order then a solicitor has told me to expect a bill of possibly over twenty thousand. Which is what I told her. Mums reason for contesting is long and complicated, but does involve moving away and taking DS. The idea of going to court was not a light decision, nor would ever be a light decision, either forced upon us or required due to circumstances.

I was expecting support - not unquestioning - but yes support from a partner, especially over this issue. The level of support offered makes me concerned that in the end, should the unfortunate happen and I needed to go to court, and we were together, I would be told no - too much money. (which was implied by some of the stuff said). This took place maybe a month ago?

snotbuster, I do intend having a frank discussion - I had intended having it in the past, but she canceled on us a few time early on and then well the circumstances and my cooling off haven't lent themselves to a straight talking time.

[Freckle]

I don't get the impression that she's in love with you. More that she sees you as a secure financial future and the pending court case has altered that perception. She gets on well with your ds because, at the end of the day, she can walk away from him. How will she be when she is one of his main carers?

I do think that perhaps you need to walk away from this relationship, or at the very least put it on hold, as you will need all your engergies to secure your ds' future.

[LittleBella]

No you're not being too harsh.

Building a blended family is an an extremely painstaking, difficult task which takes a huge amount of commitment from both partners. It sounds like you're not seeing that commitment.

[Tinkerbel6]

holdingpattern I don't think you have been harsh at all, you needed support and all she was worried about was how much it was going to cost you, which she was probably thinking is how much less money you are going to have for good times, she doesn't sound child friendly at all, children come first and I think you have had some insight into how supportive this woman is going to be if you have any other issues concerning your son in the future.

[littlewoman]

your son is a waste of money? at this lady.

[alittleone2]

Message withdrawn

[holdingpattern]

alittleone2: food for thought. You point is well made. I guess I can be consumed by DS issues.

But I have gone over it in my head. Sadly I wish it were that way. Unfortunately its always been the other way round. Her issues up front. In fact I stopped talking about my DS until she would ask (since it seemed to bore her), but it used to be like "how is he doing" "oh right well" and a few lines later you can tell it was meant to be a "fine" answer Its dead funny but once I was very late (I mean late) for work, rushing to get DS to nursery and she called about a technical problem. I tried helping while driving, and then said I need to go into nursery, which was just ignored. When I repeated I got the phone slammed down.

For a while she changed where interest in DS seemed to be a bit more than a passing "fine" type of conversation. One of the reasons I thought things were going well and had changed.

I brought up the last topic of court, as it was quite heavy on me, but her emphasis was about the money, like get a loan from my brother, and how I wasn't rich anyway, how the money would be better for DS future, and I was wasting it. Some fair points in themselves, but not one word of support. She went as far as saying "you have family for support so don't worry". So I went to family for support!

I guess I have a knack for picking people!

[littlewoman]

She felt your family could talk you through it, and support you emotionally, so she didn't have to, is that what you mean?

[holdingpattern]

I guess so, well I am guessing. I was getting a bit peeved at the time, so I was thinking "yeah you're right family it what you can count on - not you"

[macdoodle]

Hmm I think you are right - how would your DS feel of you didn't fight for him because it cost too much
As your DP she should be behibd you 100% in this I am afraid ...look for someone who will love your DS because he is yours and not see him as an inconvenience or an expense How horrible for you

[noaddedsugar]

Before I had dd, I was in (something like) this situation and acted in much the same way as your partner. When you're with someone with a dc, you know you'll never be number one in their life, you'll always come after the dc (and in some way, after the dc's mum who is the mother of your child). It can make you resentful, particularly if your xp is making your life difficult. Sounds like your current p tried initally to pretend your son didn't exist and that she's now hoping maybe that he will go and live with his mum so you and she can have a 'normal' relationship, without a four-year-old in tow. All of this would have been perfectly understandable to me before dd. Now, however, I know that nothing and nobody will ever be more important to me than my dd and I would fight to my last breath for her. People who don't have kids will never 'get' this. I'm not saying that this stops them being good step-parents (my own step-parent doesn't have kids and is great), but if your current p isn't even putting the effort in and is plainly thinking about the 'waste' of 20 grand, then just be pleased you found out before you got married to her.

[holdingpattern]

thanks for that noaddedsugar. What you say seems to fit very well. She has seemed somewhat disappointed that DS stays with me, and for a while wouldn't accept I had to look after him. I am guessing as a non parent, its perhaps hard to understand how much time children can take. The only other children she sees is her nephew and he was given to grandparents as parents went to work or holidays (and he was deemed too young). My DS is very clingy, and she couldn't understand that at all.

But I can understand that too, (though I can't remember how I would have felt before having DS). But it has been very clear from early on, that this is how it is.

Yes I do view it as lucky - every cloud has a silver lining. Better to have seen it now than when it really would have been a big problem.

and macadoodle, my view too. Though not sure how I would feel either knowing I didn't do what I could do.

[littlewoman]

I think a daddy who thinks their child is worth tens of thousands of $$$ is a diamond, considering some of the dads you read about in these threads.

You and your ds deserve somebody far more worthy of you both. I hope it doesn't hurt too much breaking up with this lady, and I hope you find your more special lady soon.

[lostdad]

holdingpattern, I am wondering if I know you from elsewhere.

LW - you're spot on. There are good and bad parents of both genders. I'm hoping I will find a special lady too at some point - I've not got as involved with someone as much as holdingpattern, but a couple of potential relationships have already been killed because I have made it quite clear that I am a committed father.

[holdingpattern]

littlewoman, you have got to hope , and if that means wait for long time, then so be it. But looking at these forums those people do exist out there

lostdad, you mean from out of these forums? My disguise not good enough, the fake moustache falling off ? oops. Seriously I don't think so, but who knows who knows .

[Twinkie1]

I was probably a mad ranty person going through custody case for DD when I was first with DP (who is now DH) he stood by me, listened, gave evidence in court and paid a huge sum of money to help me along with the fees for the solicitor and barrister - he said nothing was too much trouble and to be honest that is the sort of attitude I woudl want from anyone who is entering into a relationship with DD and I!

I would end it immediately.