Do I have to hand 11-month-old dd over to her father if...

[amfay]

...I know he drinks and drives, although he hasn't been caught so I couldn't prove it in a court? ...he lied to me about where he was taking her the first time he had her on his own? ...because of the above, I genuinely don't feel I can know she's safe with him for five hours? He does have PR and I have texted him to suggest we all go out together this coming Sunday, but haven't heard back from him. This access thing is really getting me down, I just want to keep dd safe and happy, I don't want to stop her seeing her dad, but neither can I sit there consumed with worry and panic every time he takes her out.

[piratecat]

hiya,

ithought it was the same person! I couldn't find your original post, had to do a search. Wondered if you had managed to read?

here

as you are still so worried then I would say no you don't.

If he is truly putting your dd at risk, then no. he will have to prove himself.

You sound liek you want someone to say 'no' you don't have to. I have been thru this, and tbh wished I had steppedin earlier with my ex and said no, when she declined to go with him.

[piratecat]

so no, let him kick up a fuss.

take control.

[amfay]

And am I legally obligated to allow dd to see her half-brother (his son)? I'm only asking in case I need to have a threat up my sleeve, xp has a tendency to threaten to see me in court , so it would be good to know about the sibling thing.

[amfay]

Well, it's only Tuesday and I'm already worried sick about what's going to happen on Sunday si it's fair to say I have real concerns!

[piratecat]

you poor thing.

I don't think there is ANY reason good enough for your dd to have to go with someone you believe will put your dd at risk.

You will have to stand your ground.

If and when he calls to arrange sunday (if he hasn't already done so), you can try these options.

The first being, that you don't trust him with dd after last time.

Which is the truth but will probably turn into a row, and if you relent, he may or may not tell you where he is taking dd.

Secondly,

You can blatantly lie, and say dd is not available on sunday (think of somewhere you have to be/go) and prepare for the angst. If he gets very angry, you can just say, you will have to see her another time. This will buy you a bit of time, to sort out how you are going to deal with this long term.

If he threatens court, then let him. If you truly want this to be done properly then he would have to go and get a court order. This buys you more time.

He cannot physically remove your dd from you.

If you think he's going to turn up, then be out. I had to do this once, as he was ignoring my dd's pleas.

In the end I went home, but got my dad to come with me.

[amfay]

Am speaking to him about this on Thursday now. Am going to explain to him how concerned I am and insist on some ground rules, i.e. he never puts dd in the car and takes her to his friends (where he always drinks), if he wants them to see her (which I don't want, but know that's one battle I can't win), they have to come locally, and I have to know exactly what his plans are and if they change. A friend suggested I also tell him that I will call the police at any random time he has dd and tell them he's drink driving. If he won't agree, or I find out he's lied, I'll stop access and he'll just have to take me to court. What exactly happens in court by the way? I really don't want it to come to that, but I will go to the ends of the earth to protect dd.

[amfay]

Oh, he's agreed that we all go out together this Sunday, at least. He acts like he has all the cards stacked in his favour and he just has to threaten court and I'll cave in, arrogant prick. He's one of those men who thinks they're always right and nothing is their fault, he is also in denial about his drinking, despite having a massive seizure last year brought on by alcohol (he had a drink as soon as he was let out of the hospital, and he has four complete tossers friends who encourage his drinking (to make themselves feel better about their drinking one can only imagine) and are really spiteful and nasty. My best friend says I need to call his mum and tell her he drinks and drives with his son and I'm not being difficult but I can't allow that to happen with dd. But I think that'll be a last resort, she knows he has a drink problem but has never addressed it, and tbh, she's a bit of an overbearing cow.

[amfay]

Er, I though two hyphens equalled a strike out!

[madmuggle]

IT does, but only on a word-by word basis

Good luck with your ex tosser partner