What if mature, amicable co-parenting hurts too much and you need to have nothing to do with X for your own sanity?

[Twoddle]

I've been following some sterling Mumsnet advice for the past week in having nothing to do with XP, other than texting in relation to DS drop-offs. DS (3) has switched between us via my parents, and I haven't seen XP. I have been coping a lot better having that distance.

However, I know the general advice is to be calm and civil with one another for the kids. Can we do that simply via text and e-mail? I don't have to see XP, do I? He has done such hurtful stuff in the past six months that, forcing friendliness with him - even though he can with me, and it would be "for our DS" - feels fundamentally wrong. Instinct is telling me to self-protect and have next to nothing to do with this person.

I suppose that, while this is working for me and helping me heal, I'm wondering if I'm doing the "wrong" thing?

(I should add that DS is seeing his dad, sometimes reluctantly, two or three times a week; just not the two of us at the same time, even for a little bit.)

[littlewoman]

I had this problem for a long time, and in some ways still have, Twoddle. I really felt that to be civil to the man who had just left his family for an OW (and me with 6 kids and all the debts) would be tantamount to saying "it's ok that you did all that", and I would have been found dead in a ditch before I was found talking to him civilly.

If I had to speak to him, it was never civil, but I kept it away from the children. I don't give a flying beaulocks what people say, I was not ok, my kids were not ok, IT was not okay. I am a lot better now, but sometimes I still want to text him and say "don't phone me. I hate your guts and it pisses me right off when you pretend we're terrific pals" Once, I would have sneaked down the road with my mobile and told him what I thought of his friendliness towards me. Hilarious that I hid these conversations from the dc's but I was screaming so loud that the rest of the street heard every word lol.

Who can tell you in what manner you must heal yourself? So long as you don't hurt your dc's doing it, do what is best for you. There is no wrong, so long as your son still sees his dad and you don't slag him off to your son (although personally I have done this a couple of times, despite my best intentions. Come on ... we're not bloody superwomen. I was a mental headcase, at the time, I kid you not, so how anyone could expect 100% cool civility from me is beyond my ken).

You're doing your best, clearly. That's never wrong ((()))

[Twoddle]

Thanks, littlewoman. You were up later than me!

I've followed a few of your posts, and I sense it really does leave a scar, doesn't it? I know you've moved on - with a new man, I think? - but the pain is still there, albeit diluted, yes? Bugger.

XP collected DS from my parents' this morning while I was out of the way. It is torture, sending him off to have this dimension to his life with a man who's going to teach him some seriously questionable stuff, morally. I agree with you: forced civility, or friendliness, would feel like condonement, on some level. And what he has done is absolutely not OK.

I'm also avoiding XP's parents. DS still sees them during his "Dad time". I find it tough that XP is his mum's blue-eyed-boy and can do little wrong in her eyes. That feels insulting to me.

DS still sees his dad and his family, just not XP and I together, and that could be best really, as he's not sensing the tension.

Sometimes, I really don't know that I can keep going with this new way of life.

[motherinferior]

Twoddle, if it would be any help whatsoever, I wrote an article on children after divorce/separation about a year ago. If you would like a copy, do CAT me.

[littlewoman]

Yes, the pain is still there. I loved him, eh? I laughed at your 'bugger' comment .
What you most want is the pain to go away, don't you? You think 'I could cope with all this if it didn't hurt so much'. I hope it will one day. At the moment I'm not sure it ever will completely vanish, but it certainly feels less with every passing year. I wonder if one day it just goes away completely?

A lot of it is the injustice. I feel bad because I can't cope with 6 children on my own, and I don't want to. The fact that I don't want to cope with 6 children makes me feel like a terrible mum, and I used to be a lovely mum. That's not fair, is it, because the children have lost their dad AND their mum effectively?

I dropped contact with MIL too. She always hated me because her son 'deserved a virgin' for his life partner, not a mother with two previous children. Please tell me why I couldn't see all this coming when he had a mother like that?

Hope you're okay, Twoddle. One day at a time, or whatever chunk of time you can manage, just do that ((()))

[Twoddle]

Thanks, motherinferior. Yes please. Have CATed you.

[ChasingSquirrels]

MI, I don't have CTA - could you e-mail to to me please
[email protected]
Thanks.

[taken4granted]

MI I dont have Cat either - is there any chance you can e mail me [email protected] as well Ive just found out that my lying ex scumbag has another woman as he celebrated leaving me an dd by going to Paors for w/e - what man goes to Paris of all places on their own so thats proof enough he went with someone else hes also going to Doha at the end of the month something he would never do when we were together as he wouldnt fly long distances I need some really good advice on trying to stay calm as Im not handling this new information particularly well

[littlewoman]

Twoddle, got a message from you. I don't know if you would have received the reply, I've got no clue how CAT works, but have your email addy now so I could always try there directly. So sorry I took so long. I don't check my account often, but I am very willing to talk to you.

T4G, if you want to talk, you know we will listen and support you.

[charliecat]

I try to have as little to do with my X as possible.
Set Days have helped enormously.
If we still got on, and were all friendly we would never have split up in the first place, so niceness doesnt come into it with us.
Just time and dates and instructions on which child needs to be where.
If I do speak to him he pisses me off and my blood pressure rises and its better all round for us not to.
The kids seem fine with it.

[ProfessorGrammaticus]

Just don't underestimate what the kids pick up on - it is always more than you think it is, sometimes much more.

[charliecat]

well its clear mummy and daddy dont get on thats for sure. they would have gathered that by the screaming arguements that we used to have which is why we are now seperated and us not talking is a lot more pleasant..

[ProfessorGrammaticus]

Charliecat - my message wasn't aimed at you specifically and I wasn't being critical, just factual. I know it is a hard situation but adults often choose to believe that the children pick up on less than they do and are affected less than they really are.

[charliecat]

Ok Mine dont cry and whinge and moan and say oh i think its awful that you two arent together anymore.(I have saw other kids do this)
I am ASSUMING they much prefer the peace and quiet and less tense atmosphere of our home now. I certainly bloody do anyway and happy mummy = happy kids.
Sometimes;)

[charliecat]

Ok Mine dont cry and whinge and moan and say oh i think its awful that you two arent together anymore.(I have saw other kids do this)
I am ASSUMING they much prefer the peace and quiet and less tense atmosphere of our home now. I certainly bloody do anyway and happy mummy = happy kids.
Sometimes

[charliecat]

obviously i feel so strongly about the matter i want you to read that twice

[TheUnsinkableMB]

I know how you feel Twoddle, quite often I think it would be nice not to have to talk to my xp ever again.

It really bugged me that the court's attitude is 'we don't care what he did to you, or is continuing to do to you and your dd, just get on with it'.

Easier said than done mate.

The man covered my body with bruises and I'm supposed to be friendly?

[glitterfairy]

I never talk to my X we email each other but that is all and that is best for me.

He managed to do things to the kids as well as me so the kids totally understand my stance.

I wont ever see him again and whilst it may make the kids life more difficult with school productions etc, it is also my life, my choice.

[SparklePrincess]

I dont blame you for not wanting to see your ex. If I never saw mine again it would be too soon. It sounds awful, but id be so relieved if he were to die in an accident or something. The kids would get over it very quickly because he`s never been a proper dad to them anyway.

its come to that.

[glitterfairy]

I felt like that sparkleprincess. Be a bit more sparkly and take note that I dont any longer because he no longer matters and has very little impact on our lives these days.

He just buzzes angrily in our ears once or twice a month but apart from that he is not really a threat or a pain anymore. (I am touching wood like crazy here though).

[SparklePrincess]

I cant wait until we get to that point glitterfairy. I fear its a long way off though.

[glitterfairy]

Taken nearly three years sparkle!

[SparklePrincess]

Unfortunately that is the problem here dittany. He has, & continues to be a selfish controlling bully. Im desperate to keep things amicable for the sake of the dc, (who have been through enough already) but he finds it impossible to consider anyones needs other than his own.