Never good enough

[lostdad]

Since my ex left without warning taking our son almost a year ago, I have built contact up to a heady four hours a week. She hasn't spoken to me at all since she went (and made unfounded physical child abuse and DV allegations that never actually made it to our first hearing) and the only thing I get by way of communication is silly sniping. What is telling is that when I do something to address her comments about one thing...something else comes up.

She needs to know where we go, for how long, what he eats, how much, when and for how long he sleeps, etc. etc.

My son is well cared for. I am a responsible parent. I have excellent support from family and friends (including quite a few mothers with children of the same age as my son!) who, like any other parent I talk to, swap tips and compare notes.

He's happy when he's with me, trusts me and quite obviously loves me.

Things are getting better, but they would be so much better if she would talk to me so we can work together. I am at a lose to see what she hopes to achieve with her actions other than hoping that I will give up in the end. That's not going to happen though!

[neva]

I take it your son is very young in which case it is not surprising she needs to know what he has eaten and if he has slept etc. She needs to know when he next needs feeding, when he is due another sleep etc. There is no way you can make her talk to you, though. Perhaps she feels it is better not to talk, if it ends up as an argument. Perhaps try letters/email/text if she is more comfortable with that. You say things are getting better, so that is positive.

[Tinkerbel6]

I agree that you should both talk and work together for the benefit of your son, I know it probably irrates you when she asks all those questions but its normal and I think every mother wants to know where her child is being taken on an access visit, she probably wants to know about what he sleeps and what he eats to see if he is fed properly and isnt being kept awake and run ragged whilst he is with you, any good mother would ask those questions

[neva]

I agree Tinkerbel that in an ideal world all parents would talk to each other for the benefit of the child. However, in some cases that is not realistically going to happen because feelings are too raw; or maybe because one of the parents has an aggressive communication style which leaves the other unheard/intimidated. (I am not suggesting that is the case here, just giving examples). So if face to face communcation doesn't work, then written communication is the next best and at least avoids 'sniping' - hopefully.

[Tinkerbel6]

neva im a single parent myself and have written the same as you so theres no debate

[Surfermum]

How old is he lostdad?

Tinkerbel's right she could just be genuinely wanting to know how he was - they're the sort of thing I ask my mum when I pick dd up after a day's work.

But equally I can understand how you would feel like she doesn't trust you with him. I guess the key is how she asks you, and only you know that. Is it interrogation or "handover" stuff IYSWIM. I can remember dh getting annoyed because his x demanded to know where he was going to be with dsd, yet when he asked her the same question he was told (in no uncertain terms) it was none of his business!

My advice would be to give her all the information she is asking for. Don't give her any reason to argue or moan about anything. Dh could have said "well you won't tell me what you do with dsd, so why should I", but what was the point? What was important was that he was seeing dsd and she was having a great time. If that meant appeasing her mum to do so then so be it.

Like you, dh and I would say that we wished his x would just communicate with us for the sake of dsd. But what we had to do was wait for dsd's mum to come to that conclusion in her own time. Dh tried to talk to her about it but it just caused more aggro, so we left it. We're 8 years down the line now and things are much better, I'm sure because we let dsd's mum do things at her own pace rather than try to force it ourselves. But it's frustrating isn't it?

[ChorusLine]

My friend has the same scenarios as you but it 50/50 access and he has to e-mail everything they have done/eaten etc. They just cannot get on verbally - its 3 years down the line and no change, he doesn't think it will for a while but e-mailing works for them.

Its natural for a mother to want to know - he tried to rebel and not report everything so she banned him from seeing the children