need help figuring out what to do now alone.....

[subs]

i left my baby daughters father (sorry - not good with the acronyms) four months ago when she was 11 months.

we left because he is the most childish, self-cenred man i know and has a major drink problem. since she was born he has never got up in the night once, bathed her no more than ten times (because he wanted to stay at work drinking rather than come home to see her and then go out), has spent mortgage and food money on???, and sat watching tv because he was tired (hungover) while i did all the bills and paperwork, bought our house, did all the cooking, cleaning, washing, DIY childcare etc.... end of rant
i left because, ultimatley, i do no more now as a single parent - but now i am no longer let down every day, and nor is she. though she was never unhappy before, the difference in her when we moved out was huge.
since seperating he has crashed into a heady dperession duing whihc he has sashed his head gaianst the outside of my flat while i hid inside with my baby and his older daughter, and generally been an absolute nightmare.
now he is taking prozac and seems to be coming out of the depression... but this is just the last few days and cant be relied on yet. usually, he is drunk/hungover/selfobsessed/morose/nagging and ab=ggressive.
he has never made enough effort to see his older daughter (who lives really near) and seems to see spending time with her as a effort rahter than a joy (she is wonderful child)
i have some great friends nearby, but often my baby and i are alone (weekends are really tough) because everyone is married with kids, or single and partying
although i am 90% happier than evr with my baby, iam lonely and life alone withouthelp/babysitters/support is tough
plus i really want her to have a posiitve male rolemodel in her life, which she doesnt have here
my family are all in london (we are in bristol at the moment) and after the last time my ex was so hideous, i seriously thought about moving back there - i would have support, loads of friend around. my baby would be around family (and my brothers first baby girl is due immenently and my mum would love it if we were closer) and, i guess, not around her father when he is depressed and self obsessed.
i know part of what is right for her is what is right for me becuase i need to be strong and supported to care for her properly but....
but is it wrong to take her away form her dad?
help

[wobblyknicks]

Am sorry that I haven't got time to write a long post - am sure someone else will soon but in short NO. You are entitled to take her away - he's done it, not you and you need to look after yourself and get the support you need. Its his fault his daughter is going, not yours.

[pixiefish]

Bristol to London isn't horribly far if he wants to see her- he'll just have to make more of a concerted effort that's all. good luck with it

[mammya]

I don't think it's wrong. Do whatever you need to do for you and your dd to be happy and safe.

[subs]

thanks girls - good to know i not being a terrible mother... anyone else live a long way from their babies' fathers? how does it pan out?
and does he have a legal right to say where we can live?

[anorak]

If you are so much happier without him, you must have done the right thing. Babies are hard work and often mothers put up with outrageous fathers because it is too hard to go it alone. So I would say, if you are so much happier, you must have made the right choice.

Given his attitude to his older daughter, I wouldn't hold my breath for him to be falling over himself to visit your daughter.

Get yourself to the next mumsnetter meet-up near where you live and meet some other mums to give you companionship and support. Babies of that age are portable - there is nothing stopping you meeting friends or having them to your place in the evening. Make sure you meet people and don't feel lonely. You sound highly capable. Use your skills to carve out the life you want for yourself and your daughter. I did when I split with the father of my two dds when they were 1 and 4. I had a much better life than I would have had with him, because I wasn't being bullied, used, dictated to.

Make your plans and go back to London in due course. Make the life you want xxx

[anorak]

No he does not have the right to say where you can live!!

[subs]

thanks again- how do i find out about the meet-up?
glad to know you happy with your babies
xxx

[spook]

Hi Subs,Just a quick post before I get my boys up. I am on my own and have been for 7 months now. I have 2 boys 5 and 7. We live in Newcastle and as soon as we get our house sold and a divorce settlement we are relocating to London. It is not wrong. In an ideal world we would all be happy families and live together.Unfortunately for some of us-through no fault of our own-that is not the case.You go where you know you will be happy and your DD will have the love and support of your family around her. My solicitor told me that no judge in the land would stop me moving where I wnated to within this country.But-he left me for another woman.. As you DP was an abusive lazy drunk then I'm pretty sure you will have exactly the same rights but it may be worth checking that out.Or some wise mumsnetter will tell you on here today. Anorak has already given you her invaluable advice. You make the decision and go for it! And I'll see you in London...on our own but happy Good luck honey XXX

[anorak]

Subs...check the threads under the meet-ups topic heading and see if there is anything in your area. If not, start a thread of your own and see who lives near you.

[tammybear]

hi subs, my exp (dd's father) lives 3 hours away, and has done since beginning of the year. he comes and sees her every so often. We don't get on too well, and he does try his best to mess him around and complicate things for me, but I try my hardest to rise above it.

You have to consider what is best for you as well as your dd. Having your family around you will be a great help. xxx

[Amai]

It sounds to me like your exp is going through a lot of problems. Men resort to drink and working long hours to avoid situations especially after their partner has had a baby. You should leave him to sort his head out with a professional counsellor as getting involved yourself may not help him, you or your children. Good luck and well done for being so brave.

[babyface]

Hi there. I am in a similar situation, on my own, with a 10 month old and 2 older children. My ex left of his own volition, but life without him (8 mths on) has turned out to be so much easier...even with 3 kids...I am only just realizing quite how much of my life was spent doing 'his' stuff, and I now have far more free time, even with the baby.
Anyway, he is still living very nearby and I think it might actually help to have a bit more space from each other (live further apart)to give more structure to his time with them, i.e. defenite days, times, etc. I think if a Dad really wants a relationship with his kids it is ultimately his responibility and sometimes we can keep them from having their own relationship with their kids by doing so much for them ourselves. Hope this makes sense, it has been going round and round in my head for a while and this is where I have got to.