Fiance leaving me a week before I return to work after maternity leave

[Poppysma]

I suppose I am just writing this for a bit of support, as I know what a great bunch you all are for saying the right things....

My partner has today announced that he wants to leave me, and I am due to return to work next Monday. My DD is just 3 months old and I feel like I have been totally dropped in it. He gave up work last week and was meant to be looking after DD when I go back to full time work. Now he wont even talk to me to try and reconcile the problems, or even tell me what Ive done. He has just totally pulled the rug away from under us. I have such a limited amount of time to sort out the practical arrangements, and cant even think about the emotional side of things.

I have a 15 year old daughter (not his) who he has never made an effort to get on with in the 3 years that we have been together, which has always upset me greatly. I tried talking to him about this- about how she needs to feel happier and more secure at home and not just nagged at all the time - and he blew his top. Said he wanted to opt out of any involvement with her, then launched into how much he has hated me for the last couple of weeks. I feel so low, and worry about the effect this will have on the children.

How can I resolve anything or make any progress with someone who refuses to talk. And how long can I wait?

Any kind words of support much appreciated.

[feb]

oh poppysma i'm so sorry. don't feel qualified to give advice but I know a lot of men struggle to deal with the arrival of a new member of the family.
hope things work out
x

[Chelseamum]

Oh sweetie! I wish i could be there to give you a big hug and tell you that in the end everything will be ok.....

[beansprout]

Oh how horrible of him. Is he still going to be living at your house? If he isn't working I don't see why he can't look after his daughter while you are at work?

As for you both, having a baby is like chucking a grenade into a relationship. It is always hard. Does anyone else know yet? Is there someone who can have a chat with him?

Re alternative childcare - your local council will be able to give you a list of childminders and nurseries in your area.

I'm so sorry this is happening.

[collision]

What a swine!

From a practical point of view, if you do split up there is no reason why he cannot still look after the baby.

You would be able to find a childminder at short notice, Im sure.

where do you live?

From an emotional point of view, babies are such hard work and maybe he wasnt expecting it and you have been tired and giving the baby more attention than him, blah blah!

Do you think you can talk and see what the problem is?

[GooseyLoosey]

How awful.

Can you just tell him straight - you acknowledge that he does not want to talk to you about your relationship, but can he please confirm that he intends to look after his daughter as agreed. If he feels unable to do this, can you discuss appropriate childcare arrangements can he confirm how he intends to contribute to paying for them.

Unfortunately for you, you cannot wait to resolve this and need to talk to him asap. Do you have anyone who can help if he leaves you completely in the lurch and can you afford childcare if not?

Good luck - whatever happens, you will cope!

[Poppysma]

Thank you all for your words of support (even though they have made me more tearful!!) ANd thanks for the hug Chelseamum.

He is still in the house at the moment - he uses my ex-dining room as a music studio and in the past has shut himself away in there rather than facing what is happening (including sleeping in there). I can only guess that he'll be moving out asap - I don't feel that I can live with him if he feels like this and refuses to communicate. I feel the need to be independant from him and show I can cope without him, but this is certainly not going to be in DD2's best interests - so my pride may have to take a backseat and let him (or try and persuade him) to look after her as planned.

This is his first baby, so he may well be overwhelmed - he loves her dearly and has said in the past he was born to be a dad - he's probably just gutted that I happen to be the mother!

I've tried to talk to him several times and just get told he has nothing to say - how can that be the case on something so important?!

I just cant fathom it

[ggglimpopo]

Poor you, how grim!

On a practical level, could you go see your GP and explain (and perhaps cry!) and see if he will sign you off for a couple of weeks so you can sort out childcare etc.

Do you love him? Do you think if you work it out he might let you down again? His attitude towards your older daughter sounds unimpressive. Do you have support locally?

[Mercy]

Oh god how awful

Can you extend your maternity leave while you work out what you are going to do? Have you used up the 26 weeks already?

[ktmoomoo]

big hug for you xxx where do u live have you got family around

[Poppysma]

Thats the other potential childcare problem - I work in East London, but live south of the river in Bexleyheath, journey time of about hour and a half.

I will take your advice GL and just try and talk about childcare.

Attention may well be an issue for him - as I'm breatsfeeding too, I have taken on the lion's share of care so he probably has been pushed out a bit.

No nearby friends or family who can step in.

Thanks for all your advice, I'll just have to take the bull by its horns and get a difinitive answer on whether he'll look after her as planned...

You guys are really great. Proper focused advice. I really appreciate this

Thank you all

[UCM]

I would contact your Manager at work, explain the situation and ask for some sort of leave. If it's refused, go to your Dr and tell them and ask for a cert.

Is he actually going to move out of the house?

I would look for a local childminder tomorrow as your emotions towards him are not going be great at the moment understandably. Also apply for tax credits.

If he isn't leaving, pack his bags for him (easy to say, but you will get financial help if you are on your own)

The only good thing I can think is that you are going to be so incredibly busy going back to work, that you may not have too much time to dwell on your situation, which is horrible and disgusting and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Poor poor you mate. Take care and come on here, there are lots of people who will help and give you support.xxxx

[Poppysma]

My work situation is pretty complicated. I initially started there in Sep last year self-employed on a 6 month contract. After discussing childcare arrangements with my fiance, when the permanent job was advertised I went for it - telling them I'd need 4 months between the end of my contract and my start date. They could have given the job to someone else fo the sake of continuity, so I'd hate to let them down by asking for more time.

Also I'm a manager so have staff depending on my return......

[UCM]

If you have signed a permanent contract, they cannot touch you for going sick on your return. I can't imagine that anyone would berate you for this.

[UCM]

this might help you with childcare

[Poppysma]

Thanks for that link UCM - much appreciated
there are quite a few in the area which I will contact tomorrow..

I've just tried talking to him to get a difinitive answer about whether he will look after the baby, and told him I need to know tonight what his plans are.

Once again, I truly appreciate all your support and words of wisdom. If it comes to the crunch I'm sure I could negotiate putting back my start date for a bit, some things are far more important than work....

[coco82]

my heart really goes to! cant imagine what your going through!!
if theres no way you both cant sort something out then chin up and remember your a woman and we are all bulit to last!!!
working tax credits now offer 80% towards the cost of child care if thats any help??
look on the goverments site and there will be information and contact numbers.
just type in tax credits in search engine and u will find what u need
lol good luck

[Poppysma]

Thanks Coco82 - just done the tax credit thing on whether I qualify and apparently I do, so once there is a bit of clarity over my position I'll get on the case

I agree, as one of the fairer sex we are made of stronger stuff.

You've all been such a big help - I can't thank you enough

xxxxx

[WideWebWitch]

Poor you.
The not making an effort with your daughter would have been a deal breaker for me tbh (I have a ds from previous marriage and dh is his stepfather, we also have a dd).

I agree you should get signed off for a bit longer and then deal with the practicalities before the other stuff. I think in your position (but I am stubborn stroppy old bag) I'd tell him to move out and I'd arrange alternative childcare. Sorry but in your position I wouldn't want him looking after your baby, esp because I wouldn't want him to establish himself as primary carer. Are your family supportive? Can you support the 3 of you by working? If you're not married whose name is the house in? I think in your position I'd see a solicitor to sort this stuff out.

THEN I'd start to thinka bout his attitude and the relationship and whether you tihnk you've got anything worth saving. Remember your hormones are wild atm too so be kind to yourself. Much sympathy, this sounds awful and very tough on your and your children.

[ggglimpopo]

I go along with WWW. I think I would do exactly the same. Also, imagine if he 'relented' and agreed to do childcare and then a few months down the line, changed his mind.

[Tinkerbel5]

hope you can get childcare sorted poppy, this guy certainly has picked his timing, if he isnt going to be any help then get rid of him, the fact that he doesnt try to get on with your first born either means he isnt worth bothering withm, think you are well rid.

[Marina]

Poppysma, I'm so sorry for your situation. What an unspeakable way to treat you
There is at least one ace childminder local to you who posts on here, hope she sees your thread.
If he is unable to help with childcare and no longer wants to be in a relationship with you I would seriously consider changing the locks while all that expensive equipment is still on the inside of your house. I would also get advice from a solicitor and CAB as soon as you feel strong enough.

[Marina]

Yes, agree with www and gggl - don't leave your young baby in this man's care

[WideWebWitch]

How are you poppysma?