Would you consider joint custody?

[MiaWallace]

I have recently split with my partner. It was nasty a first but now it's amicable and we just want to do best by dd.

The ex has decided to relocate to live in the same town as me and dd (which means an extra hour commute for work). He is a dedicated father and I don't doubt is love for her.

He has mentioned joint custody and I don't know what to think.

Practically, it would be great as I'm starting uni in September but emotionally I'm unsure.

Dd stay with her dad every weekend already but he would like to have her for an additional night during the week.

I just feel like I'm failing as a mother if I was only to have her for 4 days and 5 nights a week.

So can joint custody actually work? Will it be the best thing for dd?

I'm so confused

[Lolly68]

My son is 16 tomorrow and me and his father split up when DS was 3. It was not amicable at all but we went for joint custody but residency was granted to me. My ex-hubby use to have him every other weekend. I don't know how different things are but as long as you work together it will be fine. Xmas is the most difficult time but we agreed that we would have him alternate years and that is one thing that has always worked.

[MiaWallace]

Thanks for the reply lolly. Dd is only 2 and she would spend 3 days and 2 nights with him. Just feels like I would be a part time mum, which isn't what I really want but neither did the ex want to be a part time dad.

[mylittlestar]

H and I are splitting at the moment. Ds is nearly 2.

I don't doubt his love for ds and to be fair he's a great dad. But my irrational side says that H had the affair, H is now asking for a divorce, and none of this was what I wanted. I don't want to split up and I don't want to be a part time mum.

So at the moment, although I want H to see ds as much as possible, I want to be the full time mum that I planned to be. And if H has chosen to give this all up, then he has to live with the consequences of being a part time dad.


I know this is all very emotive. People could say why should he stay if he's unhappy, why should he see ds less than me as he is equally his parent etc etc... but H says he's not unhappy with me and does love me. He just wants some time to be alone and see other people
So for that reason I will co-operate as much as I can for access. But am not willing to be a part time mum to my baby because of his father's actions.


(sorry bit of a rant!)

[Lolly68]

MW - I think that you should try and do what I did and let your ex have DD every other weekend. Why dont you suggest that and see what he says.

[Hassled]

When my oldest DS and DD were 6 and 8, I split from their father and we had joint custody - he had them 3 nights a week. I do believe it was the best thing for them - he's a great father. However I was working full-time then so there were 2 days a week when I just didn't see them at all - I hated it, and missed them constantly. Eventually I went part-time so I could pick them up from school and have them until ex-DH collected them on his way home from work. They're 20 and 18 now (I've had 2 younger ones since) and ex-DH is very much part of the extended family and we have a good friendship, which is due in part to the joint custody. So yes, I recommend it and you do get used to the absences, but be prepared to miss your DD like mad. You wouldn't be failing as a mother.

[magnolia1]

My dh and I seperated for a year (a few years back) At the time I belived he was a better father than I was a mother (I had terrible pnd) So I had the girls 2 nights a week and he had them the rest.
Yes it felt awful but it was what was best for them at the time. I think if you have a fairly good relationship with your ex and are both happy to help each other as well as do whats best for your children then yes it really can work

Dh and I have been back together for 5 years now and have another 2 children.

And you are not a failing mother at all!!!!

[Tinkerbel5]

Mia I think you should wait a while and get used to being a lone parent before you make any decisions. If you decide to go down the joint custody route then maybe decide on arranging it that you have DD on days that fall on a weekend every other week, otherwise when your DD goes to school your ex gets all the good days and you end up with all the school days where you only get to see her in the evenings

[Boredveryverybored]

I think I'd be happy to do this if DD's dad lived closer to us. As it is she only sees him for a weekend a month because hes so far away.
I don't doubt that he's a great dad and adores her though and if it was at all practical for us I think joint custody as long as weekends were shared as already mentioned could be great for all concerned.
But everybodies circs are different, and if you've only recently split I'd leave it a while to let everybody get used to the new situation before making any big decisions.

Good luck

[MiaWallace]

The weekend arrangement will need to be considered. For the foreseeable future it should work well, as I'll only be in uni 3 days a week. This means we would both get 2 full days with her.

Obviously this would need to be reconsidered when she started school. I feel guilty for even considering it. I know for the majority of couples every other weekend is the norm.

But shouldn't he have as much right to be a parent to her as I do?