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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

CMS Help!

20 replies

Notmyweek2 · 11/12/2016 17:20

So I have 4 months to worry about this however I just wanted to check before, when me and my ex have split in the past, I've been quite childish and told him he isn't the father out of anger and spite (I know I know get a grip), however having checked CMS and how it's all done, if he disputes he's the father and still has those stupid texts I sent him, would they base him not being the father based solely on those or still offer a DNA Test?? I'm worry my claim will be written off solely because of those immature texts I sent!

I have no doubts at all that he is the father, no doubt whatsoever.

OP posts:

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CL12345 · 11/12/2016 20:05

I would actually text him, explain why you said he was not the father and tell him he actually is.
He has the right to know and who knows he might actually agree to pay maintenance ;)

I doubt CMS would take a text from an upset mother as a proof of paternity; only DNA test would. That said I believe they don't "offer" DNA test. The father will have to pay.

Notmyweek2 · 12/12/2016 10:16

We aren't allowed to contact each other for various reasons.

The only way I can do so is by having a solicitor write to him, however since I sent those texts, his sister did message me something about how he WILL provide financial help.

He hasn't disputed paternity since I sent the messages, however I've not heard from him since then.

If he does dispute, can't I just have a DNA test done?? If he refuses to do one, I can just take it to court & the courts make him do one??

OP posts:

MissRosie21 · 12/12/2016 16:05

I went to the csa when my son was 2, he is now 7 but we went through all the DNA stuff. Had tests and that done. If he asks for one and it comes back to the child being his, he will have to pay them back for the DNA test. If he says to cms that he is not the father they will usually ask him to a DNA test. Then ask you whether you are happy with that to go ahead.

HappyHappyHappy1 · 12/12/2016 16:14

I am in 2 minds whether to contact him first & ask if he'd like to set our own arrangement up however, I don't think il cope with the rejection I.E ignoring me about it.

I'd rather contact CMS & they do it all for me.

Starlight2345 · 12/12/2016 22:05

I have read your previous message and honestly go through cms. Focus on getting yourself in a peaceful state of mind ..

HappyHappyHappy1 · 13/12/2016 08:33

I was just worried about being seen as the "bad" guy, because apparently women going to CMS is seen as the bad thing especially having not let him have his say on the situation.

I'm working towards getting myself in a better place mentally & don't want to ruin all of it by contacting him & it turning into a bitchfest!

niceupthedance · 13/12/2016 08:45

The cms can work out how much he has to pay and write him a letter then it's up to him to pay off his own back. They only start pursuing him if you ask them to. HTH.

HappyHappyHappy1 · 13/12/2016 09:06

Oh perfect, will they advise me to try & talk to him first?? Or can I just explain that realistically that isn't an option??

The only way of doing it is going through his mum if needs be.

I personally don't want to see him, hear his voice or even be breathing the same air as the guy! Sounds childish, probably is but I've had enough & just want what my baby is entitled to & then left alone by him

MissRosie21 · 13/12/2016 10:27

I dont have any contact with my sons dad and they have never suggested i should! Im exactly the same with him. Cannot stand to be in the same room. He denied my son was his till he was blue in the face and i proved him wrong. Not that there was ever any doubt and i always said he was! But my son is always the last thing on his mind. His other children come before him. You deserve maintenance for your child.

HappyHappyHappy1 · 13/12/2016 11:24

My ex hasn't denied he's his yet however I can see that coming, once he's established a strong enough connection with this new woman, I am sure his son will become an "inconvenience" to him and will deny he even exists!

Jokes on him, he lives at home with his mother and sister whom will he having contact with the child...."oh hey ow woman, congratulations on becoming a step mummy, here! Hold your step son! I'm off out, see yous later"

Haha! As IF I'd ever do that!

As long as he pays, I don't care about anything else.

MissRosie21 · 13/12/2016 11:42

It takes two to make a child why should one get away from the responsibility! It doesnt make any sense to me.

HappyHappyHappy1 · 13/12/2016 12:13

Apparently he didn't get that memo, he hasn't been in contact, he's been off spending his money on his new gf....meals out/new clothes/takeaways & days out.

Yet when he's asked for £185 a month to help with his child his reply will be "that's a lot, I can't afford that, I've got my own bills to pay, my ex gets benefits from the government for the baby".

Oh how it makes me angry

MissRosie21 · 13/12/2016 12:46

Ahh some men!

But there is nothing you can do to get money off him till the baby is here (apparently babies dont cost anything before they arrive)

HappyHappyHappy1 · 13/12/2016 13:28

The exact thing he said to me "il pay when he's here".....oh okay, il just foot the bill until he arrives then!

He gifted me £2500 to pay my debts off however suddenly that money turned into "for the baby" AFTER we split.

It's funny, whilst together, he was prepared to buy absolutely everything before & fund everything once our son was here, now he's gone, he's conveniently forgotten he even has a son on the way!

smilingmind · 13/12/2016 13:45

CMS told me this.
If the father denies he is the father then they will tell him to get a DNA test.
They arrange it and he pays for it. It has to be done quickly. I think within a month.
If he refuses to have a DNA test then they will assume he is the father and he will have to pay maintenance.
If he does not pay maintenance, or even misses one payment, it will be taken directly from his wages before he receives them. He will then have to pay 20% extra to CMS to cover their costs of doing this.
I found them amazingly quick and helpful. Had been trying to get maintenance, through CSA, for DGS for 10 years with no success. They got it immediately and I now have a case worker who I can speak to if any problems.
I did have to pay a one off £20 to register with them. I was a bit uncertain after the inefficiency of CSA but so glad I decided to.

MissRosie21 · 13/12/2016 14:07

Im the same got nothing out of csa. Another parent of his child set up cms and i got moved to cms was the best thing that could of happened! They should take the £20 out of the first payment he makes though.

Just hope he doesnt get this new woman pregnant to!

HappyHappyHappy1 · 13/12/2016 14:42

Me too, no doubt he will though!

This new woman looks like she has far too much fun than to settle down, let's hope she's not as stupid as I was to think "oh perfect, he's the one il settle down with & have kids with!"

However he is very very persuasive, he was the one who brought up kids, marriage & living together...I wasn't particularly interested, yet fed me the crap & like a sap I fell for every bloody word!

He will have more kids so he can say that he's a good dad, so he can have that "feeling" when you hold your baby....forgetting he will miss out on his first born, having subsequent kids will make up for it in his head though.

He is simply doing what he father did, except his mum & dad didn't split until he was 4, can't be a coincidence but his mum said he was a happy boy until he turned 4!

As long as I receive that money at the end of every month, he can do what he likes, ideally not have any more kids so the payments for his first born doesn't get lowered.

MissRosie21 · 13/12/2016 15:21

I know what you mean. My son is the 2nd of his 4 children. The 2 after are 2 separate mums. But never been there for his first 3 children. Like father like son!

HappyHappyHappy1 · 13/12/2016 22:35

If I felt I didn't want my kids after having them, I certainly wouldn't be having anymore at all!

I literally would love to know what goes on in the mind of a guy who doesn't care for his kids!

MissRosie21 · 14/12/2016 05:33

I would like to know too! How can you not want to be there for them.

It breaks my heart even thinking about not seeing my son everyday!

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