What do I tell my son about his Dad?

[KimCassi757]

Hi,

My son is five years old since the day he was born his father and I separated. The midwives on the ward said 'we won't let you go home to him do you have any other family that you can stay with'... The reason being was that my ex partner was verbally and physically abusive to me on the ward the day after our son was born. Now that wasn't new it was unfortunately a common theme in our relationship. But when I became pregnant the lightbulb a came on and dreamt of the day that when baby was born I'd make my great escape and I did... Any way it wasn't that simple as for the first few years of my son's life although I was sure I wanted nothing to do with his Dad, I would (stupidly) try to push my son on his Dad like 'Hello you have a beautiful son, your only child at that can you show some love/take some responsibility'..^^ But this didn't really work although he would in his own was show love to our son his interest was not really in our LO, he was consumed by partying, drugs, women and the street life.
He started turning up intoxicated, being abusive and towards the end suicidal (which was extremely hard for me to see the Man that I had once loved, the father of our son) go down hill. I tried to care, to be accommodating as much as I could until I realised that I was still basically tip going around him, hiding knives from the kitchen drawers as I just didn't feel too safe with him around. So I decided to take out a Non Molestation Order. It was the best thing I have done, it gave me the peace I needed to love and care not only for my son but for me, I got a new job and even met someone totally different from him. Once the year of the injunction was nearly up I had a call from my ex's grandfather who had asked if he came with my ex could they take our son out. I had heard through the grapevine that my ex was still using drugs and that he wasn't in a good way so I knew I had to have a stance and I said I think it would be best if he sought legal advice around contact. Later that year I was told he was in prison and got 7years...

My son never really asked or spoke about his Dad. I would always tell him that he could so he knew but he never did. I decided to book him some sessions of play therapy as I wanted him to have a safe environment that he could open up. .. He told me and the therapist that his Dad was in prison at this point I hadn't told him but he said that he had thought this as he remembered a time when his Dad was kicking our front door that I had called the police and they took him and that was the last time he saw him. So I decided to correct my son but to tell him that his Dad was in Prison but not for that day. After our sessions the therapist had told me that my son may or may not want to talk about his Dad more at home. It's now 6 months later and on Friday he had a complete meltdown he cried and cried and cried 'I want my Daddy' 'I'm the only one in England who's daddy is in Prison' he was so sad I gave him lots of cuddles and kisses. He has asked me quiet a lot of questions about his Dad and about his Dad's family I have answered the questions the best I could and gave as much info as I know. I will not slander his dad to him... But I can't help but feel a little scared that his Dad will come out of jail baring gifts and that my son will look up to him and want to be like him.

His Dad has been in and out of prison his whole life. The worst things he did to me were: spit on me frequently, throw drink on me or glass at me, pulled out a knife on me and tried to stab me, tried to strangle me and punch me in the tummy when I was pregnant. I didn't know then what I know now so yes that's what I was with. He lied. There were so many lies and silly old me believed that he was going to change if I helps him look for work. This never happened.

Anyway what do I say, my son misses his Dad as he would often tell our son that 'daddy loves you very much' i have told him all of the good as there were little good parts of him. Any tips would be useful, my son wants to speak to him..,

[cestlavielife]

Go back to the therapist and ask them for their advice.
They can advise you best they know the full story.
Generally tho tell the truth in simple terms.

[Kimorsweetcheek]

Thanks I do try too in a age appropriate way. Yes maybe I will give her a call...He's been fine since, we have had a good, fun filled week.

[SharonfromEON]

My experience age 5 is the age that seems to realise they don't have 2 parents and how other families are.

My Ds ( now 9)
I made sure he understood..It was nothing he did and it wasn't his fault but not sure he believed it until a teacher told him.

I also tell him that there are many people who love and adore him and these are the people that we focus on..I said his Dad was never lucky enough to get to know how beautiful he was and that was his Dad's loss.

We left his Dad and went into a refuge..I have only told him some of the details in the past 6 months.. I told him we left as I thought we would both be happier living just me and him.. I do make sure he doesn't end up hero worshipping a man not worthy..

I agree re visit the therapist but also trust your instinct.. You know him better than anyone else..

Can I ask do you keep bringing up his dad..I don't mention Ds's dad unless he does but it isn't a closed subject.

[Kimorsweetcheek]

Hi SharonfromEON,

Thank you for sharing this with me.

I do tell my Ds the same sorts of things - that it's not his fault and that that he isn't missing anything. Reassuring him seems to help.

I must admit I did go through a phase where I would bring up his Dad, simply because he never would and I just wanted him to know that he could talk to me about anything even him. I realise that this may not be helpful so tend to not mention him unless my son brings him up. My son does have some memories of his Dad and so he is on his mind a lot.

I will see how he goes he has been a lot brighter this week.

[SharonfromEON]

Can I also suggest when DS does bring Dad up be as none emotional of it as you can.. I really have found this the best approach.

Giving him the minimum he needs to satisfy him.. More can be overwhelming..

I like you am concerned at teen years Ex will want to be around DS and as he would have no rules ..My DS now knows if his dad wants to see him he would have to go to court to make sure it is the right thing for him as I don't know his dad and need to make sure it is the right thing for him.

Glad he has had a good week.. One thing I have talked to my DS about is the fantasy dad and as he doesn't know his dad easy to think Dads do this and that..His mate never tell him their Dad sat on the sofa all day watching football,went out doing hobbies on their own..

How old was your DS when he saw dad..My DS was 3 and he barely has any so it really will fade.