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Soon to be lone parent - where do I start?

7 replies

PanseysandViolets · 21/12/2015 23:37

Long back story but I've come to the realisation that DP and I aren't going to work, even after Relate counselling, things have slipped back again and some things were never mended and can't be mended now. I have told him I am unhappy still, that I think he is too and that we'd be living a lie if we continue. :-(

Not in a great situation as I'm not working currently, but am hopeful I will be working again next year. We're joint HA tenants and as I am primary carer for DC I want DP to move out - my question is can I make him and how do I work out what maintenance he should provide?

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PanseysandViolets · 22/12/2015 08:28

Morning bump

Appreciate any advice. Have been feeling quite resolute and strong but reality is kicking in and a bit of a wobble creeping in with it. Wanting so desperately for an amicable split but dp has been known to be unreliable and stubborn, I am worried he's not going to put the dc first in this

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BrandNewAndImproved · 22/12/2015 08:35

You know what it's actually great being on your own with the dc. Why are you going to be a lone parent though? Isn't their dad going to have them eow weekend or whatever?

I'm a single parent to dd as her dad sees her regularly and a lone parent to ds which is harder. However being on my own with them is easier then being in a relationship.
We wouldn't be so close if it wasn't for the us against the world 3 musketeers thing we have going on.

I have no idea about making him move out. If he won't leave and wants a council flat he could stay in yours whilst bidding on flats or he could do the decent thing and move out. Does he have somewhere to go?

It probably won't be friendly at first. He will be pissed off at having to leave. Put yourself in his shoes your making him leave so he isn't around his dc everyday. It will be a rough year or however long it takes for him to get over it and move on.

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DiscoDiva70 · 22/12/2015 08:45

I think first of all your best to get some proper legal advice from a solicitor dealing in family law, if you look online you'll be able to see who does a free half hour advice clinic.

I'm not sure about how you go about getting him to move out but obviously the solicitor will advise you on that also.

With regards to maintenance, if the father is working, he will have to pay a percentage of his wages to help support your child. You can again go online and check out the maintenance calculator to get a rough idea of what he'll have to pay.

Bear in mind that this calculation would be the minimum he would have to pay, so if possible, you're best to try and remain amicable and arrange your own private agreement.

I should say that although you are both amicable at the moment, and hopefully it will stay that way, do prepare yourself incase the father starts to make things awkward when you've eventually split.
For example, if he's self employed, try and get proof of his earrings now because you may find he'll try to hide these when it comes to it.

Good luck

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Only1scoop · 22/12/2015 09:17

Sorry to hear things not good Pansy I'm in a similar situation watching with interest.

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PanseysandViolets · 22/12/2015 09:29

Thank you all

Brand your post is spot on. I have been spent weeks if not months arriving at this decision and it is very fresh for DP (he doesn't understand my issues, we are basically incompatible but have been through a lot together).

He is angry and scared but threats are coming out that I will be on my own. I think this is just reactionary and he will see sense about things eventually and hope to god he'll talk to friends. I'm trying not to take anything he says as gospel at the moment, he is rightfully shocked but has a barbed tongue (one reason I can't do this any more).

DiscoDiva thank you I will check out maintenance calculator (I had no idea there was one!).

Only1scoop sorry to hear you're facing this too. Shit time of year hey?

to us.

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PanseysandViolets · 22/12/2015 09:38

Right I am going tackling the mountain of household chores so I can salvage some sense of Christmas spirit for the DC. Out tonight with friends too but will check in if anyone's following. I have been away for a good while but very grateful for mumsnet again!

Scoop, perhaps we can be of support to each other - how are things for you?

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PanseysandViolets · 01/01/2016 14:46

Scoop - thanks for the PM - I did have a look at the thread you mentioned and I'm so sorry things have worked out the way they have for you. I hope you have got through Christmas so far.

Things are kind of ok here, DP is being quite reasonable now and we're working through things slowly. Ultimately he hasn't done anything majorly wrong, and he has apologised for his terse words and reactions. He seems to be more accepting of things and looking into moving out. Feeling quite gutted for him really, he's only going to be able to rent a room somewhere and work is not great, it looks quite bleak for him really, and there are days when he looks at rock bottom. But it's no good us carrying on pretending things are ok and living a lie, I just wish I could wave a magic wand and us both be moved on and settled into new lives.