Not sure where to even start with this but here goes. I had a very brief relationship with a man in another country, we split before I even knew I was pregnant. It was a big surprise. My baby is 1 now, but I'm almost still in shock if that can make sense. I had to move back home, he wasn't very nice to me or helpful in any way when I was there, I had noone & had to move out of my apt, rent a car to get to the airport etc. He messed me about saying he would come over so we could talk and not show up, that kind of thing. I came home & really had nothing & nowhere to stay, I stayed at my parents but there wasnt really room for me there. He would get in touch, say he wanted to be involved, his child was important to him, it was all about his child etc. And then I wouldn't hear from him for weeks. This went on the whole time. I found it incredibly stressful & hurtful & didn't know what to do. We had a big fight just before I was due and didn't speak. Then when my little girl was born, he got in contact again. He was in touch for about a week and then completely stonewalled me. Nothing. I just felt so hurt, like she didn't matter, I didn't matter, he didn't care how we were. I was so sensitive to every time someone would say to me, is she a daddy's girl? or doctors asking about the father, or then any children songs that came up with daddy in them. In my mind, he would not be in our lives, and I suppose I struggled with what that was going to mean for me and my daughter and how she would feel & deal with it when she started to understand that other children have daddies, and she doesn't. I didn't know what I would tell her. Anyway, I feel I struggled alot to battle with those questions and feelings. Then out of the blue when she's 8 months, he sends a text, saying 'hi, how are you'. We spoke for a bit, but he really didn't have anything to say that made me thought he was worth having in our lives, so i told him its best he is not in touch. Then I get a big package from him & his Mum & his mum has then been emailing & wanting to see pictures. I have since kind of entered into this emailing contact with the two of them, sending some vids & photos. On the one hand, I feel its nice to have contact, insofar as, my child when she's older will know she has a father, but he lives very far away, and a grandmother, who send her cards on her birthday & christmas. Thats really all 'I' wanted. Now he has sent another package & 200 dollars. And I have started to feel a little bit more pressured to send photos & vids & if I dont send them they keep asking me. I feel weird about sharing these aswell, there almost private, does that make any sense at all.
Now I have just facebook stalked him a bit & have discovered, in about the last month, he has started to post pictures of my daughter, with messages like 'daddy loves his baby forever' 'its all for her, and its all worth it'. ????
I feel a bit in shock or numb kind of so its hard to make sense of what I'm feeling. I just can't wrap my head around it. He has done nothing to deserve any title of father, and why does he think he can parade it about like he has done ANYTHING, the only thing he has done to date, is fucking ejaculate. He has caused me far more stress & hurt than he has ever helped. I am & I keep giving him a chance to do better or prove himself in some way, but I feel he needs to earn the chance to be in his daughters life.
And now, I've heard him & his mam are going to come and visit. I just feel a bit sick about it. I'm embarrassed I was ever with him & don't even want to introduce him to anyone. But I also feel, like I will have to treat them like guests, (but not staying with me) but making sure they get from airport to hotel, collecting & dropping off, being fed. AND having to spend probably quite alot of time with them, most likely in my home. Sharing my daughter, who is practically this stranger...
So I dont really feel good, but feel so baffled to put words on my emotions, because its such a bizarre situation.
= if ANYONE managed to read all of that (wow & thanks) can you please offer me some insight or advice here.... I would truely appreciate it.
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Not sure what I'm feeling.
8 replies
Jemima14 · 28/09/2015 21:46
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