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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

ex has covertly enrolled my ds at new school?

15 replies

KatieBW · 10/05/2015 22:34

has anyone experienced this? my ds's father is tricky to say the least. ds lives with me and father continually breaks court orders, usually after he has made multi allegations which he then drops at the last minute. Ds is 13 and heavily controlled by the father, who encourages him to lie to me. i pay my sons school fees alone, when i visited the school last week another boy told me my son would be starting a new school in september, near his fathers home. My ex has PR which he fully abuses, i cannot afford to go to court again but just wondered if anyone had experienced the same? my ex thrives on anxiety and fear and is impossible to deal with on a normal level. since he came back into our lives before christmas he has got my son gambling at poker nights and returning home like a ball of tension. please help...anyone know how to deal with sociopaths?

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Goldmandra · 10/05/2015 22:37

Speak to your DS. Unless he wants to go to this other school or to move schools, contact the new school and tell them to cancel the place.

Álso let the current school know that, whatever your ex says, he won't be moving.

KatieBW · 10/05/2015 22:50

Thank you. My DS would say whatever his father says because hes being so tightly controlled. The situation is madness. His father became obsessed with his HW last year and got him kicked out of school as he refused to pay towards the fees as per our order, he hasnt since, my DS didnt want to see him but he has wormed his way back in and slowly been isolating our DS from me, his younger sibling, school. Its parental alienation syndrome. Maybe someone would think thats my sons choice but its not a free choice, its conditional and I know, having previously been tightly controlled by the father myself.

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amywitsend · 10/05/2015 23:00

I would say he is a narcissist and all narcissist are sociopaths. I'll post a link if it helps. Sorry you are having to go through this

amywitsend · 10/05/2015 23:01

lightshouse.org/all-about-narcissists.html#axzz3Zm9NUPRh

amywitsend · 10/05/2015 23:01

Let me know if this helps. Seems a court order may be your only option here

amywitsend · 10/05/2015 23:03

Sorry should say look though the site and don't pay for their services as the articles already on there are adequate enough

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 10/05/2015 23:07

I'm sorry but someone like this clearly won't respond to reasonable requests.

I would agree that a Court Order may be your only option.

I do sympathise though - your ex sounds like a damaging, selfish, control freak.

KatieBW · 11/05/2015 07:56

Yes he is a narcissist! The longevity of this is astounding, he just will not stop. He uses our DS to pursue his campaign of harassment.
We have been to court twice. He just breaks any order. His crazed allegations become the focus of any third party, as they are all to do with sex and violence. He had our DS interviewed weekly by a social worker through 2013. He has a long criminal history : prison twice, gun crime, kidnapping, drugs, violence etc.
He is able to continue unchallenged and uses the system to his own ends. As well as paying all bills assoc with our DS it has cost me thousands in solicitors fees, to end up with nothing.
Thank you for your kind words. I try and get my DS support and do the right thing but its very hard to deal with.

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amywitsend · 11/05/2015 08:21

I know its probably not much use right now but do not engage him. If something is set in place stick to your side of the bargain. If he keeps doing these things it will show up in court how unreasonable he is. Counteract what you can but as for a working co-parenting relationship I'd say thats over. You can't reason with someone like this as they do not view the world the way we do. Communicate by text or email only as this is evidence if you ever have to use it. Keep it business only and view this as business don't let your emotions cloud your judgement. try if you can not to give him any emotive reaction such as, 'You're a bat shit crazy arsehole.' They love the attention, it is ALL they crave. No talking about anything other than the child and refuse to answer if he talks about anything else. Its hard to do and I feel your pain but keep doing what you;re doing.

Cherryapple1 · 11/05/2015 08:24

Your DS is now old enough to decide that he doesn't want to see his father. Is this a possibility?

KatieBW · 11/05/2015 11:39

If anything he would say he doesnt want to see me. The consequence of the paternal relationship is my ex gets him onside, pits him against me and my DS would literally argue black is white in order to appease his father. Mad controlling mind-messing stuff. He alienates him from me, my family, school, gets him to lie and plot behind my back, and leaves him to face the consequences alone. I have stopped trying to understand.

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bibliomania · 11/05/2015 13:47

How much time does your ds spend with his father and how much with you? What does the current court order say?

If you're the residential parent and he spends most of his time with you, I think a court would make a prohibited steps order to stop your son going to the other school. If it's a 50:50 arrangement, I think you'd need to make the case why your preferred school is better.

I hear your pain on the legal fees - any chance you could self-represent?

I'm concerned that your ex is trying to provoke a crisis with a view to getting your ds to fall out with you entirely and go to live with him. Mind you, his Plan B might to get your son going to this other school, and bit by bit persuade him that it's too far back to your house, so he should stay more nights with his father.

It's awful but as amy says, all you can really do is feign utter boredom and hope they go away again.

bibliomania · 11/05/2015 13:51

Meant to say, as for your ds "preferring" his father, all you can do is work on having a calm, steady, loving relationship with your son (easier said than done - and I don't have teenagers!). You've got to find ways of managing the stress his father causes so that it doesn't spill over into making you snappy/stressed out around your son.

PandorasToyBox · 14/05/2015 09:02

Could you not block all contact (apart from an email addy just for his use) and not let your ds go for contact with him? Let him take you to court. Keep a paper trail of everything, so email both schools, log your stress with gp, phone ss yourself for advice.

If he could be arsed to take you to court state that due to emotional abuse (brain washing against you falls with in this) you will only entertain supervised contact in a centre.

PandorasToyBox · 14/05/2015 09:04

Ment to say email both schools re ex trying to enrol ds in a school without your imput/consent

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