Coping with dd spending weekends with ex& new family

[ooarmehearties]

So, my 4 year old dd and I have been a family together, just us,since abusive ex kicked us out of the family home when she was 10 months as he wanted his old carefree life back. It was a relief as it was pretty extreme and I'm having treatment for ptsd. But ex now after having his freedom has met 'the love of his life' and took me to court for contact. He had the third contact day today and introduced the new woman , showed dd 'her room' ( painfully, the nursery that I decorated for her but never got to use) .she will be sharing with the new woman's 10 year old dd. I suppose I just want to know how to cope? They will be playing happy families with my baby. I am on my own. Feeling bereft. He will be trying to edit me out, that's how he works.

[2little2late2change4now]

I really feel for you. This is such a difficult situation. How does your dd feel about going? When will overnight contact start? Did the court not take into account that he's been absent for so long?

I won't allow my ex to have overnight but I know if he took me to court he'd get it but luckily he can't afford to do that.

If she has to go I would plan the time she's away and keep yourself busy with things you enjoy doing. Then plan something nice for when she returns

Hugs x

[ooarmehearties]

Overnights will start next month once he has a drugs test and if he passes. He is an extreme narcissist and has essentially rewritten his life again, suddenly he's a family man and he cried in front of Cafcass . He's so convincing. I couldn't believe it when they awarded so much contact, neither could my solicitor but advised not to contest as Cafcass report taken v seriously. So many outrageous lies. Our lives have been turned upside down. He has a new mummy lined up for my dd, a much better version than me as I didn't come up to scratch. It's just so painful that I have no way of fighting back.he is basically ruling my life again . I have never been negative about him to dd and she seems to enjoy contact so far, though overtired and wired as he micromanages her every move. Control in all things is his goal. The politically correct idea that no matter what fathers should have contact has gone too far. What about the mothers, who do all the work, who suffer at the further abuse meted out through the children. It's sacrificing one parent for the other.

[ooarmehearties]

Thankyou toolittle . I will make a list of things to do to distract me. He also is very financially well off, so he can buy her amazing things whereas he gives me the minimum cm because, you guessed it, he's self employed and hides his income. Sorry, this is turning into a rant. I have hobbies that I had to give up when I became a single mum- crochet, marathon running, swimming, guitar. I can do those things. I don't feel like it, I feel lost, panicky. I'm so sad.

[ooarmehearties]

It's the intimacies too. dd still comes into my bed for a cuddle, and i can't get my head around her being in bed with a strange woman and her dad .

[fattymcfatfat]

yoir DD does not have the same relationship with her dad as she does with you. my DS is now six. a few years ago my (now ex...again) took me to court.
even now after me and him got back together and had another baby and one on the way, my DS does not have the same relationship with his dad.
It was just me and my baby for two years. I was the one person in his life that he knew would never leave him. same goes for your DD with you. you are the person she turns to for comfort you are the person that has been there constantly. nothing will change that

[noorqt]

Oh mate I truly feel for you as this is something that I am dreading might happen to me in the near future. I don't know how my heart will cope with my ex introducing my dd's to the woman he left us for and subsequently is married to now. It's coming on to a year in April and I dread the thought of him getting contact as he has been emotionally vacant from our lives for such a long time. You have dealt with so much and no doubt you shall deal with this too.... We unfortunately have no choice. Big hug.xx

[gillybean2]

CAFCASS are generally rubbish and do not have the best interest of your child at heart. The court will take what they says as gospel and it's very hard to get anything different in court to what they propose. Look at your local CAFCASS ofstead report and you'll probably have your eyes opened very wide. And of course no-one wants to complain and get them off side in case they take offence and so skew their opinion even more! Until you go through the court process you are unlikely to believe some of the decision made. But of course it's all behind closed doors for the sake of the dc's privacy, so we don't hear about the outragous and unbelievable decisions made on behalf of children in their apparent best interest. And that applies to both parents with care and NR parents too! Learn to play the game, like youe ex has. Document everything, keep records of missed contact and any issues. And if you or your dd don't feel happy or safe don't be afraid to change the contact and have him take you back to court over it.

Saying all that I think you'll find it's ok for your dd, at least to start with. Dad will be wanting to make a good impression, and she will get to find out something about her dad and in time be able to make up her own mind and see that you didn't stand in the way of her having a relationship with him.

Make sure you fill your time and plan what you are going to do. It will be tough, but your dd will realise in time that you were always there for her and dad bought things and palmed her off on his new partner. Don't try and match him in terms of 'fun' and gift buying. Keep doing what you've been doing and being the strong, stable parent she can rely on.

Rather than thinking of them as playing happy families, try and take some comfort from the fact that there will be another woman there who will hopefully look out for your dd and ensure that she is well cared for despite your ex. She probably has rules and boundaries for her own dd so your ex won't be able to go completely wild and let your dd have free reign (ie stay up all night, eat nothing but sweets and happy meals etc).

Also be prepared for things not working out between them and that contact may well cease if that happens. He's probably told his new partner that you have been difficult and made it impossible over the years. She's likely to be the one pushing him to have contact and sort it out because she wants to believe he is a good dad and will be there for her and her dc too. If it's a fairly new realationship then he probably wants to please her and show he can be a good dad so is doing what he has too to prove it and make her happy. It won't last I suspect. And if it does hopefully that means he has grown up a bit and is taking responsibility now.

It won't be easy but try and enjoy the free time you will now have. Use it to keep yourself sane, strong, and to enjoy the things you've had to put on hold these past 4 years (such as your hobbies and time to be you rather than just 'mum').

[ooarmehearties]

Oh thank you for your responses. xxx I am so grateful for this forum, and you kind folks. I don't feel so alone when i come on here.

I do take comfort in the fact the new woman is a mother herself and will lend stability to the situation. I know i have to work on myself and heal, and on the things i can control and not on the things i can't.
It's hard when he's gloating and saying he's 'won'. But i am trying to have minimal contact and not be drawn in.

[gillybean2]

My ex (not ds's dad) was upset at his ex having 'won' in court when he didn't get what he wanted. I do think it is a man thing to think in terms of winning/losing. He also lied through his teeth to me about his ex and at the time I stupidly believed him. Hence he is now also my ex and why I think your ex may well be doing the same with his new partner.

What the court has ordered is contact, which is a right for your dd. It is about her rights, not his. He has no rights, only responsibilities as a parent. And it's about time he stepped up and started fulfilling them. So if he thinks he's won he is delusional.

Your ex hasn't won. There is no prize. This whole process is about your dd and her needs, not about him. So try and just laugh to yourself at his stupidity and complete lack of understanding about being a parent. It is rather sad that he thinks this way at all, but never having been a parent up to now he really has no concept of what it actually means and involves.

[Quesera21]

It sucks and you are right it is about control.

My Ex controls so much of my life - you have a legal responsibility to make your child available for contact and he can choose to engage or not and you get left to pick up the pieces everytime.

I fear it is goign to get worse before it gets better for you in terms of finding a coping mechanism. YOu will find things to occupy your time - but do not underestimate your DD.

If he is too controlling she is getting older and will want freedom. Try not to interrogate her when she comes home, I find the things slip out naturally over time but the clinginess post contact can be quite hard. They want their stability and to your DD that is you. I always make sure favourite supper and drink are on the return day, no homework, sit and watch a TV programme / play minecraft together and relax.