Dad won't pick dd up for his weekend

[GEM33]

I work shifts. I don't live too far from my ex but when I work I stay with family as they do all my child care. My ex only wants our dd every other Saturday despite me having asked in the past if he'd see her more he's refused.
On some weekends it falls that I'm about 45 min drive away with my family because I'm working so I ask ex to pick dd up from there but he refuses saying he can't travel to get her.
He says I have to sort this out.
It doesn't happen every weekend that we are away and I can't see why he can't pick her up. I don't know what he wants me to do.
I've suggested me meeting him halfway (which I don't really want to do seeing as I'm supposed to be resting after my night shift but if it means she sees him I'd do it)
He still refuses.
Am I being totally unreasonable? What will he do when we move permanently about an hour away. Not see her ever unless I do all the driving. He's got two vehicles. He doesn't pay us maintenance. I don't ask him for anything and yet he is still cross.
Then he says to me he misses dd and it's not fair on him or her he doesn't see her when I'm working away (45 minute drive) even though I want him to have her.
I hate him and I'm stumped.

[Starlightbright1]

Is there a reason he isn't paying maintenance?

I wouldn't negotiate with him. I am afraid it sounds really gamey to me..Bothering to tell you he misses DD however will refuse to make any effort to resolve it.

Yes he wants you to run around, yes he will expect you to ferry your DD to visit him and yes you will pay for the travel from the money you earn to do this as despite how much he loves cares for his daughter is not going to support her or make any effort

[Starlightbright1]

sorry.... That sounds ranty at you its not is aimed at EX

[GEM33]

We had an agreement regarding maintenance. I only added that part because it's not like we cost him money already. I mean he can afford the petrol costs.
I'm interested that you think it sounds gamey. He does play games with my feelings all the time. I'm learning not to bite. When he refused to collect her I just Messaged back "ok well these are the dates this week and next she's here (close by to him) you say when you want her you are welcome to have or see her whenever you like. I ll leave it with you"
No response yet.

[GEM33]

Oh yeah, no worries I got your tone :-)

[TheDetective]

If he loves his daughter so much, he will travel.

It's his problem. Not yours.

Let him do the running. If you won't do it, he will have to.

He just doesn't want to.

You have to work. You have to make childcare arrangements. He will have to fit in with these. Or provide so you don't need to work weekends...!

[GEM33]

To be honest my life is hell trying to work nearly full time shift work, have to travel up and down to family and I get so stressed on his weekends that I very often use my annual leave so I'm off so he doesn't have to travel to get her. I'm quite scared of my ex not that I think he'd hurt me physically but he knows how much I love my dd. he's threatened to go for full custody in the past. I feel pretty angry and resentful that he can't travel a little for his dd.
he has another son by a previous previous relationship that he drives an hour to collect him and I don't know why he can't nip half hour down from his son to us. I just don't know

[bigfam]

No wonder he's ur ex... Sorry, just my opinion but I wouldn't give him the time of day. Your obviously a very good mum though and still trying to do what u feel is best for her, if he doesn't make the effort it's not fair for u to do it all. X

[bigfam]

I posted that before I read your latest post, he's really beginning to sound like a twat

[GEM33]

Haha bigfam. Yeah, I'm trying to lose those feelings though. I don't want to feel angry any more. It hurts me to feel angry and yet it doesn't change the situation to have those feelings. No matter how many people agree with me that he is a useless father it doesn't change things. Iykwim?
I would like karma to hit him in the face one day though. I do think he has treated me and dd very unfairly.

His sisters words are etched in my heart when I asked her why he won't see dd every day or every other day she replied "because he needs his life back"

[MelonBallersAreStrange]

Why are you making the journeys?

He stands no chance of getting full custody or anything near it. Not that he'd want it anyway. Call his bluff.

If he doesn't want to drive to see his DD then he doesn't love her. He is a shitty shit from shitsville. DD will work that out one day, helping him to fake it does her and you no favours.

[Lweji]

I've learnt the hard way not to bend over backwards to accommodate exH regarding contact.
Stand your ground and let him go to her and do his best to maintain contact with her for her.
If he doesn't it's his problem.

I'm curious about the maintenance agreement. Did you take legal advice on that?

[BlackeyedSusan]

you make her avaiolable for contact. he chooses whether he takes you up on that.

you have to work for dd's sake. sod using annual leave. you need thatfor you and dd. if he was less of a twonk he would be providing maintenence and driving to get dd. he could of course have youor dd overnight collected from your house if driving to you were a problem, but it seems he does not care enough to act, just mouthe off about it.

[mummytime]

It isn't called custody any more.

Why do you even imagine for one moment that he would get primary responsibility for his daughter. Or even that he could really be bothered to go to court to get it?

He can't be bothered to travel to see her, and he has little real responsibility for her now - you are looking after her or arranging her childcare.

Read other threads on here, get advice (CAB or solicitor - a free consultation just in case he could really be bothered fight for custody). You might want to consider contacting Women's aid and maybe doing the Freedom Program.

He should be supporting his daughter financially - all parents should - even if its not much.

Maybe if you actually stood up to him, you would stop feeling angry.

[GEM33]

Yes lweji. We both had solicitors. Not many people agree with what I did but it gave me security. We had a jointly owned house with no more than 10k equity. I couldn't afford to move so I told him to just walk away from house and the bit of equity in return for no maintenance. It's signed separation agreement. He wanted us out the house otherwise and I just couldn't afford anywhere. I just about afford the mortgage on my own. All I want is to own a house that I can give to my child so she doesn't have to struggle like I did.

[RandomMess]

Yep just carry on offering him contact, what's the worse that can happen? He can take you to court and be offered what - fixed contact that he can either take or leave...

As an aside I'd just go via CMS and start claiming maintenance!

[GEM33]

Thanks mummy time. I think you made a good point about standing up to him. I feel much better reading your posts everyone. Thank you so much x

[BitchPeas]

Don't give in. If he's texting you in writing saying he can't make the journey and you give alternate dates then your back is covered.

It's his responsibility to have contact all you have to do is not block it.

I learnt the hard way after 3 years of bending over backwards for man child XH. He was pretty shocked when I changed to 'meh that's too bad it'll have to be next week then' he threw his toys out the pram for a month or two but I held my nerve and didn't give in. He finally pulled his finger out and has had regular contact for the last two years.

Sorry you have to deal with this too!

[itsbetterthanabox]

Him leaving the house and equity was part of your relationship separation.
You can and should still claim maintenance.
Tell him he picks her up or he doesn't see her.

[Starlightbright1]

I bent over backwards to encourage my Ex to see DS...Despite it not been nice for DS...I found it easier once I stopped trying and stopped getting hurt every time her rejected my child. I also felt that once I did this I supported my DS in a less emotional way.

[GEM33]

Voyage. Me too. I'd walk over hot coals to see my child too. Thanks so much for everyone's advice and support. I physically shake when I have to deal with these issues and generally just him. I feel a bit sick so it's nice to hear from people's perspective

[GEM33]

She doesn't go overnight. Since he left he has only wanted her every other Saturday during the day. I kept asking if he wants her Sunday and he says no. Then when it falls I'm away he refuses to pick her up and said he'd see her a couple hours in the week.

Since this long period of not much contact dd is quite clingy and I don't think she'd be happy going overnight to him yet until he put in some ground work with her. She is quite unsettled and clingy on her return. He doesn't even ask me how she is or anything about her and we don't talk or communicate at all in between. He has refused mediation last year.

I really want him to see her mid week every week and probably one day every weekend we are home (3 out of 5) if he isn't willing to travel but I think you are right about him thinking I'm unreasonable because he isn't willing to have his free weekend taken up by his children. He wants both kids done and dusted eow so he can "live his life" eow too.

This is a man who refused to answer his phone to me when dd wanted to ring him. To be fair recently he has answered more.

I'm going to message him to suggest he has her as above and see what he says.

[Starlightbright1]

He doesn't want her overnight as that would interfere with his social life. It is also a control issue of you meaning ..You don't get to go out.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I think your answer to him: "well if you don't want to fetch her, that's your look out. She's available x,y,z dates. Let me know which you'd perefer" was great. Has he answered?

You are doing so well to keep everything together. I expect you will feel 10x better when you start asserting yourself with this twunt.

Ignore his threat about sole custody. He's talking out of his arse because a. no court would grant it and b. he doesn't want it anyway. He's just saying it becuse he knows what buttons to press to hurt you

Keep on keepoing on OP