contact with absent parent

[nixnjj]

After some moral support or words of wisdom. DS is nearly 10, father has never been involved emotionally or financially. Violence started at 3 months pregnant and had him arrested first time. Never bad mouthed him just said I wanted him so bad I didn't wait to find a good dad. Last couple of years DS has expressed an interest in meeting him,so put the word out I was looking for him. Good friend got in touch to say she had seen him and his response was that he couldn't afford to care for him and didn't want to make promises he couldn't keep. I replied via friend that I didn't need his cash and DS just wanted to know what he looked like and what his personality was like. Got a call from friend to say that he was prepared to meet up, but no number or anything but I know where he drinks. I'm going to the pub tomorrow while DS is at school but I don't know what to suggest, if I'm honest I'm scared but I have to do this.
Not sure why I'm posting this just hoping someone can tell me it will be okay.

[sezamcgregor]

He was violent with you when you were 3 mths PG - please be careful with this man.

Only let your child spend time with him if you are certain that you can trust him.

You need clear boundaries - ie no drinking, no going to the pub etc

Please give it more thought, speak to your parents and friends and get some other view points.

Best of luck

[starlight1234]

Gosh... I would say tread very carefully.

You may be opening a can of worms you can't close.

He is coming up to his teen years . This could go horribly wrong.

He certainly doesn't sound like the kind of guy who is going to enhance your son's life or be a stabilising figure in your son's life.

Personally I wouldn't go wait till DS is 16 . I am in a similar position and that will be my stance on it when/ if it arrives

[nixnjj]

Thanks ladies. Well he wasn't there or any of the other pubs the helpful bar staff pointed me to. So fairly safe to assume he's still a drinker. I just left nice notes with my contact details on. In answer to the concerns raised DS doesn't want a relationship with this man only answers. I think its a lot to do with being teased for being the only kid at school who doesn't know his father, so it would only be a one off meeting so no safety fears. I don't have family or any friends that would understand the situation so have discussed it with a member of staff from his school. My original thinking was maybe 13 or 16 but it was pointed out to me that they are difficult years at the best of time with hormones, exams etc and as long as expectation and possible outcomes where discussed this was as good a time as any. I think if he had wanted a relationship I would have waited a little longer. Thanks again for the replies it really helps not to feel I'm doing it all on my own.

[starlight1234]

I imagine Emotionally exhausting for you.

Hope your son gets the answers he wants one day.

[sezamcgregor]

I contacted my son's (non-abusive, yet still a twat) father earlier in the year.

DS had felt unsettled since starting school being the only child without a man to call dad, especially as the children with parents that have broken up have a dad somewhere and see him at weekends/after school. I also wondered if it would help his sense of identity to meet and know him.

I felt that I no longer felt threatened to have him involved rather than the scared feeling that I had experience previously that he would one day demand to see his son who I'd brought up for the last x amount of years.

Anyway, I contacted him and arranged to meet up. He has no money and so it wasn't about financial contributions and I didn't want to immediately give him rights over my son who has "Father: unknown" on his birth certificate.

When the day approached, I received a charming text message (as we had corresponded via text) telling me to go via the CSA and make a disputed parentage claim and that he would like DNA tests (which he knows that I won't do). It was another lucky escape because I remembered what sort of a controlling, narcissist man he is and that we really are better without him.

He's not a child, a 47 year old man, and it's clear as crystal that he wants nothing to do with my son. Case closed for me. Told DS that he's still not ready to be a dad and that he's too busy.

We didn't really discuss it much until DS told me that the real reason that he wants a dad is to have shoulder rides - so I have a friend that gives him one around once a week - he seems happy enough now

You see the bottom line is that if having this man in your life would make you stressed or anything but the calm, happy person that you and DS need, then having him involved is not in your best interests.

I'm really looking forward to the "I want to live with my dad" rants in those delightful teen years!