Isolated

[indiaaah]

Hi all, I'm abit lost and not sure what to do....I've got a 6 yr old son and I'm a lone parent, have been since he was a year old. Anyway his biological dad isn't around at all, I've struggled to do my best and that's all I can do. I find myself constantly feeling isolated, I dread weekends because we're mostly indoors. I'm not close with my family at all, mostly because they're not supportive and don't agree with decisions I've made in the past. I've tried to go to kids clubs to meet new people but when it comes to doing things socially, they all have their own things to get on with, I'm never invited to anything like bbq's etc and this has got a lot to do with my sons behaviour as he's quite hyper although he's toned down recently.i can get pretty stressed out when he acts up so that might be why I'm not invited too? I just don't know what to do anymore, none of my friends live local to me. I don't have a lot of money so can't afford expensive days out. Any suggestions?

[revealall]

Feel for you.

I do think it's hard to get " back in" the swing of things once you are out of the loop so to speak.
When I was at a loose end I joined Home Start where you help mums in similar circumstances. You volunteer in school hours and you have to do training so meet lots of other people with time on their hands. The families you get paired up with can become real friends as well.
How about going to Uni? I alwAys recommend this as the hours and money are fantastic for single parents and you don't have to pay the fees or living allowance back until you earn £20k. If you start looking now you'll have a place for next September and something to look forward to.
Could you help out on the parents committee at your son's school perhaps? They need volunteers and you get a bit of insider knowledge and a partial social life built in.
Good luck with it.

[indiaaah]

Hi I actually work full time. At the moment I'm off work but I've literally spent near enough everyday finding something to do to keep busy. This is why I hate weekend because I don't have a social life at all, I don't have overnight childcare so evenings out etc are non existent. Even doing something with my son is a hassle as he's hyper so certain activities aren't suitable. I think I'm also just accepting that although I'm from a big family and I used to be sociable, I've turned into someone who has no motivation at all to go outside now. I obviously make an effort for my son but I just feel so isolated right now.

[revealall]

Doesn't your son have friends he can do sleepovers with? That's what I do when I want a night out. We just take it in turns to have each other's.
Have you had any help with your son's behaviour.? It sounds like it is getting you down more than anything. If you are doing all the recommended stuff - regular early bedtimes, no TV's in bedrooms, routines etc perhaps you need to ask from help from the school etc.

I do get the isolation thing. Sometimes when I don't have mine I am so conditioned to staying in I still don't go out. It's like I've forgotten how.

All I can say is that it's easier every year they get older. In a few more years you can leave them to pop into town which stops you having endless battles as you drag them around. Few more after that and they'll be out themselves.
Wishing you well.

[equinox]

I have to agree with revealall here it felt such a breakthrough to leave ds when he turned 8 if I needed some important food shopping or errands for an hour. Even then I only do this about once to twice a month but it does slowly get easier people are right when they say that.

Also they can do more help in the home. I feel I still spoil him though as he is a bit ditzy by nature so I have to repeat things even though he is now 9!

I do understand about forgetting how to get out though. When I used to get the benefit of access by ds's father I would only go to Buddhist meetings and then drift around my home doing chores and catching up with my head. It was still beneficial but socialising was something I just put off. However due to his rota and doing shiftwork and living far away and only staying locally at his 2nd address occasionally the access was sporadic weekend dates so I could never plan anything in advance either which did not help.

Single parents are so 'lucky' when they get alternate weekends to themselves. At least they can plan ahead a little and go out and mix. Sometimes I would get 1 in 3 weekends other times 1 in 2 and it just wasn't worth the hassle of taking steps to sort it out.

Would you have means to find a Saturday childminder at all indiaah? You could pretend you were working to the childminder so they don't misunderstand your need for a life of your own it as appears 90 per cent of the population just does not get our need for me time even if they are parents themselves. They do not realise that by default of having a partner it is so much easier to get things done and go out and mix! Assuming their partner is on hand and fairly helpful couples can achieve twice as much even if it is just housework or catching up on the news or going out to the supermarket I do envy them those options!

If you found a Saturday daytime childcare option even if it was only two half days a month or the occasional full day you could join meet up dot com activities take a look online. They have really excellent options for mixing in both the daytime and evenings. I have never used the evening option. I have made a few friends that way and kept in touch on facebook etc.

My ds also had a behavioural hyperactive phase for 3-4 years but since he turned 7 he has calmed down considerably. He is now 9 and can generally hold it together quite well for an hour or so if we have to go somewhere. I hope this encourages you indiaah.

[makkahakka]

I really relate to your post. I think summer makes it worse. I don't know about you but it feels as if everyone is either doing things as a 2 parent family, or in a bunch of friends. I have taken to trying to look for lonelier looking people than myself to feel better - oh the life!
I think its hard also as if you tell people they either feel sorry for you or feel shy to talk about their nice lives