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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

how much conversation do you have with your ex??????

16 replies

sanchpanch · 12/09/2006 19:31

havent seen my ex since february, he normally has dd during the week and picks her up from nursery then drops her back there the next day, but this week he is having her on friday night so dropping her back here sat morning, i am dreading seeing him as i dont want it to set me back when i have been doing so well about our split, but i also realise i may actually need to see him in order to move on a little bit more,

we have argued a lot on the phone over the last few months and i am not sure how to talk to him on saturday, i would rather ignore him but is that appropiate in front of dd,

any advice appreciated

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HappyMumof2 · 12/09/2006 19:32

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lovemykids · 12/09/2006 20:11

I do not speak to my ex unless I have to tell him something specific about the children, then it is short and to the point and unless he answers in a civil manor and something that is also about the children and warrants an answer - I do not reply.

It has come to this as the only time he will communicate with me is for his own gain or he has ulterior motives. He has been extremely verbally abusive in the past in front of the children so I believe not communicating with him whatsoever now is the best course of action as he gets too aggressive otherwise. Whether this will have a long term affect on the children remains to be seen, but I look at it that this is far better not to communicate and just talk to the children than have him kick off in front of them.

If you have read my other thread "urgent wont bring him back" - my sister has been extremely commuicative with her ex to the point they have had 'family' days out and she has trusted him to the point of still telling him everything about her life and he has schemed and plotted behind her back and refuses to return her son to her after having had him for a 'holiday'!! Don't want to scare you but this makes me wonder whether there is a right or wrong way to do things - only you know what is best for you and the children.

Wishing you all the best

mumtogusnalbie · 12/09/2006 21:01

Hi - I still see my ex most days as he lives with his mum who looks after our children while I work.
We also still have days out together and I think this is healthy for the kids.
I know that I am lucky to be able to do this but you need to be strong and do whatever you believe is appropriate for your dd - at the very least I think you need to be civil in front of her because you both have a lifetime of contact ahead of you with your dd being so young.
Just because you speak to him doesn't mean you want to get back together with him - be strong and just remember "sisters are doing it for themselves!!"

sanchpanch · 12/09/2006 21:14

think it might be best if i concentrate on dd, i will say iss daddy goodbye etc,and try not to look at him,
The split was because he met someone else and i tried to hold on to him for a few months but then finally let him go, so i guess i am still a bit bruised from it all, I also wish i looked and felt a bit better about myself, i have been losing weight but havent lost any for a while and still have a stone to go, which i would have liked to do before i saw him again!
(i dont want him back but when we split i vowed that he would never see me looking nothing but my best again!!!

thnaks for you words of advice..............

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mumtogusnalbie · 12/09/2006 21:18

Well in that case he doesn't deserve you - you are a beautiful person on the inside and out, whats an extra stone between friends?!!
Just remember that you are dds mum and that makes you the most important person in the world.
Stuff him - just think to yourself that you wouldn't have him back if he begged and begged and begged - rise above it all and believe in yourself.
Beauty is not how you look but how you act and definately all about self belief - believe you are gorgeous and sexy and you will be.

sanchpanch · 12/09/2006 21:44

thanks mumtogusnalbie

might be best if i stand half behind front door, so he only sees half of me!!

no seriously i look better than when we were together, i have lost 3.5 stone but would love to loose the last stone, which is proving impossible,

I think as well robbie williams is playing here at weekend, and we met at a robbie williams concert, and it just makes me think back over it all and our time together that he chose to walk away from!. sad i know.......

If i am honest i dont want him back but i do want the family bit back, although i am getting better at realising i have got a family just not a traditional one!

OP posts:

mumtogusnalbie · 12/09/2006 21:58

I know what you mean - I put up with my husbands behaviour for 2 years because I desparately wanted our boys to have a dad and for us to be a lovely little family but there comes a time when you have to realise that actually everyone would be happier if we just stopped pretending.
My sons are much happier and relaxed now that it is just us, and Daddy is much happier so they get more attention and love from him too.
I like being an independant woman, I earn my own money and pay my own bills and I don't put up with any c**p from a man!!
I've decided to become a lesbian because when I hear my friends talking about their partners I know I don't want another man in my life!!!
Chin up!!

benbenandme · 12/09/2006 22:12

Hi Sanchpanch,

I haven't been on here much recently but saw your message and wanted to say hi - I often wonder how you're getting on now

I still see ex every week when he collects/drops off ds (and she is always waiting in the car for him). At the moment we're relatively civil to each other but conversation is awkward as I don't want to know what he's up to and don't want him knowing my business either!

I know how you feel about wanting to look your best, I still make an effort when hes coming round ... not for him but for my own satisfaction that I am fine without him.

I am coming up to see Robbie on monday, (well me and 65000 others!!). I totally agree about wanting the family bit back, I find it tough not having anyone to share bits with - ds started nursery last week and I would have loved him to be able to tell daddy all about it in the evening, but instead daddy sent him a text message hoping it had gone okay
Anyhow, chin up, we've come a long bloody way so far and are over the worst!!

Culturalmum · 13/09/2006 10:43

Maybe if you have the time and money, get your hair done? Wear something he would disaprove of but you feel yourself in and greet him with a smile as if you havent a care in the world. You only have to keep up a brave face for a short while, but it will be worth it. You can't let him get away with thinking you can't face him-he'll think you want him back. Also, the family thing was a myth, that's why it is over now. We would probably all want our kids to have two loving supportive parents, but it isn't reality for many.

spook · 13/09/2006 10:52

Sandpanch. I really really feel for you. For a long time I couldn't face my ex and insisted on him picking up and dropping off my boys at the end of our long drive. But this is just not nice for the kids so overcame my fears and now face him every week.
I keep any conversation to a minimum and do as others have said-just concentrate on hugs and kisses for the boys.
It may knock you back a little bit-you are right to be concerned.
But-looking youor best WILL make you feel much better, and you must smile and look happy (even though it may be churning you up inside)
Once he has gone and you shut the front door it will be very strange and very sad I am sure. My tip is to have something planned-seeing a friend or shopping straight away so you are taken out of the situation immediately.
HTH-I am with you all the way sweetie.
Be strong.

sanchpanch · 13/09/2006 19:13

thankyou everyone, it sounds like such a trivial thing but it is going to be a massive hurdle for me, i am glad he is coming at 9.00 so i dont have to wait until the afternoon for it to happen, i am going to do everything recommended by you all, had my hair done last week, and will spend a bit longer getting ready so i feel better about myself,

Benbenandme, long time no hear!!! glad you are doing ok, i remember the days when all we wanted to do was get them back!! that feels like a life time ago....
How are you doing now? have you met anyone?

i am going to see robbie on saturday night and so looking foward to it ,the stage already looks fantastic. have a fab time on monday, how far are you traveling?

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benbenandme · 13/09/2006 20:19

Hi Sanchpanch,

Would I be able to CAT you? Would love to chat to you more and see how you're doing now, but thought I'd check first!
Yeah, some days it all seems so long ago and I know I've come on miles since then, but then other days it all seems such an effort and I'd still love to have everything "right" again
Gradully accepting it now and trying to move forward. Did meet someone but my heart wasn't in it so I ended it ... he was a lovely guy but he wasn't my ex
Anyhow, let me know if you wanna chat more and I will cat you, rather than clogging up the board on here!!

MistressMiggins · 13/09/2006 20:22

hi sanchpanch (and benbenandme)

you 2 are slightly further along than me but all 3 of us are now single mums cos our rat husbands have gone off with someone else

its still hard doing the drop off - I didnt have any contact for 3 months - he had to do all the pick up & drop off at my parents who live 2 min drive away - the kids see my paretns nearly every day so didnt bother them at all....

recently I have started doing pickups/drop offs again and its not healthy for ME - and this DOES affect the children

my family want me to stop contact again for my sanity

its easy to say "its been 10 mths"....but when it comes as a shock, AND you are suddenly left with total responsibility, its hard

I agree with advice - if you have to see him, keep it short, dont look at him, smile & make all the right noises at your children and then shut the door.....chat me if you like & get my mobile as Ive rung many a friend after Ive shut that door in tears....

you've done so well - be strong & dont let him see how you feel

MistressMiggins · 13/09/2006 20:29

have just CAT both sanchpanch & benbenandme :-)
come on ladies - be strong

benbenandme · 13/09/2006 20:45

Hi MistressMiggins,

Thankyou for CAT-ing me - should I have received an email or something??? Sorry, not very good with technology and you know how it is ... I used to have a bloke who could sort stuff like that out for me
Would love to chat more with you both!!

sanchpanch · 14/09/2006 09:56

hi mmiggins, got your cat thanks i have replied but it is brief as i am at work, will talk more later.

benbenandme my email address, is

[email protected]

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