At what point do I need to tell ex about new man in my life?

(16 Posts)
welshnat Fri 15-Nov-13 19:19:23

Evening all, I am looking for some advice. Me and ex split about 4 months ago. Since then I have had a lot of support from an old school friend of mine who is also a single parent. The friendship has slowly turned into a relationship and we have now had THE conversation.

what I need advice about is when should I let my ex know that I am seeing somebody. Most of the time I see him on the weekend when I do not have DS, but we have had a few days in the park with both DC's. I would like to know if it was turned around and a woman I did not know was spending time with DS, but at the moment it has been 3 times since the talk. Before that we spent time together with DC's as friends.

Ex and I are on good terms, and would like this to continue. So does anybody have any advice/experience?

SleepyFish Fri 15-Nov-13 19:42:11

No experience as ex isn't on the scene but I would probably say when they start spending time with the children. Better coming from you than the dc. Maybe don't say you're in a relationship as such but just mention you've started seeing someone.

welshnat Fri 15-Nov-13 19:46:06

DS won't be mentioning him to ex as he is only 21 months. But I do want to be open about it, without him feeling I'm rubbing his nose in it IYSWIM? At the moment we have only ever been out with both Dc and it has very much been a 'play date' situation. No hand holding, no kissing and it will stay that way for a while I think. New man's DD is 3.5 so much more aware of the situation.

paperlantern Sat 16-Nov-13 09:09:29

you don't ever have to really isn't any of his business

welshnat Sat 16-Nov-13 10:03:08

I know I don't have to tell him, but I want to show him the same courtesy that I would like to be shown.

Does nobody have any experience of this? Am seeing ex at drop off tomorrow and not sure whether to let him know in a general way.

optimusic Sat 16-Nov-13 10:09:05

I had been seeing the person for about a year and felt ready to introduce him to my dc's, and just before I let ex know.

losingtrust Sat 16-Nov-13 10:09:07

ASAP. Communication may brake down if he finds out from other sources and your dcs will still want to see him.

losingtrust Sat 16-Nov-13 10:11:06

Looking at it from my own experience. Grateful that ex had the guts to tell me straight away. I would have hated to find out later. It may hurt but really far better if done in sensitive way.

welshnat Sat 16-Nov-13 10:36:43

optimusic - your experience is different though as dp had already met Ds as he was a friend and been on play dates with DC's together. So should I wait until we are openly in a relationship in front of DC's before I tell ex?

losing trust - that is how I feel about the situation, I think I may just let him know that we have been spending time with dp. Once it is a more established relationship I will let ex know.

optimusic Sat 16-Nov-13 11:34:58

That's what I did. Waited until just before I introduced him as a partner to the dc's to let the ex know. The ex nor the dc's never knew about who I was seeing before that. They didn't know I had a friend with benefits, the quick flings or anything else. Yes anyone of those could have turned into a serious relationship. But they didn't.

I didn't think it was any business of the ex who I was seeing until that person started to be involved in the children's lives. Communication never suffered. I do think if I had told him about the flings, then this would have affected things between us. He would have worried about the men in and out of my life and he would have obsessed about if I was really that discrete.

losingtrust Sat 16-Nov-13 12:26:03

I would not bother with flings either.

EggsandBake Sun 17-Nov-13 14:21:08

Only been on the recieving end of this. I wouldn't mention it at handover. It may take him by surprise how he feels about it, especially as if it becomes properly serious, your dp may see more off his dc than he does, and it is a recent split. Give him some time to digest it before he sees you in person, would be my advice.

I think it is a bit of a unique situation because this person is an old friend and single parent so it makes sense you would spend time with your dc together. In the spirit of openness I would tell ex sooner rather than later if you do feel this is a serious relationship.

needaholidaynow Mon 18-Nov-13 20:33:18

You're not obliged to tell him. And vice versa. Exes don't automatically have this entitlement to know each others business.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Thu 21-Nov-13 21:22:44

I know that exs don't automatically have the right to know about your personal life but if you get on well with yours then I'd recommend telling him as soon as you can.

I told my XP about my new DP after we'd been seeing each other for about 4 months as I wanted to introduce him to DS and it seemed the fair thing to do.

XP didn't extend the same courtesy to me and I found out about his new partner from DS whilst I was skyping him with XP present. I wish I had a picture of XP's face when he told me hmm

stewartlaura67 Fri 22-Nov-13 09:42:55

I think as soon as possible it better to tell the truth instead of waiting for a right time.

welshnat Tue 26-Nov-13 08:15:31

I have decided that once New Man starts to come around the house while DS is here then I will tell ex. At the moment it is only play dates oustide and New Man comes around when DS is at his father's.

Thank you for the advice everyone.

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