Should i ask exp or not?

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

I really dont want to have to as i fear it will have the opposite effect.

Ok ds is 4. He goes to his dad's with ds1(8) EOW friday-sunday. The original arrangement was friday 6pm - sunday 6pm but exp fucked about for months, not turning up, turning up late, turning up the next day, cancelling at last minute etc so my contact with him mainly revolved around finding out if he was coming, if he would be on time, if not then when would he be coming etc. when he did take them he was leaving them back around 7.30/8pm on the sunday evenings and i let it slide after the first few messages reminding him about the 6pm agreement because basically he ignored me and i believe kept them later to get to me. But now ds2 has started primary and not only is he exhausted when he gets home on sunday evenings he is also now exhausted on mondays in school and its coming out in temper/crying tantrums both with me and in school. Im working really hard with him on his behaviour an he's responding well except for when he is beyond himself with exhaustion and i basically have to get him straight to bed on sunday evenings as soon as he comes home without even a bath.the fact that im not getting to spend any time with him after not seeing him all weekend is upsetting but not the main issue. Its that hes so tired and its awful to see him like that. I want to contact exp and ask him if he will bring then home at 6pm as agreed but i need to get the point across in a way that wont get his back up and that he can see its for the dcs im asking. He is quite immature and i can see him doing the opposite just to piss me off which would just be awful for the dcs. I know from ds1 that he lets them stay up very late (after 11pm) on the friday and saturday nights but i know i have no right to say they have to go to bed earlier at his house just explaining that this is why ds is so tired.

So in my shoes would you contact him and if so how do i phrase it so he sees im not just giving hom orders?

[DwellsUndertheSink]

Id ask for an earlier return, then he will still feel he is winning if he returns them at 6. Id also put the issue in terms of the school complaining. ...

"X, Ive had a call from the school about DS - he is so tired after your weekends that it is affecting his behaviour at school and he is so tired that he cannot function. Something needs to change.

"I dont want to tell you how to parent on your weekends, but I think that the kids need to be back here earlier - say 4-5 oclock, so he can get an early night and some sleep before school. Bringing him back after 8 after an action packed exciting weekend is just not giving him enough rest time.

"The alternative is to make sure he is getting 12 hours sleep a night, throughout the weekend, which is going to impact your weekend plans. We have to do something, or DS will effectively lose a couple of weeks of school every year due to exhaustion.

"Let me know how we can work this to help DS."

You might even tell a white lie and say the school are considering reporting this if it continues.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Good idea about bringing them home earlier than 6. Yes i think i'll have to say that this is coming from the school rather than me. Thank you that is a great way of phrasing it.

[ScariestFairyByFar]

Discuss it with school and if they have concerns ask them to put it in writing to both of you

[Monetbyhimself]

Yep definitely ask for a much earlier drop off than you want. Ex loves thinking he has the last word in everything

[betterthanever]

Your ex to be fair even if he doesn't deserve it doesn't see the DC on Monday after school so he doesn't know what they are like, so given that even though he may know I would word it along the lines of, you have noticed that DS is struggling on Monday at/after school after he has been there at the weekend and dropped off late and you think it may help DS if he could come home earlier on the Sunday and go to bed earlier, as you don't want a late night on the Sunday spoiling what is otherwise a great weekend for him.
I can't see the school wanting to involve themselves.
If you ex isn't interested then you could try mediation?
The advice' on things like the parenting connection website would be similar to above but the advice' doesn't then say what you do if you don't get what should be a reasonable response back. I keep meaning to ask them what do you do when you try and be reasonable and clam and to the point etc. and you still don't get an amicable response. Sadly conflict is only reduced when both parties want it to reduce.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Thanks all, i have sent the following,

Exp, ds2 is coming home exhausted from your house on sunday evening and isnt coping well at school on the mondays. His teacher has mentioned this to me a few times now. He really needs to be getting an early night on sundays after the late nights at the weekend. Do you think we could arrange getting them (both boys) home earlier on sundays?

Lets hope he's in a good mood this evening and sees the sense in it.

[betterthanever]

If you get a bad reply, try not to reply instantly have a think about it and don't take it personally. If he enjoys and gives the DC a good weekend, this is annoying for you but may be bigger battles to fight and I would try and keep this one as amicable as you can.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Well that was easier than expected. He replied saying yes and suggested 4pm! Thanks for advice wrt wording of text, i think thats what swung it. So relieved now.

[betterthanever]

Excellent news

[ScariestFairyByFar]

Great news x

[Monetbyhimself]

Double bonus

[BrandybuckCurdlesnoot]

That's great. Hope it continues. Another alternative if it doesn't work is to do the pick up yourself if you can. That way you know it'll be at a set time every week as you'll be doing the pick up.

[paneer]

excellent news