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Can i ask a question please?

9 replies

Foxy800 · 04/09/2013 20:31

Hi,

My ex, dd's Dad doesn't see her regularly despite me saying he should. He just calls up and expects to see her, if we have plans I try to work round it.

Anyway, he called tonight to ask what she was doing on Saturday, I told him, although he knew as he saw her earlier today when he went round to his friends who was looking after dd. Anyway he went on about how his Mum had the day off work Saturday etc, so I said he could have her for some of the day. He didn't like this so I said I would ask dd ( she is 7). So I asked dd who was sat next to me, he was still on phone so able to hear, what she wanted to do and she answered the party. He obviously wasn't happy with this.

I am now doubting whether I should have asked a 7 yr old what they wanted to do or whether I should have said you will go see Daddy. What do you guys think?

Thanks in advance.

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Onebuddhaisnotenough · 04/09/2013 20:34

Don't be bullied by him. I probably wouldn't have asked a seven year old, purely because I know she'd chose the party everytime and if it was a recurring issue, she may end up feeling torn. Ex consistently tries to make my kids feel guilty for having lives that don't revolve around his and Ows demands for audiences with them

Don't be bullied - if he doesn't step up with regular and consistent contact he has to fit in around HER life.

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Foxy800 · 04/09/2013 20:41

Sorry should have stated it is a baby shower party not a party party so I was fully expecting her to choose Daddy not that.
It is also the first time I have asked her.
Thank you for your opinion.

I am tempted to ask her again tomorrow when it is just me and her but don't know if that will make it harder for her.

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Foxy800 · 04/09/2013 20:45

Sorry should have also added that I only asked her as her Dad wouldn't stop going on on the phone and I couldn't find a way of getting through to him it was dd's decision.

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foolonthehill · 04/09/2013 22:07

I wouldn't keep asking her....she might start worrying that she has to choose or that if she chooses "wrongly" Daddy (or you) will be upset.

It feels impossible with parents who just want their child(ren) as and when but you can only do your best and encourage them to have predictable contact...and if he won't sign up to that then there will be times when she is unavailable.

personally i also have a problem with the parent who only lets the children's "life" happen with the RP an not in "their time" but that is a whole other thread!!

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Fraxinus · 04/09/2013 23:32

I might ask the dc their opinion on different options, but I make it clear to them that I make the decisions.

This is supposed to make them argue less when we have to do something boring that they don't want to do. I think it helps.

It's really tough on you that his attitude to contact is don't pin me down. It is actually very selfish behaviour, and unfortunately I think the more flexible you are with him the more he will think it is ok.

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Foxy800 · 05/09/2013 07:46

Thank you guys, will leave it as she has said she wants to do original plans and normally I just say to him that she has plans so cant go. Only reason I asked is he was making out it was my plans and I was dragging her along so just wanted him to know she wants to go not being made to go so to speak.

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Fraxinus · 06/09/2013 22:14

Yeah, I get your point, but just watch out for the double standards. When it's not convenient for him, consulting the dc might well be out the window! Good luck, and I hope the party is fun.

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Foxy800 · 08/09/2013 08:57

The baby party was good thanks and she had a lovely time, thank you. I have no intention of making it a regular thing to ask her, at the end of the day if he is too selfish to have regular contact we are going to make plans so it is too bad if we are busy. If it is appropriate I will change plans but she is off an age now where she is starting to have her own things on, eg, she goes to brownies and they sometimes do things at the weekend etc , so this is not always possible.
I want to discuss contact with him as it is not far on dd but he just says he cant commit to anything regularly!!But expects her to drop everything when he does call!!!

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Foxy800 · 08/09/2013 08:58

I am tempted to write a proposal down and give it to him to read, and sign but I know he wont as it will mean committing regularly and he cant do this apparently!!!