So sad

[wirral]

Hi I've not been in touch for ages.Trying to start again and come to terms with the new terminology that the situtation is bringing -ex husband / wife / divorce.

My soon to be ex and I are still at the snarling stage and to be honest I really can't stand the man. However I am attempting a new attitude of civility. It's our daughter's class assembly next week and I've invited him to walk to school with us and I'll probably even sit by him.Daughter will be pleased (she's 6). We even went 10 pin bowling at my instigation last weekend. I am not sure that this is the right thing to do but I am exhausted by all the fighting and by acting civilly I am hoping that in time I will feel civil. At the moment it's just an act!

My major problem is that I have no idea what went wrong with our marriage.He has given me no explanation apart from the fact that he felt happier without me when I went on a business trip for a week prior to Christmas.He doesn't appear to have a girlfriend ( although he did send me a loving text by mistake early on when he left). He's living alone and clearly missing our daughter. I feel that I must have been really awful to live with if this alternative is better and I can't believe that I was so oblivious to the fact that he was so unhappy.He is being really uncooperative about our divorce. Not talking to his solicitor etc. I used to have false hope that this meant he was having second thoughts but in our new found association it would appear that he is just broke and can't afford to use his solicitor much.

I know that there are no answers. I am just looking to air my thoughts.

[ssd]

sorry to hear this wirral

TBH I haven't got any good advice, I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you!

ssd x x x

[bontinini]

Sorry to hear of your separation, with a child involved, it is always much more difficult...It really will get easier in time, if you concentrate on you! You are still at the sytage, of focusing on your ex..Remember, this is someone, who has abandoned you, made you feel unwanted, and hasn't had the decency to explain why? You must repeat to yourself, every chance, 'I deserve better'Because, you most certainly do! If you concentrate on things you enjoy, reach out for help, and leave him to get on with himself, for a while. It is good of you to be civil to him, but by including him at this time, you only nurture false hope in youself, you have to move on, and that means, getting away from him, and stop giving him the best of both worlds, a thoughtful ex wife, and also no responsibility, on his part. I know your child adores him, but she won't notice a break from him too much, while you take stock of your situation, and she will cope, based on how you cope. I wish you all the best. A tough time, I know, have been there, my thoughts are with you. You have the strength, you will love again one day, but be loved by someone, who deserves your love. Best wishes...

[wirral]

Thanks to you both for your thoughts. Thanks to Bontini for what I suspect is really excellent advice.

I'd now like some advice over holiday contact. As you know I am trying to be 'civil'. My daughter is 6 years old. Prior to husband leaving we had booked flights to Portugal for a five week period. I have suggested that my husband takes daughter for two weeks but not consecutive weeks. I do honestly feel that she is too young and the split is too recent for her to be away from home and away from her Mum for a fortnight. Believe me I will revue this next year.

Husband is incensed by this. He has put forward suggestion that he comes to Portugal on his own and then takes daughter off me. I then go somewhere else in Portugal whilst he spends a week with her. I then return , look after daughter until the next week that he comes out. Basically he can't afford to pay for 2 flights.

The other option that he is putting forward is that we spend a week together as a 'family' and then I return home and he has daughter for 10 /11 days.

Is the fact he's broke an issue I should take on board? Should I leap at the chance to spend time as a family ? Should I just give in and let him have a fortnight?

Why is life so bloomin complicated?

By the way.... positive thoughts please. Daughter's class assembly tomorrow and husband and I are going together! Am dreading it. Why does everything that used to be so good seem so horrible now???

[fairyjay]

You both seem to be trying to work things out with your daughter's interests at heart. Good for you

[JoolsToo]

yes it is sad when a marriage breaks up - for everyone.

I think your attitude towards your dh/ex is exemplary although it must be very hard for you. I don't know how hard because I've never been in this situation but from the outside looking in you are to be applauded and much better for your dd.

I hope you can be civil with each other in the future - as you say all that anger must be exhausting.

I wish you the very best of luck.

[EmilyD]

This sounds like exactly what's happened to me and sounds like a very common thing, i went away for 2 days and came back to the news he was leaving me as he wanted to live on his own and it wasn't about me it was about him rubbish but wasn't willign to go to counselling or anything to try and fix, he just wanted out when the going gets tough. he makes hardly any effort now he's moved out, i seem to make all the effort in keeping things nice for our son but maybe i am living in false hope he will come to his senses. I keep getting told by my counsellor and friends that i need to move on, easier said than done after 14 years together when it came so out of the blue