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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Your honest opinions please!

20 replies

dollyindub · 02/04/2013 00:00

I've been a single parent since DS was born 6 months ago.
Background, sorry will try to be brief:
We live in Dublin. Been here a few years, have friends and a good job (currently on mat leave).
His father broke up with me when I told him I was pregnant and is now living with his new woman and her child.
Things have been difficult between us at times but we both have our son's best interest at heart.
He is a mature student and has hidden money in various accounts so he can claim certain benefits whilst studying. He manages to pay his half of their rent, bills, food, drink and a limited social life estimated minimum ?800 - ?900 per month.
He has made a couple of child care payments but I am still waiting on a lump sum that was 'hidden' in a friend's account and has now been spent by the 'friend'.
Since the baby was born he has seen him 1-2 times per week, whilst I do all the 'real' parenting..

I am so worried about how I'm going to manage financially when I go back to work, as in Ireland working single parents get no state help with child are costs and my rent is extortionate (the place is also a dump and it's impossible to move as each rental vacancy has block viewings due to demand)

My mood has been very low recently, I feel as if I'm struggling away on my own, despite my baby being a complete joy, and having recently had a flare up of my arthritic condition and difficulty even lifting the baby, I've realised how alone I am.

Back in the UK I have family, friends, I could get another job in my field relatively easily, and I have a small property that is currently rented out.

Sorry, this is war and peace but don't want to drip feed.

My question is, do you think I would be a total cow to deprive my son of his father by moving back to the UK?
Of course they would still see each other but their relationship would not be the same.

It pisses me off that ex went from living rent free at his mums to moving in with his girlfriend without considering how he was going to make his child care payments and I'm sick of carrying all the responsibility tbh.
I don't want my son to resent me later in life for moving away from his dad, but I'm getting desperate.

His dad just keeps saying that the money will be coming soon. Ex is near the end of his course but plans to study for a further year to 'improve his employment prospects'
Thanks for reading if you've got this far!

OP posts:

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dollyindub · 02/04/2013 00:03

Sorry, I should add, that he's planning to use the money he can lay his hands on to pay for his next year in college, living expenses etc.
Although I can 'ask' for money if DS needs anything

OP posts:

MysteriousHamster · 02/04/2013 00:14

He is leaving you with no choice - it sounds like you have to move. Will you warn him of your plans? Could he try to stop you?

duffybeatmetoit · 02/04/2013 00:19

Doesn't sound like you can rely on any regular funds to support your ds. I would head to the UK where you have the support and job prospects. If your ex really had his son's best interests at heart he would see that this is best for him. It may also be the wakeup call he needs.

SneezingwakestheJesus · 02/04/2013 00:41

I'd move and I wouldn't warn him either. I would say you are going to see family and then just stay. As horrible as I may sound, its easier to stop you while you are in Dublin but once you are gone the size of the fight might put him off if he isn't that bothered. I do think you are making the right choice though. I had to make the same decision and it was the best thing I've done for dd.

SneezingwakestheJesus · 02/04/2013 00:42

(Same decision in moving I meant but not quite as far away).

dollyindub · 02/04/2013 01:17

Thanks for your replies!
It really is starting to look like my only option. I have broached it with exp before but he just changes the subject. He can be very manipulative, and I'm not feeling so great at the moment, so I'm very conscious of not making any hasty decisions.
The only difficulty is that the longer I'm here, the deeper the relationship between DS and ex will become (currently DS doesn't know him from a spoon but that will change)
The irony is that when I was preg he couldn't wait to get shot of us both and kept encouraging me to return home once DS was born.
Then he was born and he fell in love with him. Great for DS, pain in the hole for me!

I would have to tell him if we were moving. The law here is different in that the mother (if unmarried) has sole guardianship. I would have to sign forms to give him co-guardianship (I offered to do this when I was pregnant but ex refused "I trust you") He would have to take me to court if I refuse to sign now. He also seems to have forgotten about this guardianship issue to I've never spoken about it since.

Actually I don't think he'd kick up too much of a fuss - what can he do? He will always put himself and his own needs first.

It's just DS as he grows up with his dad not around as regularly as he would be if I were able to stay here. That's what really bothers me.

OP posts:

colditz · 02/04/2013 01:22

Move back to to your mum, sweetheart.

You need the support and you're not getting any.

corlan · 02/04/2013 08:52

I would move.

It's the old advice they give you on airplanes - put on your oxygen mask before you put on your child's. If you stop coping because of your situation, the effects of that will be much worse for your son than the effects of not seeing his dad so often.

mamalovesmojitos · 02/04/2013 08:55

I would move in a heartbeat. He is no support to you.

SavoyCabbage · 02/04/2013 09:02

Move. Definitely.

sweetiepie1979 · 02/04/2013 09:07

Move !

stella1w · 02/04/2013 09:11

Move. If he cares, he can move too. You have a house in uk and support!

acceptableinthe80s · 02/04/2013 09:12

As a fellow SP I don't know how I'd cope without family support. Move back home, it does'nt sound financially viable to stay. My ds does'nt see his biological father but has great relationships with his grandparents/cousins/aunts and uncles. Does'nt sound like your ex has any intention of stepping up.

redskynight · 02/04/2013 09:58

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be near your support system so that you can bring up your son in the best way you can. If you are happy your child will be happier too.

Dadthelion · 02/04/2013 11:18

Remembering your other thread-

You didn't want your ex to see his child anywhere but at your house, how are you going to let him have access if you move away? Will he have to stay in the UK to see his child?

If you can honestly hand on heart say you wanting to move is with the best interests of your son, you should move.

If it's because you don't like our ex and his partner having a relationship
with his child, you shouldn't.

Fleecyslippers · 02/04/2013 11:45

Move in a heartbeat. HE is a deadbeat. Good luck

IntheFrame · 02/04/2013 11:53

The distance won't be a problem if he's even a bit committed though. You just create different access arrangements than the " normal" alternate weekends or whatever.
You could easily have a new partner in the near future diminishing the "depriving my son of a father" issue.
You can't do anything about your ex so don't try. Create your own life and he can fit in with you.

SneezingwakestheJesus · 02/04/2013 12:16

OP, I've had a nosy through your past threads and there's a lot of issues there with your ex and the OW but I still think you should move. I think some people in life don't realise how closely connected a child and their main carer are in terms of their well being. If you are suffering and are unhappy with your living situation, your ds will pick up on it. The unhappier you get, the more ds will be affected by the situation. By moving you are doing the right thing for your son because the happiness you will have being around your family will rub off on ds and with the extra family support, life will be so much better for you both. The way I saw it was my ex saw dd for two hours a week, I looked after her for the other 166 hours. Was it worth me (and dd as a result) being lonely for so many hours for the sake of two hours of contact? I decided it wasn't worth it and moved. My dd is so much happier and so am I. If you think moving would make you both happier, then it is the right decision.

dollyindub · 02/04/2013 21:50

Wow! Just seen all these replies - thanks so much!
Yes, as has been pointed out, I did post on AIBU a couple of months ago (first post I think!) and boy, certainly got a flaming from some...
Not unreasonably on some points, and it did help me to work on shifting my mindset from the hurt that I'd experienced with ex, to the best outcome for our son.
One poster at the time said that as a child she didn't want to know about, or care about what had happened between her parents, the only thing that mattered was that they were her parents... That did resonate with me and I really am trying to do the right thing by my son.

Dadthelion I have to be realistic, DS will visit his dad and stay with him in his home. If I'm completely honest, the thought of the OW with her hands on my baby, being mistaken for his mum etc...well, lets say I still have work to do on that one and it could be a while!
But they are my issues. I realise that.

I've been reading and lurking on the lone parents board since I was lone pregnant! And the strength of so many of you floors me.

Ex has a day off from studying tomorrow and is coming to take DS for the day. Will discuss this matter with him then.
Wish me luck and thanks again all of you for your thoughts and opinions.

OP posts:

dollyindub · 02/04/2013 22:01

Oh, and Sneezing I agree, I think when you've cared for a baby quite alone, bar a few hours a week here and there, you do feel very closely bonded with them.

My mood is definitely dipping with the constant worry and stress of how we'll manage financially and find a decent place to live, so I really do need to seriously consider this option.

I would make sure that we visit Ireland regularly, to see DS's wider family and my friends as well as his father.
I imagine that in the future he'll spend holidays with his dad as well as regular visits in the UK and Ireland.

OP posts:

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