X and I split in early Jan after he had an affair.
I still feel really angry. Angry about what he did, angry about the fact that he is with ow and angry that I am now a single parent and have to deal with shit that he doesn't have to. I am keeping it together in front of the kids but I am falling apart. I am on citalopram for anxiety and depression and I don't think it's doing anything really.
It's not in my nature to be angry but I am. How can I let it go? I don't want to get back with him (he is a gaslighting, emotionally abusive cheating bastard) but I am furious that his life can go on as normal while I have to struggle. I am consumed by revenge fantasies that I would love to carry out.
Hi 50shades, my exH left in September to live with the OW who he'd only been seeing about a month before he left.
I too am on Citalopram and although it's helping a bit what I've really found useful for getting over the anger (and getting over wanting him back) is counselling. I've seen my counsellor every week for 4 weeks now and am starting to let go of the hurt and anger and I am starting to feel more in control of my own life now.
I no longer have the revenge fantasies because the life he leads now is my revenge. He doesn't see the children except for Sundays and often they don't want to speak to him on the phone or on FaceTime. I on the other hand always wake up in the morning with my eldest 2 in my bed asking for cuddles. Once the honeymoon period with the OW has worn off I can see that he will trapped with her whether he likes it or not as all he could afford without her would be a studio flat or a room in a shared house that he wouldn't be able to take the kids too. And while I'm having counselling to sort out my feelings he would never do that so he'll always be a selfish, entitled, controlling, lying, cheating, gas lighting abusive arse - so that's revenge on the OW too.
For me the early weeks were a roller coaster of emotions but I promise you that it does get easier.
Good luck OP you deserve happiness, be kind to yourself.
A cliche but time, time and time. I am 2 years post affair (Also an abuser) and although occasionally, I still get overwhelmed with angry feelings, they are so much better than those early days of feeling utterly betrayed and having the urge to do serious damage to genitalia
This is all so raw and painful. But the main thing is keeping you and your kids physically and emotionally healthy. Do all the things you 'should' be doing - eat properly, try to get proper sleep, exercise. Reorganise your life to ensure that you are not burning yourself out by trying to do the practical stuff that used to fall to 2 adults.
And keep focusing on the fact that he has chosen this path. He has walked away from his family and his kids. YOU are the strong, secure, stable influence. You are the one who is keeping them afloat through all of this. YOU are the one who has 'escaped' an abusive relationship - OW has only just started out with him. Imagine them arguing and falling out over the toilet seat being left up. Imagine how you will feel in years to come when you have rebuilt a fantastic life for your family and the pair of them are locked in a dead end shitty 'relationship' with her watching his every move cos she knows what he's capable of.
Imagine all of that but keep it locked away in a little corner of your brain and don't let it invade every hour.
Prepare for tough times ahead - it seems that most cheating bastards and OW expect that the kids will be handed over at their whim in order for them to play happy families. Talk to us about how to handle that when it happens.
But also, prepare for good times ahead. This pain WILL ease. You WILL come through and there are lots of us here who have walked the path before.
I have just posted a thread in relationships and I think it ties in with this ( anger and lack of self control) I am also someone who is normally very calm and my friends describe as laid back. BUT I also feel really angry. I would like to look into counselling but am not working at the moment and am worried that the cost will mean it is out of my reach ( I had to give up my job whe I moved countries) . I am going to the new doctors tomorrow ( sons appt) and am hoping to make contact then won't feel as awkward if I go to talk to them. Some days I feel angry but then I have to have contact and I feel back at square angry. Thanks 50shades and McB your advice makes me feel I am not going crazy ( as he would make me believe) and things will get easier -
One thing that has helped me is to think that by being angry, by thinking about his crappiness, his behaviour is still controlling my life, still having a huge effect on how I feel. By giving less of a shit, I'm gaining more control of my life again.
It is harder day to day having to do everything yourself. But when you are old, who are your children going to visit more often? Who will have the memories and satisfaction that they did their best as a parent?
Some GP surgeries have their own counsellor that you can see for free: worth asking at yours? I saw the one at mine and he was great, better than the private therapist actually. I know somebody who was training to be a therapist and did shifts with Mind (I think it was?) to make up his training hours, perhaps it might be helpful to call their helpline anyway for support if you are suffering depression. You can always go to Samaritans if there's one in your town and see somebody face to face, for free. They are trained volunteers, and tho they can't advise, they are very supportive, non judgemental and a really good place to get it all out.