Struggling with kids

[MrsGrumps]

I'm not a natural parent, I find it really hard but I do my best.

I have two kids of 12 and 7 boy/girl and they simply hate each other. I spend the day breaking up arguements, the elder picking on the younger and physically and verbally attacking him. Each on their own are fine but put them together and I hate being with them.

It's been like this since almost the point where the younger was born, I have been on my own since before his birth. The age gap means she has never wanted to mother her younger brother and that he always wanted to do the stuff she does which when he was younger was beyond him. So she resented him and life just never seems to be any more peaceful.

They hardly ever see their Dad, maybe for a few hours every couple of months as he has a new family of his own. He saw them Boxing day for 6 whole f*cking hours which gave me a small break from them but I'm not dying to get back to work to get away from them.

It's not that I do not love them, I just do not like them or spending time with them anymore :(

[cafebistro]

I feel your pain OP though my situation is a bit different. I 'm not a single parent (yet) but i do basically all the childcare so often feel like it. And my DC are 7, 4 and 2. Fight?? God yes - biting, hair pulling, screetching - they just can't be nice to each other. I have to position around the kitchen table when they're eating in such a way so that they can't reach each other, otherwise messing with each others food etc etc.
As your Dc are a bit older than mine could you give them punishments for bad behaviour towards each other? At the moment i tend to put my 7 yo in his room for a bit to let the situation cool down a bit and split them up.
Some days I think " what did i do to deserve 3 spiteful little monsters?" . On there own they are sweetness and light. It can be really difficult.

[foolonthehill]

This book is really really helpful for these issues Siblings without Rivalry

the trouble is finding time/energy to read it and access the help isn't it?

I also like How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk which I regularly go back to for a refresher. But this is more about adult/child relationship building.

[cestlavielife]

Focus on trying to reward good behaviour ?

Is there any time at all they ok together ?

Look up parenting courses locally if Only so you know you not alone? And maybe get some ideas....

Ask gp to refer to family therapist for some ideas too .

[Sweetiesmum]

Hi MrsG- Like CafeBistro I feel your pain
my chidren at times wont stop hitting/taunting/flicking hair etc Drives me nuts when they get like that too
For me they are really happy doing Wii Dance 4 & other games so when they are driving me crazy, I get them vacuuming/mopping/whatever basic housework for about 20mins(i dont expect miracles but some effort made is good with the cleaning!), then reward with sweet treat and they can choose an activity alone or together. their choice. I try to teach that playtime happens only if they are well behaved/ dishes done/bed made or whatever-keeps them out of mischief a bit, though still hard work.
The fact that your X only manages a few hours to spend with his children every few months is horrible for both his children and you. I'll be a judgemental cow and call him a bastard. (Now I feel better!) He has disconnected from his children and replaced them with his new children, which must really hurt your children very much. Maybe a lot of the fighting is to get your attention (I know its crappy attention when you're annoyed, but children act on emotions and needs rather than grown up logic)

P. S. My opinion- I think you haven't an easy task with your children being emotionally needy because of a insensitive cold absent father. Just because your X has a new family is no excuse to barely acknowledge his children exist. They would know that 6 hours on xmas day was duty only and not a loving respectful effort to get to know them and show he really cared.

[Sweetiesmum]

Sorry Boxing Day not Xmas Day and sorry if Im up the garden path/off the track.

Hope you can have one to one time with each child and things settle for your family
Hope you get lots of cuddles and special time with your children in 2013 and many more years into the future

[Sweetiesmum]

P.S As I write this my kids are smacking each other!!!!

one to one time seriously lacking in this family ATM
its cos i am too into mumsnet/reading & need to get off this site and spendtimewith the kids!!

[MrsGrumps]

Not off track, totally correct in fact. I'm pretty sure it is all to do with negative attention being some sort of attention, or at least it was when eldest was about 7, at her age now she should understand that I have to spread my time between her, him, me and every other thing that needs doing, which as we know is lots!

Eldest is also figuring out her Dad without my help but she is torn about him because she wants to see her half siblings also, so she cannot ignore him and tell him to take a running jump. Youngest totally ignores Dad one he's back through my door even when his dad is trying to say goodbye, gets blanked totally.

[Sweetiesmum]

guess your youngest has learnt not to get too attached to his Dad/take much notice of what he says so he doesnt get so hurt

What I had to do with juggling time and mine being (excedingly)naughty for attention was tell her I would spend 15 mins each day just her and me and play cards/have a hot chocolate with marshmallows to make it special and a bikkie I dumped the housework and put her need to feel important first just for 15 mins/day (and then did same with other kids)

when they are old they wont remember how spotless(or messy like mine) the house is but they will cherish simple acts of thoughtfulnes/kindness on your part

whatever you say they are is what they become/grow up to be
watch what you say/no matter how bloody annoying they are
keep saying lovely things about them many times a day and if they feel you really mean it they will keep showing you that

Its bloody hard at times to juggle everything with kids xx

[Sweetiesmum]

P.s. and spoil yourself rotten and go out without kids whenever you can cos above all you've gotta be happy too