Why is nothing my ex's fault?

[theredhen]

He was always like this when we were married. I don't think once in twelve years did he ever say sorry to anyone apart from when he thought he was going to lose something.

He is completely unreliable, he does work funny hours and I don't mind being flexible but he's requested midnight pick ups before now and been hours late for pick ups with no apology, explanation or contact initiated by him.

Last weekend ds asked him if he was having him for the weekend as he wanted to go to the cinema Friday evening. Ex is supposed to have him from 6 on fri eve to 6 on Sunday. Most Fridays he doesn't make it and for years I have told ds he can't go out or have friends round on dads Friday despite him mostly not picking him up. So I told ds he could go last fri if his dad couldn't promise to pick him up on fri. Ds is 14 so arranged it with dad himself. Ex text me on fri eve and we arranged to meet at a town 12 miles from me at 11am next morning as I was going there anyway and it's nearer for ex (who moved 80 miles away and rents our old marital home in my town out).

At 11.30 he texts me to ask where I am, so I phone him thinking he's in the town and a few mins away albeit half an hr late. He hadn't even left home an hour and a half away. No apology. I told him I was now going to another town which is even nearer to him to see friends and then he says actually i don't think I'll bother coming as I'll see him on Boxing Day (which he asked me three times when it was!)

He told me this evening on the phone that he's not unreliable and he wants to see ds more! This from the man who has never taken ds on holiday and often will go months without seeing him. He has taken his new baby on holiday however.

Ds can't do homework whilst at dads as dad won't let him use his laptop and he has to sleep on the sofa despite there being a room there for his ex partners son who is at university, so ds could have a put you up or normal bed in there. Ex didn't pay maintenance for nearly eight years, not even bought him a toothbrush at his house....You get the gist here.

I've always bitten my tongue and considered myself to be the bigger person but I'm so fed up now. Hearing ex pretending he's a perfect dad when he is so far removed from it.

I live with my step daughter and have 3 other step kids so. I know what it takes to be a good parent and my dp and I work hard for all the kids. My ex has never even been to one parents evening.

I'm wondering by allowing my ex to carry on as he does that I'm teaching ds that dp and I are a pushover?

My ex has four grown up children, three of whom don't see him because as soon as they've tried to reason with him he just denies any wrong doing and cuts them off.

So I KNOW he will walk away from ds if I put my foot down with him and I know he will twist it and tell ds it's my fault.

I'm feeling particularly fed up at the moment but I normally tell myself to be the bigger person and try and not let it affect my life too much.

Any advice or similar tales?

[Hassled]

Your DS is 14 but yet you still seem to be doing a lot of the organisation/arrangements. And it's clearly (justifiably) winding you right up. So stop - let your DS make the calls, plan the pick-ups/drop offs. Do what you need to in terms of ferrying about, but stop being the organiser.

And then see what happens - it may actually work better, in that while Ex is happy to be a lying wanker with you, he may struggle to sustain the bullshit with his son. Or it may be that contact starts to fail, in which case your DS will see and know that the reason it failed is down to the Ex. It won't be easy for him, but then the current situation can't be easy for him.

[theredhen]

Yes you're right, the trouble is ex will leave things til the last minute and ds will go along with it. So say for example we arrange to go to family for Sunday lunch and then ex decides on Friday night (he never texts before Friday) to have ds for the weekend, then ds will naturally ask me, and if family or friends are expecting him, then I would think its rude for ds to agree to go to his dads. So effectively it's me saying no. If ds arranges to go out on Friday night it will be twisted to be my fault for allowing ds to go. If ds and I go out and ex turns up, it will be me being awkward and keeping ds from him. He will manage to make things my fault unless I continue to just let things lie.

Not to mention that dp and I can never plan anything for ourselves as we live in the middle of nowhere and ds can't get anywhere without us, so we don't know if we are going to be taxi at the weekend (if ds doesn't go to his dads) or if we are free to travel lots of miles away to go out for dinner etc.

So if I can have some strategies for making plans for myself and ds rather than feeling like I'm sitting around waiting for him to contact ds and feeling like he has even more control over our lives.

[theredhen]

If anyone has coping strategies for me, I'd appreciate it. Ds already feels sorry for his dad and if dad paints me as the baddie it will just make ds pity him even more.

[theredhen]

If anyone has coping strategies for me, I'd appreciate it. Ds already feels sorry for his dad and if dad paints me as the baddie it will just make ds pity him even more.

[ohcluttergotme]

I would do as hassled suggested & leave all the arranging between ex and ds. I have a 13 yr old dd and this works for me. She just lets me know what th plan is & I drive her or pick her up. If I already had plans for visiting I let her know & give her the choice of coming with me or going to her dads parents house as this is a plan we set up as her dad is a bit of an arse and I can't trust him to look after her properly. Quite often my dd chooses not to come with me to friends as she has her own plans. I would play your ex at his own game & let your ds have friends round on a Friday, I wouldn't put all my plans on hold. Your ex sounds a complete arse

[theredhen]

Thank you for the replies. Ds has never been fond of his dad, never wanted to go and now he's asking to go and basically siding with dad against me.

So obviously I'm quite keen to let him know exactly what his dad is like but won't just have a rant as I know that wont work.

I've never had much money from ex, he's self employed and as dodgy as you like, but I've never made a big deal of it. Do you think I should start asking him for more money and giving him receipts for all I'm spending on ds? He paid nothing for 8 yrs and now pays £20 a week.

Also I've always sent ds with a bag full of clothes, pjs, toothbrush etc. ex has never provided him with anything at his home (constant stream of girlfriends homes as he rents out our old marital home). Do you think I should stop doing this? Ex will go mad though and I fear ds will say I'm bring unreasonable.

[porridgelover]

You seem to have replaced/added to your fear of upsetting or enraging ex with fear of your DS.
It will serve you and DS better if you stand up for yourself. He (DS) may not call you unreasonable...end of. He wont get away with talking to teachers/friends/future partners like that, so best to put him on the right track now.

In your situation (and I have a similarly unreasonable ex who is unable to accept personal responsibility for anything) I would draw a line. Allow contact to be arranged by DS in advance. Do not change your plans to accomodate ex. If if things improve you may allow some flexibility to creep back in, but right now you need to draw a line for Ex.

As for money, why have you not involved CSA?

[porridgelover]

Oh and a phrase that has stuck in my head is ''children cleave to the more dysfunctional parent''.
That is to say, as they feel more insecure and fearful in their relationship with the abandoning parent, they will be more accommodating and seek approval more from that parent.
Very hurtful for the parent left washing, doing homework, teacher meetings etc.

Dont let him side with dad against you. Stand up for yourself....DS needs you to show him what is an acceptable way to treat an adult woman.

[MagicLlama]

I think you need to let DS do the organising with his dad. He needs to see that it is his dad that is last minute / unreliable.

Could you get a family wall planner and on there put your commitments so that your DS can see when you are / are not available to ferry him around to his father. If those times arent suitable then his father will have to pick him up.

WRT the last minute stuff and you thinking its rude for DS to agree to go to dads I agree, but again if its up on the planner then he can see hes not available to do something during that time.

[theredhen]

Thanks got the replies. I think I've got a rebellious teenager on my hands along with my useless ex and together they are managing to push lots of buttons.

Ex bought ds a cheap watch for Xmas among other things and ds showed it to me this evening and said "we need to get some links taken out when we next go out". I simply said it was a lovely watch and I'm sure his dad will sort his watch out for him when he sees him next as he would want to do it as its his present. Ds said "but dad said you could do it". I simply repeated that I'm sure dad would want to do it for him. He went quiet.

He also said he wants to see his dad next week (never asked before) and he said he would do his school revision there. Unlikely as his dad won't let him use a PC and he sleeps on the sofa and his dad doesn't let him sleep til 2am.

[theredhen]

Thanks got the replies. I think I've got a rebellious teenager on my hands along with my useless ex and together they are managing to push lots of buttons.

Ex bought ds a cheap watch for Xmas among other things and ds showed it to me this evening and said "we need to get some links taken out when we next go out". I simply said it was a lovely watch and I'm sure his dad will sort his watch out for him when he sees him next as he would want to do it as its his present. Ds said "but dad said you could do it". I simply repeated that I'm sure dad would want to do it for him. He went quiet.

He also said he wants to see his dad next week (never asked before) and he said he would do his school revision there. Unlikely as his dad won't let him use a PC and he sleeps on the sofa and his dad doesn't let him sleep til 2am.