Father wants to take our baby on holiday

(19 Posts)
Sue13032012 Fri 09-Nov-12 09:35:39

Hi

Can anyone give me some legal advice please. My daughter is 8 months old. Me and her father seperated as soon as she was born. Her father does have her overnight on Fridays and she sees him regularly which I'm pleased about. A month ago I went on holiday with our baby. I asked her father 1st and listened to his concerns. He said he was worried I would not be able to cope with both my children on holiday. I thought he might have a point so a paid for my mum to go also so she could help. He said she would get too hot so I agreed we would not leave our villa til the afternoon etc etc. He still said he didn't want her to go but I felt he was being unreasonable so we went. I made sure to video call him regularly so our baby could see her Dad. On our return her Dad told me that he and his family had also booked a holiday for next May. He did not ask me if I had any concerns and I feel it was done vindictively. I would love her to go on holiday with him but the problem is they are going with his sisters boyfriend who I feel to be a pedofile. Her boyfriend used to be her teacher when she was 16 and had a relationship with her at this age (he is MUCH older). 2 years ago he lost his teaching job and said it was down to "job cuts". He hasn't tried to get a teaching job again instead taking delivery jobs and other low paid employment. From someone who went to where he taught we heard that he had lost his job because there were many other instances of relationships with young girls and he was banned from teaching. This seems to fit as I rang the college and asked if there had been job cuts. They said no and it's fishy that he is no longer seeking work as a teacher. Me and my ex both agree that he is a very creepy character. My ex has agreed that he won't leave our daughter alone with him but when they are all staying in the se apartment anything could happen at night time. Is there anything I can do? Would a court take my worries into account if I agreed to a holiday just not with his sisters boyfriend.

RedHelenB Fri 09-Nov-12 12:53:27

It is up to her dad to ensure her welfare when she is with him & by what you have written it seems that he will.

VinegarTits Fri 09-Nov-12 13:04:14

YABU to label him a peodophile when you have no proof, if she met him at 16 then he has done nothing wrong, he may have got fedup of teaching and thats why he hasnt gone back to it

it also seems your ex shares your concerns about his creepiness so YABU to try and stop him taking her on holiday, and you still went ahead with yours even after he told you his concerns, sounds like you are looking for excuses to stop him and your using this poor guy as an excuse just for being a bit creepy YABVU

VinegarTits Fri 09-Nov-12 13:11:30

just realised this isnt in AIBU, but i still think you are, hth smile

NatashaBee Fri 09-Nov-12 14:09:26

He is your child's father and has as much right to take her on holiday as you to. I would concentrate on keeping things friendly with him, so that if you do have concerns at any point, you can discuss them in a reasonable manner. Throwing around accusations of his family members being 'pedofiles' is hardly going to make for a good parenting relationship. If you could substantiate your claims, then you'd probably have a good reason to prevent him taking your daughter on holiday - but all you are going on at the moment is instinct. So keep things civil with him, he is more likely to listen to your concerns and take action to prevent them spending time together.

Sue13032012 Sat 10-Nov-12 00:55:28

Actually having a relationship with your 16 year old student DOES mean he did something wrong. This is illegal if you are in a position such as a teacher until your pupil is 18 and even then most education establishments have a policy that this is not acceptable. I do not want to prevent him taking her on holiday. I would encourage it, just not with someone who we BOTH think is a pedofile. I'm sure you can all understand that my daughter is the most precious thing in my life. Anyone judging me should think how they would feel in my shoes. I do not want opinions, I was asking if anyone had an idea what a court would think.

RedHelenB Sat 10-Nov-12 07:23:02

A court would think as I wrote.

purpleroses Sat 10-Nov-12 09:07:34

I wouldn't have thought somone who's formed an inapproprite relationship with a 16 year old poses much risk to a toddler. Sounds like you and your ex both need to learn to trust each other a bit more.

cestlavielife Sat 10-Nov-12 09:38:21

First you should learn to smile and say yes yes at his suggestions to want you do with dd in your care and do the same for him. He can't control when you go out on holiday . Equally you have to trust him.

Someone getting together with a teenager is probably not that interested ina toddler? Realistically a sixteen year old can be quite mature has breasts developed etc while toddler does not you have no evidence he is a risk to small pre pubescent childre do you ?
But in any case, your ex has said he shares concerns and will look put for dd.

Go talk to a solicitor of you need to but I don't thnk you have much to gain from doing so. If you fine with one overnight a week then going on holiday next may is a logical step and you should not worry but trust him to keep her safe.

AmberLeaf Sat 10-Nov-12 09:39:26

He is her father and it sounds as though he will care for her properly.

However, he needs to back off from telling you what you can and cannot do with your child, I would not have my holiday dictated by my EX.

Are you not confident as a parent? or is that only when he is critical of your parenting?

It sounds as if you are giving him more respect as a parent than he is giving you

B1ueberryFields Sat 10-Nov-12 09:47:41

oh boy. I think you should say that he should start with a 48 hour holiday/weekend with her in England first, so that she can be used to it. What's the betting she starts saying mama with big eyes six hours into the thrip.

Is her father the same x who also thinks this guy is creepy? why does he want to go on holiday with his baby with a man who he himself thinks is creepy?
i admit in your shoes i would not like this and the fact that he was a teacher but now is not a teacher is something that would require an explanation.

I'm baffled that your x would want this holiday, but at least he ALSO has these concerns. And to be really really blunt here, if, IF, this guy is a paedo it sounds like his thing would be young teenagers. ykwim. So, you gotta hope they've split up in ten years time.

Pochemuchka Sat 10-Nov-12 09:51:43

I think that the paedophile thing is a red herring. I'd be more concerned that my 8 month old was going from only one overnight stay and some day time contact to a long period without me, overnight, abroad.

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to take her but she will need to be prepared first. Can he have her overnight a few more times a week first? See how that goes. Maybe have her for the weekend, with you on hand at the end of the phone if necessary.

Just out of interest is your other DC his and are they going too? If so, that might make the transition easier.

Sue13032012 Sat 10-Nov-12 11:04:43

Yes it is the same ex. He is my babies father and for the last few years we have both been very worried about his sister and her choice of boyfriend. There are other things but obviously it's hard to fit years of family history in 1 post. He is also concerned enough about this person to have sought advice about pedofiles and wether they could be interested in young babies. I don't know why he would want to go on holiday with him, in his defence I guess he wants to go away with his sister and parents and he is part of the deal. Although I do think they booked it to be vindictive as they did it while I was away. I am concerned that she will be away from her main carer for 2 weeks but don't want to be unreasonable, I had a holiday with her so I can see why he would want to. My confidence has been very low lately as when we split me and the children had no where to go and had to live in homeless accommodation. It's been a horrible year but I've managed to buy my own house and I'm getting my confidence back. My other son is to a different father who has never seen him and I know it upsets him so I am very eager to try and stay amicable so my ex can see his daughter as much as possible. I'm just so worried but I guess as people have posted above I just have to let go. It's just very hard. I would be worried about her going with a complete stranger let alone someone we both know to be a questionable character.

bekandboys Thu 15-Nov-12 22:07:13

Forgetting all the other stuff, I think it is fine to say no your 8 month old can't go away from her mum to another country for 2 weeks! If you are the main caregiver there is no way that any court would force you to agree to this until she is much older.

geologygirl Fri 23-Nov-12 02:03:33

sorry but an 8mth old baby should not be away from her mother for 2wks anyway. I understand she has a good bond with the father but she's probably going to feel very confused and upset when she realises you are not there...

He only has her overnight once a week - you are the person providing majority of the care. Maybe in another year, but she is too young IMO.

PoppyPrincess Sat 24-Nov-12 23:44:11

No way would I have let my baby be away from me for more than a night or two.
Yes he may be her father but the baby has no idea what is going on, she can't pick up the phone and speak to her, you can't explain and reason with her.
I take it this holiday is abroad? Just don't hand over her passport, simple.
It's not a god given right to be able to take your baby on holiday if you're not a resident parent. My son is 3 and I know he won't spend more than a day and a night away from me before he's asking me to go and pick him up. Children need their mummies, especially when they're used to being brought up by that one parent.

butterflybee Sun 25-Nov-12 09:44:22

I agree, that is a massive transition from 1 to 14 nights away, with no get out clause if your baby doesn't settle into it.

Also - are we really arguing the relative merits of different types of 'having sex with a minor'? A (much older) teacher having a sexual relationship with his 16 year old student is illegal in the UK as he was in a position of trust. You could ask to have this investigated to see if anything has been reported to the authorities, the same way they do with people who will be staying at a childminder's house. People seem to be assuming his preference is teens, possibly preteens as she mentioned other rumours, but this is just an assumption. We don't know if he is a risk or not, but that is a pretty horrendous situation to be wrong about.

confuddledDOTcom Sun 25-Nov-12 10:31:19

At the age you're talking about I hadn't let either of my first two have a night away, the youngest had two nights with her grandparents in the same hotel seeing me during the day - and she was still clingy when she saw me. I haven't let the eldest two stay out overnight until they were a lot older, again with the youngest things were different, I'm pregnant and suffering from an exhaustion I've not had before so the grandparents have been good about having the three girls over weekends and even the odd week but the youngest is 18 months now and they're local so still see me.

I know I'm talking about grandparents but even their dad didn't take them to see their brothers in a different city without me.

You don't know how she will handle being two weeks away from her mum, what if she spends the whole time in a panic and you have no way of getting to her or getting her back?

MagicLlama Sun 25-Nov-12 12:06:38

His sisters boyfriend is completely irrelevant at the moment.

However I doubt a court would agree with a jump from 1 night to 14, so from that point of view I would say that contact needs to be built up before he can take her away on a 2 week holiday.

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