Why must you crush them.....

[dillydally]

Ok,

So I have been really really nice to the ex (even though he makes sick, and as background I dumped him and no it wasnt to run off with anyone else). For example;

• he has been having double the contact time we agreed as I am nice
  
• when we go out as a family, I pay for him e.g. London Aquarium tickets, lunches etc (mainly because he is a tightwad and otherwise my DD would never see anything)
  
• I am moving closer to him so that DD contact visits are easier for her and she won't have so long to travel
  

and he goes and cuts his funding for her in half without telling me at all....

It seems the nicer I am (for my daughters sake) the more he takes me for a fool.
I loathe him and must stop being nice to him as he is an arse (Repeat as mantra)
It seems that being nice and friendly and acting like an adult for the sake of my beautiful DD just turns him into a F4J wanker.
Rant over, I turn up my whale music very very loudly.

[Loobie]

You know i can totally sympathise with you mines is the same.
After all he has done to me and the kids in the last 18mths he doesnt deserve the air i breathe but here i am again giving him another chance and trying to sort out his messed up contact with the kids,i even had to stop him seeing them for 9 months because he was so bad> But of course now im letting him back in he is getting wide and taking the complete and utter piss and i wander why i bloody well bother.

No real help but just letting you know its not just you !!

[7up]

im going through the same, my ex cut maintenance by 200 a month (he earns over £30,000)and hasnt seen my ds since before xmas but tells the courts that hes a desperate to see him and im the bitch, he hasnt even contacted me to see how ds is!hes a bloody twatt

praps if he thinks youve got money, if youre paying for tickets that are pricey, he might have cut it thinking your loaded. um duurr stupid bloke of course you arent. agree that we are too nice when it comes to giving them second chances, third chances etc etc etc

[nightowl]

dillydally,
dont pay for him. you can take dd to see many more things. she is not going to lose out. seems if you pay, he will let you. (i learnt this a long time ago). theres a line i think. i get on with my ds's dad 90% of the time, we split 7 years ago mutually, he's an ok man but fairly useless as a father. (not nasty, just childish) im happy to have him here, if im already cooking sunday dinner for instance, he's welcome to some but i wont put myself out for him. i still care about him dont get me wrong (in a father of my son way), i'd never harm him in any way but i dont take his cr*p either. theres no way i would ever give him money.

[arfissimeau]

Is he allowed to cut your funding? Was it CSA?

My DP has to pay an amount ordered by the CSA which is based on his income and the children's ages.

If it's a voluntary amount then find out how much he would have to pay you if ordered by the CSA.

[awayninahmanger]

Dilly I hope I can deal with my p with as much integrity as you when the time comes. Doing the right thing can be a real bummer. No, it's not just you, I haven't even physically left yet (pending house sale) and I've had a load of this ... send the whales downstream ninah x

[rickman]

Don't get me started. I can hardly be bothered to speak to my xp, it's just not worth the effort. He gets all the contact he wants but still can't be bothered to provide for them financially.

7up, you have shocked me by saying that your ex has cut your money by £200. If my ex did that it would leave me with £100 for 4 kids. As it is at the moment I'm worse off because I opted to go through the CSA to receive my payments and now instead of getting it in one go, they are splitting it up into 3 amounts. This is what sparked off my phone call to them this morning and my ranting thread on here today.

Sorry Dillydally, didn't mean to go off on one. Just stop being nice, be civil and polite but don't bother with the rest if he's going to take the piss.

[nutcracker]

I agree you need to stop being nice, in my experiance it doesn't work they just take the pee.

My Xp is giving me a grand total of £0 for our 3 kids. He keeps getting himself signed off sick from work and is planning on staying off sick forever so that he doesn't have to pay a penny.

At first when he left I offered a few times to pay the kids way so to speak if he took them out, i think I must have been a bit unstable because I wouldn't do it now.
The bloke can't even spend 50p ringing his kids so he can bugger off.

[7up]

rickman, my ex gives the excuse that he had huge court fees to pay! hes the one whos always said "court this, court that", really pisses me off. becoz ds has so many food intolerances and cant eat same food as us, i have to buy seperatly for him, ive been saving the receipts for the last month and it works out im spending £40 a week on a 17month old for food and nappies! good job he doesnt grow much coz i wouldnt be able to afford clothing for him!

like you ive contacted CSA in January when he reduced payments and havent heard a thing so my ex is bloody laughing. ive got a welfare officer visitng in April so il be showing her the receipts and let her decide if this is the actions of a caring father

[rickman]

Doesn't it get on your nerves? Really is pissing me off. All I get from exp is, get a life etc etc.

We must meet up soon!

[Bugsy2]

Dillydally, there is definitely no correlation whatsoever with you being nice & decent to them & them being nice & decent back again.
I was like this through my entire 11 yr relationship with ex-H and then through the break-up & divorce.
Now, I'm tough as nuts. Not in a nasty way. I have set really strict boundaries & he has to negotiate with me to cross them. It's a bit like toddler taming really. I cut him no slack whatsoever & you know what, for the first time this year - he sent flowers for mother's day. Ds is 6 - so that shows what shit I tolerated for 11 yrs.
As my counsellor says: who says that reasonable people get the best deal!!!
So go find your inner Gabrielle - & stop let him taking the piss!

[monkeytrousers]

Still be nice just stop paying. Then you still have some high ground - otherwise it'll turn into an arms race and DD will loose out.

[Nikkinoo]

Theres a CSA calculator that you can go on to just type in those words above and it will work out how much he should give you. My ex is brill wi kids but gives me 300 pcm for 2 kids and earns over 80k a year (he is self employed so he told me he can bulls what he earns.)

I am just happy to be away from him TBH and the CSA dont have the power/capabilities as seen by the numerous cock ups that occur.

But information is power and if you know what youre financially entitled to at least you can threaten him that you know where you stand.