JUST HAD MEETING WITH CAFCASS??!!

[7up]

just had 1st meeting with cafcass lady at her offices. she saw my ex first (ive never denied access but stopped it coz of v.abuse)then saw me and i felt that she was questioning me like i was in the wrong?!very upsetting experience, ok now ive had a cuppa!

what i wanted to know if anyone can help is that she wants to do a home visit to assess my parenting from what i can gatheri cant believe this as ive got 2 kids, 1 unhealthy 1, and they are happy kids so why the home visit?

[7up]

bump

[7up]

bump please!

[Mosschops30]

they dont want to check your parenting. The cafcass woman came out to my house just to speak to dd in her own surroundings really and probably to have a nose around (I noted she used the toilet on both visits).
I hated my cafcass officer, she was a horrible woman, but if you want my advice you should be sweetness and light to her because she will make a report to court and they do rely on them a lot.
HTH

[7up]

thanks mosschops, my ds only 17months so wont be questioning him. my solicitor said she'll ask me questions, feel it will be like an interview, wot on earth can she ask!

[Mosschops30]

she will probably try and tie up your story about the relationship with his side and then make a decision on that. I found it very intrusive and unnecessary at times, as I was heavily pregnant and she even came out 2 weeks after ds was born, thinking back I should have made a complaint about her forceful attitude. The first one I had was a diamond you might be lucky

[7up]

i didnt particularly like her mosschops to be honest, i got the impression that she'd read his statement, seen him first and already made an impression of me before id even seen her

my statement with all the relevant info wasnt prepared in time for her to read, i did show her parts out of the draft which i thought showed what he was like.

it really pissed me off that she said "he's a teacher, he must be ok with kids" my reply was "thats with teenagers, not a toddler and one teenager was moved from his class because he called her a whore". i know i have nothing to be concerned about as i am a good mum and i know that but its made me hate HIM even more for putting us through this. thanks

[7up]

anyone else any welfare visit experiences please. im thinking about it too much as had apt today, feel i need to know everything, i be ok in a few days when its not all so raw

[Freckle]

The cafcass officer's job is to present an unbiased report based on their contact with each parent. For any officer to have formed an impression before meeting a parent is very unprofessional. I suspect that you are being very sensitive (which is perfectly understandable) and reading a little too mcuh into the conversation. After all, if you haven't met this person, you are just as guilty of pre-judging them .

Deep breaths and just be yourself. You know you are a good mum, so let them see that.

[7up]

thanks freckle, i spose i was just shocked that they do a home visit when im the innocent one and the ex is the guilty one. she not coming till end of april so il try and forget about it and spring clean before her visit!

[chipkid]

Hi 7up, you probably feel under pressure because the law is firmly in favour of contact between children and the non-residential parent.
It is almost impossible to argue that a child should not see their father.
If contact proceedings have been issued I am assuming that there is currently no contact. You are the one that will be under pressure to promote some kind of contact-that is just the way it is in this type of family case.
I hope the following helps you to put your horrible day into perspective:

Cafcass officers almost always see the applicant first. It is normal practice.

They have to make it clear at an early stage that the Courts favour contact and thus have to talk in terms of re-establishing contact-this can feel like the matter is being pre-judged.

Cafcass officers always see the child-whatever the age, and like to do so in the child's home environment.

It is not up to Cafcass to make any determinations as to who is telling the truth-that is the sole function of the Judge.

My advice-donot complain-will not get you anywhere. Co-operate with the enquiry-you won't help yourself by being defensive

hth

[7up]

thanks chipkid,thats really helpful. i havent denied access, its just HE wants to go through the courts every time theres an argument. its so frustrating!i can see this going on through courts till ds is 18!ive actually offered contact in the statement and through sols letter 4 weeks ago and he hasnt replied to it!mmmm realy keen aint he. anyway thanks very much

[chipkid]

what an a**e!!

even more important to keep your cool, act reasonable and make him look like the unreasonable sod that he is.
best of luck!

[7up]

thanks chipkid, agree, hes an a**e!

[Chandra]

Oh 7up, sorry you are going through this :(, you are a lovely person and I'm sure that in your own surroundings you will show your true self much better than when you have just seen your conflictive ex.

I have not experience on things like this, but I assume that the principles for any argument apply as well:

-Always keep your cool, it's OK to cry but never show you are angry, the one that gets angry is the one that looses the battle.

-He may have said bad things about you, but see the home visit as a second oportunity to show yourself in a better light.

• When you describe the issue, don't use adjectives, or sujective comments, just try to establish the facts in the best possible way. What you said about him not being OK with small children or even their students is a perfectly valid point, if you mention that in a calm and objective manner, it becomes 200% more efective for your cause. Prepare your arguments well, even if that means staying awake all night or god forbid, taking holidays from Mumsnet.
  

• In terms of contact with his child, I think that abusive behaviour is enough to stop it (but you have to present examples/evidence of why you got to the point of stoping contact, they don't know what's really going on so, be clear and explain to them why you couldn't take it anymore.
  

If you are bothered by him wanting to take things to the court all the time, tell them, if that is distracting you from the care your DS needs they may be able to do something about it., you may add to the point that your DS is very allergic and needs special care to be taken that can not be taken lightly.

Best of luck 7up, remember to think of it as a good oportunity to show yourself at your best, not as if they were judging you, so chin up and do your best, you know you can do it! :)

[Caligula]

Also, phone Women's Aid and see if you can get them to send you some info about the negative effects on children of contact with abusive parents. Incredible though it may seem, she's probably blissfully unaware that there actually is a negative effect. Present the information calmly as part of the reasoning behind your reservations.

[7up]

thanks chandra, i think she wants to see for herself how demanding ds is with the food allergies but how she can see that in one visit, i dont knowas you know yourself you have to live with it dont you to fully appreciate how hard it is. i have written a full health report myself to go with the statement as his father doesnt take it seriously, he thinks i use it to delay contact!

thanks also caligula, i was v.calm today and told the lady that i found it all v.depressing as hes always "court this, court that", i even cried 3 times!i havent cried for months. i feel better now ive had advice from all your lovely ladies.

my mother was dubious about mumsnet when i first joined, but when we she picked me up from apt today one of the first things she said was, you'll have to go on your chat room!

[Chandra]

Is not that difficult to explain 7up, when we say we cook everything from scratch, all people tell us "Oh we do that as well" until we say that we can not even use stock cubes, forget about tins of vegetables or ready made add ons like sauces, etc. Ask her to mention any thing and you can say why he can't have it. People can't really imagine the extent of the problem, and someway believe that food comes in a chemical pure form (as thinking that chips are just potatoes fried on oil, ha ha... )