alcoholic/ drug addict father

[hazel0]

my ds's bio father is an alcoholic and a drug addict
He's now demanded a dna test, but what good can he possibly bring to my ds's life?
...surely I shouldn't agree to it, or should I?
ds is 2 now and has yet to meet him, were doing fine.

[Piffle]

Demanded it from you?
You are (as far as I am aware) undr no legal obligation to prove his paternity.
Is he paying CSA? Is he on the birth cerificate?

[Nightynight]

I would do everything legal to keep him away, and no guilt, if he is an alcoholic and drug addict. He needs to sort himself out first. Your ds has the right to grow up without getting any alcohol or drug-related fallout.

[hazel0]

he's not on the birth certificate/ paying the CSA.
Interesting replies though, my heart agrees with you completely, but I worry that in the future ds may blame me for him not knowing his dad ( even though he IS a complete waster)
Father also lives locally and has other children approx same age as ds, may well end up in same schools etc.

[WideWebWitch]

If he's not paying anything isn't on the birth cert and doesn't see him then wtf is it to him? You are sure, right? (sorry but worth asking!) If so I can see the purpose this would serve. Tell him to bog off. Well, that's what I'd do anyway. Tbh your son is better off not knowing this man while he's still addicted/using imo.

[WideWebWitch]

CAN'T see the purpose this would serve that should have read, gah!

[Nightynight]

oh, I can see your dilemma hazel. Id cut my child off from a drug/alcohol dependent father, but would feel a bit guilty about denying him the chance to know his brothers and sisters, especially if they go to the same school. Also, what if other children know they are related to him, and tell him?

can sympathise with your worrying that your ds may blame you. But when he is a mature adult, and knows the harm that drugs and alcohol can do to people, surely he will understand your reasons for keeping his dad away, to protect both of you.

[hazel0]

I agree that ds would be better off without this idiot in his life, but worry that in the future he'll want to find his dad but the father will deny paternity.
Wouldn't it be better to get all the tests over and done with now while he's too young to know what's going on?
Any ideas about what rights the father will have once the results are back?
Will I be able to stop access if he's still on the drugs/ booze ( and will social services have to get involved? Don't want this at all)

[NomDePlume]

tbh, I move areas if I could. I wouldn't go with the paternity test, doesn't sound like he is any position to contribute anything (either emotional or financial) to his son's life.

[lucy5]

It's a difficult one. A litle boy in my brothers class was in this situation. Everyone knew he was realted to someone else except him and it was only a matter of time before it came out. On the other hand is this the lesser of 2 evils if xp will bring nothing positive into your childs life.

[hazel0]

He's so spaced out most of the time that I don't think he'll bother with contact, or if he does then I doubt it'll last.
...saying that, surely if he wants to see ds regularly, then he must be supervised.
....never thought I'd find myself in this situation. Wish I could see into the future. Help!!!

[desperateSCOUSEwife]

If he wants the dna test done i would let him
I would also tell your little one who his dad is etc (rather than someone else do this)
and then put every obstacle in the way you possibly can so he cannot gain unsupervised access.
good luck and hugs
xxx

[Blu]

I agree with DesparateScouseWife.
Yes, it is important that he doesn't have unsupervised access, but knowing who their father is is still a source of security to a child, and doesn't he have a right to know?
I know a girl whose dad is now in prison due to drugs - but she still has love for him, even though she is pained by what has happened. The 'lesson' over what has happened to her Dad is much stronger than any disaffection caused by not knowing, imo.
In terms of biological connection to a child, isn't there a level of 'for better, for worse'? The connection exists whether or not it grows into a relationship. What is to be gained by denial?

[Caligula]

I wouldn't agree to a DNA test. He can add nothing to your DS's life at the moment (although he may be able to when your DS is older) and it's another stage along a route of forcing you to allow him sole contact. IMO that's a situation to be avoided at all costs, because amazing though it may seem to many people, courts are still happy for drug and drink-abusing fathers to have sole contact with even quite young children and I personally wouldn't want my child to be in the care of someone incapable, until they're old enough to look after themselves.

If he wants a DNA test, let him take you to court for it. Then he can take you to court for contact. By the time he's got it, your DS may be old enough not to be physically in danger as and when contact occurs.

[HappyMumof2]

I wouldn't give him the dna test, but I would tell your ds when he is older (school age) who his dad is and that he has half siblings.

My ex and I recently told ds (6) that he has half siblings and he was completely un fazed by it, more of an issue for me than it was for him!