Dealing with that trapped feeling - and does working help?

[bourneville]

I?m a lone parent. My dd is 2.6 so I?m full time looking after her. My dd?s dad lives abroad so we never see him (are in good contact though) ? (reason I?m telling you this is because I know a lot of single mums have a break when dad has contact.) I am very, very lucky in that I have a good group of friends who are willing to babysit, and my parents are a bus ride away and also willing to babysit. I also have a boyf, which is fantastic although of course it does present complications of its own.

Most of the time I am fine, fairly content although constantly tired of course! , I enjoy my time with dd, I enjoy my evenings to myself and my relationship with my boyf is going great.
But sometimes I just can?t get my head around the fact that if I want to do anything for myself, I have to arrange for someone to babysit (and I suffer from terrible guilt about it). When I start thinking like that, I feel so trapped with nowhere to turn and of course this is going to be for years to come! No weekends or holidays to look forward to (for myself I mean).

I?m sure loads of you out there feel the same way and are also in harder situations than me but just wondering, how do you deal with that trapped feeling? ?do you ever get used to it? And does going to work help? I am considering going to work part time, though I was going to wait until dd has her free nursery place. Does it help by giving you a break from children or does it just make life more complicated esp re child care/money etc? And perhaps you feel just as trapped cos after all you HAVE to go to work it?s not like you?re doing your own thing! Plus if I ended up with a job I hated I would be so miserable knowing that I could have been continuing to spend that time with dd! Would appreciate all your experiences/thoughts.

[jco]

Hi bourneville, I am a single mum of two kids age 5 and 7. My ex husband doesn't really have any contact with them through his own choice, so I don't really get a break. I have been on my own since my youngest was 3 months.

i too have felt trapped, i love my children dearly but there have been times when i have felt lonely, depressed, even resentful. I don't have much family support but i do have a couple of friends that i could rely on if i was desperate.

Things have slowly got easier for me though hun, my youngest started school in september and its been brilliant to have some time to myself. I mostly do all the boring domestic stuff but sometimes when i am feeling naughty i spend the day snuggled up on the couch watching tv.

Funny thing is i missed my kids so much when they are at school all day i think i appreciate them more when they are at home.

[jco]

just wanted to add that as your ds is 2.6 it won't be that long before he can go to nursery for a few hours a day, you'll find just having those couple of hours will make all the difference to you,

[bourneville]

Do you work at all jco?
If I don't go back to work once dd is at nursery, I would start feeling like I was "sponging off the state" and I know there are people out there who probably already think I am (single parents being lowest of the low in society & all that). Up till now I've had no problem justifying my choices, I am doing what i think is the absolute best for dd, but now she's getting to an age where she'd actually benefit from time away from me and with other influences etc, i'm finding it harder to justify to myself not working, other than wanting passionately to be there to settle dd into nursery and then into school (esp as i myself had a nightmare time starting school! ) I read an article actually prob in the Guardian about how kids actually need us around more the older they get, cos of new pressures etc from school and all that but that's digressing...

What do you think? btw I'm not being judgmental myself AT ALL in case it comes across that way, it's society's judgments i'm talking about. Ideally I would want to be off work till she's well settled at school. But I think I will go mad if i don't work for that long, plus i think i'd like her in nursery before 3yo (esp as she might not even get a free place this sept).

[jco]

I do work part-time, i was very lucky to get a job at my childrens school, i work two afternoons a week helping out in the classrooms. I've only been doing this since my youngest started school last september. but because i only work a few hours i am still on some benefits.

I totally understand what you are saying about some peoples perceptions of single mothers on benefits. I do still worry that people will have a certain view of me. At the moment though i'm happy to stay as i am because i want to be there for my kids. I went to a school assembley the other day where my ds was singing a song with his class, he was so proud because i was there watching him. Quite a few of the other children didn't have their mum there and i felt quite sorry for them. Also every tuesday morning they do shared reading at school, this is where the parents come in for half an hour and read with their child, Again there are few parents there, my son loves me coming in and i do feel sorry for the children who have to sit alone and read because their mummy couldn't come because she was working.

I wouldn't miss these early years for anything. Before I know it they'll be teenagers and won't want to be seen dead with their mum so I'm making the most of the time i have with them at the moment because i know i'll have time in the future to concentrate on me and my career.

Having said all that, It is very isolating, I do sometimes feel that my live is soley about looking after the kids. I do get desperatley tired and bored of the same old routine every day but at the moment i don't see any way around it

[bourneville]

That sounds so great jco, even more reason for me to continue as I am . What was your career? Was it related to your job now and if not did you need any training or anything to do it? I've considered working in schools either office based or classroom based because of the child friendly hours/holidays etc...

[beejay]

Hi bourneville just wanted to say that I work full time (previously part-time) and I think it is partly what has kept me sane over the last few years as a single mother! I guess it depends what you do but I am lucky enough to love my job (well most days anyway) and really enjoy getting out of the house and mixing in an adult enviornment. Of course life is more complicated when you are juggling work needs/child care etc
But it is interesting and for me it's the best of both worlds
Anyway good luck with whatever you decide