Expat friendships

[MrsSchadenfreude]

We lived in Belgium for 5 years and I got to know a good crowd of expats - various nationalities, and thought I would stay in touch with most of them when we left.

Our next door neighbours, with whom we got on brilliantly, have not been in contact at all since we left. (They have moved to UK and live not too far from us.)

Another friend, who looked after my 2 DDs on our last day there, and whom I had known for 5 years, handed me a leaving present and said "Don't expect me to keep in touch, I never do." Which was honest.

A couple of friends e-mail most days and we chat on the phone. But most of them just don't seem to want to know. Is this how most expat friendships go?

[mamama]

We have had a few fairly close relationships with other expats who have then moved on and, although we spent a lot of time together and had a lot in common, once people move away, then tend not to keep in touch. I am in contact with my old friends from the UK, my new friends here but only a couple of other expats.

I think with most people, we were friends through circumstance rather than anything else, if that makes sense.

[Earlybird]

Someone recently told me to expect this when you change schools too. While you're all in the 'same boat', there is a great deal of companionship and emotional intimacy based on shared experiences. But, when someone leaves, special effort must be made to keep in touch (rather than paths crossing naturally), and many once strong friendships gradually fade and/or simply don't sustain themselves.

Sorry you're going through it, but hope it's some consolation to know that what you're going through is probably typical.

[Kameko043]

We've experienced similar.

[bran]

I find that happens quite a bit, but I'm quite comfortable with it. It might even be a good thing because if you have your primary friends in a distant location it might delay settling in in the new location.

I still like all the friends I made in various locations as much as I ever did, it's just that I live my life in the present and they're not around. On occasions when I meet them again it's lovely to see them, and we chat away as though it's only been days since we last met, but I don't keep in regular touch with many of them.

[Budababe]

Agree with bran. Having moved 4 times now I have made really good friends in each location and then there are the friends I made in various jobs I have had.

You can't realistically keep up with everyone. (Hence roundrobin letters at Xmas!!!)

But I do find that the really good friends understand this. They feel the same. And when we do get to meet up again we just carry on as if we had seen each other the day before. Sign of a good friendship in my view.

Co-incidentally when we lived in Vietnam I was fairly friendly with an Australian girl - there was a group of about 8 of us who were quite friendly. We were PG together - me on first, her on no.3). We left to move to Bulgaria, they stayed in Vietnam. No regular contact. A year later they ended up in Europe and we met up once. Still not in regular contact. Then they ended up moving here about 18 months ago. Her youngest is my DS's best friend. They live up the road. Because of the previous friendship they are like family here now. But guess what? They are leaving in 3 weeks to move back to Asia. Am totally gutted. THAT is the part of expat friendships I hate.

[Caribbeanqueen]

Agree with bran.

Expat communities are by their nature transitory and that includes a lot of friendships.

[suedonim]

I don't think it's just expat communities, tbh. We've moved a number of times in the UK, as well as abroad, and I find it a source of amazement who keeps in touch and who doesn't. Sometimes it's the ones you've been closest to who disappear into the wide blue yonder while others with whom you're not ultra-friendly make the effort to keep in touch.

[LIZS]

Think the others are right , that is just the way of things I'm afraid, friendship becomes transient with distance and we all move on . I email regularly 2 friends in particular who are still over there and will be for the forseeable, a number of others I hear of from time to time. Two families now in UK, one of whom moved back ahead of us , the other just after, we see every couple of months and phone/email in the meantime. Think the problem is that what you had in common/needed in terms of friendship and support was so important at the time but almost unreal that once you cease to be part of the same world you lose that bond.