when one doesnt want to stay- what do you do?

[skinnysoyvanillalatte]

Has anyone had the problem? What did you do?
We have been in Australia for about 16 months and DH wants to go back, the rest of us want to stay.
Any advice welcome!

[MrTumblesBavarianFanbase]

The usual advice seems to be to agree a time limit to keep trying for, and agree to set wheels in motion for going back at that point if still necessary.

16 months is probably quite a common low point - adrenaline and novelty over, idea its for ever and not the promised land hits home... I'd say set 24 or (better) 36 months as the review point, promising to go back if at that point he is still unhappy - but in return he has to promise to give it his best shot til then.

That's if you want to stay together of course, and there aren't other relationship problems underlying the relatively "simple" matter of location.

[skinnysoyvanillalatte]

No, all fine otherwise. He just feels life would be easier in UK and has been fighting me all the way re selling our property there. We havent had any honeymoon period at all. Its been hard from day one but I can see this is a much better place for my DS and am happy being here.
Thanks :)

[purpleapple1234]

Hi there! Sorry to hear that your husband is not happy. I can't offer any suggestions other than waiting. Me and DH come from different countries. I met him in his country (Sweden) and he wanted to move back to the UK with me, while I didn't and wanted to settle in sweden! After 4 years in the UK we agreed to move back to sweden, but will be moving again (to Australia).

As I say absolutely no advice as it is an issue that we obviously have never resolved and jump around as way of avoiding it. But with children I guess that is not possible for you and will be a proper issue for us as DD gets older.

Out of interest (nosyness!) how has it been hard settling in Australia?

[skinnysoyvanillalatte]

It has been hard for him to let go and hard re work, accomodation and finance. This is mainly due to his reluctance to sell our UK home.

[skinnysoyvanillalatte]

Problems with finance and accommodation are down to him being reluctant to sell our UK property is actually what I said. If we sold the house, we would be able to buy a nice place. Currently we are in a flat that he hates.

[skinnysoyvanillalatte]

renting a flat, that is. He has a big problem with us renting.

[AmericasTorturedBrow]

Don't know. You could do what we're doing and procrastinate the decision by planning an extended trip around South America in 2.5yrs in the hope you'll have come to a natural conclusion about where to live after without actually talking about it?

Or not.

[skinnysoyvanillalatte]

It certainly is a hard one. I would love to hear if anyone has managed to work around a similar problem. I dont want him to be unhappy but, if we go back, then I and DS will be unhappy. No one wins:(

[chloeb2002]

We found it took about 5 years to feel established. Now 7 years on definitely established. Some days where I just think why bother? But they are very rare.

[scottswede]

There is no easy answer to this dilemma I think. Unfortunately it happens too often with couples trying to find mutual ground on where to live. You only have to look through the threads on this board to see how 'common' it is sadly.
The only thing I can suggest is to try and change something/anything where you are now. Changing where you live would be a good start.
Are you renting your UK house out? Can he be persuaded to sell? ( Freeing up money to help with better accommodation in Oz)
Maybe the thought of 'giving up' everything in the UK is too much for him.
Unfortunately you can't make him want to be there if he is determined 'not' to like it though.
I agree with the time arrangement. We said 5 years. It's been over 4 now and it has taken that long for me to stop hating it here ( dh's country).
I committed to the 5 years and changed things where I could to make it easier, mainly so I could walk away without any doubts that I had given it my all.
I don't know if we will move now, but you couldn't have paid me enough to stay even this time last year.
16 months isn't a long time, just be gentle and persuasive with him and he may come round.
Good luck

[AmericasTorturedBrow]

I think a time limit is a good idea too. And don't force the issue of selling in the UK - I'm relatively happy here (DH never wants to leave) but there is no way I am selling our small flat in London, I can cut those ties with home even though if we do move back it won't even be to that flat!

[skinnysoyvanillalatte]

Thanks :)

I dont want to sell the property there either but in order to move on, we will have to eventually. He is obsessed with renting here whilst we own there. We can also not find anywhere nice here while maintaining the place there.
Im not bothered where we live but he wants the big lifestyle property thing here....such a mess.

[lauranorder50]

I relocated from Britain to the southern hemisphere with my husband in 2011. He's British born but has lived here since emigrating with his parents at the age of four back in the 60's.

We met & married in Britain over 20 years ago. I wasn't interested in living overseas. Well, let's just say we're here now.

There was no honeymoon period for me on our arrival. It's been as disappointing as I was expecting since we arrived. I pretty much had the measure of New Zealand during several duty visit holidays in the past with my husband.

After we got here I moped around for a few months, not helped by being out of work for a year, despite doing my damndest to find a job. My husband found work so we could at least get by. I've only been able to get temporary jobs, no one wants to employ me permanently. I'm fed up with this. My husband is well aware of the situation. I do voluntary work so I can at least feel useful when I'm between temporary roles.

I said initially it was forever because I didn't have the courage to say can we just try it for a few years and see how we go.

In less than 18 months we will have been here for five years. It's looking likely that we will return to Britain at that time.

We sold our house and own our house here. We do not have children.

I've stopped hating it. Stopped hating living here. However, there's not long to go now. To bad as my heart is in our house and I kinda like the coastal town we're living in.

You haven't been in Aus that long. Who's idea was it to go ? Is your husband happy at work ? Did you emigrate on the strength of a job offer ?

I don't understand why your husband wants to live in lovely large property but will not sell your house in Britain.

Will there be disappointment and recriminations if you return to Britain ?