My wonderful Dad has been diagnosed with cancer, please help.

[LastNightADJSavedMyLife]

As above, DF has been told he has lung cancer with secondaries in liver and spine.

We are fortunate it has been picked up as it was found on a routine scan.

I don't know what to do

He is my world, and my DM is so distressed. They have been married 50 years and I don't know what to do for the best.

Please please can anyone who has been through this tell me how I can support them? He must be so scared. I think he is in denial at the moment.
DM isn't now thankfully. Well I say thankfully, I don't know if that's good or bad.

I have told them not to worry about anything but each other me and my siblings will look after everything else. What I want to do is wrap them both up and take them away from it all.

He's only just 70. God what do I do? Any pointers would be very appreciated x

[pud1]

hi. my DM is going through the same. stage 4 lung and bone cancer. I have no advice as I am wading through it all myself but I just wanted to say hi

[newyear15]

I went through the same with my Mum last year. All I can say is look after yourself as much as them.

Has he been given a prognosis?

[LastNightADJSavedMyLife]

Hi pud, thanks for saying hello.

Thank you newyear, no he will find that out next week. He has to have a camera for them to find out what type of cancer it is.

He is talking about having years left , I so hope he's right. Someone has to beat the odds.

I have a lovely DH who sadly lost his DM and is an absolute rock. But obviously he can't make it go away.

I am trying not to cry in front of them, but that's as far as my tactics go.

Can I ask what you found helped you deal with everything NewYear? A pretty silly question I know but I just want any help or guidance at all really x

[whatisforteamum]

Hi OP you will be in shock at the moment.Some of how you handle things will be down to your Df s take on it all and what treatment they will offer.
When DM was diagnosed she was v strong but did acknowledge her fears as she was told to get her affairs in order at 64.
When Dad was diagnosed they joked about having chemo at the same time however Dad preffered to think he would get ages despite being told it was incurable.
Look after yourself,join us on Macmillan s website where you can get specific lung cancer support.DM and DF have had yrs although DF has a fight on his hands again.

[newyear15]

My friends were what helped me above all. The caring and support from others was invaluable. And also just doing what I could for my parents. They had just reached 50 years just before diagnosis. Little care parcels, lots of emails. But above all be good to yourself. You will have days of happy, sad, rage and all emotions in between. You will feel what you feel.

I would say don't try not to cry in front of them - a good weep and a cuddle works wonders for you all.

As my Dad kept saying - just keep buggering on. It is the only way.

Oh and use Macmillan nurses and any other support hospital recommend. Take as much help as you can - all of you. There is no pride in running yourself ragged when help is there just for the taking x

[LastNightADJSavedMyLife]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply, it really helps

I feel wicked saying this but I'm not sure he has long. He is very sleepy and hasn't been "dad" for a while really. He has also lost a lot of weight, and he seems, I don't know, not as sharp as he once was.

Still my lovely lovely dad though of course.

The doctors said to continue as normal, which my DM is trying to do, but dad just doesn't have the energy at the moment. Perhaps the treatment will help with that.

I have a friend going through similar with her DF but they have a very difficult relationship. I was thinking last night that at least I don't have to worry about any conflicting feelings. I love him and that's that.

[PingPongBat]

Hi LastNight - sending to you. Of course he's still your lovely lovely Dad, I know exactly what you mean. My DM is still my wonderful DM underneath her frailties, anxieties & pain.

When we found out about my DM's diagnosis DF & I had a hug and a good cry. I haven't cried in front of DM because I don't want to upset her though. We all had a bit of a moment with the MacMillan nurse the other day, which was awful but comforting at the same time, a sort of silent acknowledgement that we are all going through lots of different emotions.

Make sure he gets a referral for MacMillan as soon as possible. We are just getting to that stage & we now have a single point of contact in the community for DM's pain control, emotional support, help with physical aids around the house etc. Have you got a friend who you can talk to over coffee or something stronger? Make sure you set aside time for yourself, to try and offset the sad times with your DF.

And keep posting on MN. Loads of support & sympathy here when you need to have a rant or a rage.

newyear15 my DF said the exactly same thing to me, that he has to "just keep buggering on" - that made me

[LastNightADJSavedMyLife]

I just want to take it all away for him He has got morphine now for the pain in his back so fingers crossed that works for him.

Its so so shit isn't it. Thank you for sharing

My siblings seem to think he has a while left, I don't and I don't think my DM does but we have agreed to be positive for him. We should find out what treatment he needs next week, DH says one step at a time.

[newyear15]

I think you veer from being realistic to being in complete and utter denial.

One step at a time is good advice. That is all you can do isn't it.

Look after yourself x

[LastNightADJSavedMyLife]

Yes you do newyear you are right. Had a bit of good news, the morphine has worked yay so he is pain free for the first time in ages.

Small victories.

[newyear15]

Oh that is very good news. I bet it is a huge relief to him - and you all.

[whatisforteamum]

glad your Df is painfree lastnight .x

[LastNightADJSavedMyLife]

Bless you both thank you x

Think he may need something stronger but have looked it up and there is a whole world of opium for him to try out so am just relieved we can still do something for him. Try and ease at least the physical pain.

I want to get hold of a Macmillan nurse sooner rather than later, will talk to DM and see what she wants to do.

Thanks again x

[wigglesrock]

Oh pet, my lovely dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer in November, he's had surgery and just started chemo, as yet no secondaries but he has bowel cancer in his family - not with good outcomes. He was so very very tired for months (he's 65). I think we've got through the last two months running completely on empty, the diagnosis, the shock, the surgery, the worry, the delight in getting him home, then the realisation of not knowing what the next results might hold.

I'm glad you're Dad has had some relief from the pain, it's such a hard time. At the minute I'm not sure if I'm more worried about my Dad or my Mum (they've been married for over 40 years).

[LastNightADJSavedMyLife]

Hey Wiggles, cool name

Feeling loads more positive, since he has got the pain under control he is eating properly and chatting again. He seemed to be fading last week but looks much more like his normal self now. I feel rather guilty for writing him off . I am definitely irritating him more now which is always a good sign!

He has his biopsy tomorrow, so we will know what we are dealing with. He has also agreed to take part in any relevant clinical trials if his doc thinks that's the way to go.

I am also worried about DM, she is getting herself into a routine and is spending time with the GC which she loves. But as she said, this will never go away and it's horrible isn't it to think that this is "normal". I am, of course, still praying that he'll beat the odds. As we all are.

[ajandjjmum]

Sending good wishes for the biopsy tomorrow - tough times - take care of yourself. My first

[HotLipsHoulihan]

This is the hardest bit - honestly!

My dad is almost 70 and was diagnosed with advanced kidney cancer four years ago. It's spread to his liver, lymph nodes, lungs, adrenal glands and more ...

Guess what? He's still here. Actually he's currently out shopping with my mother and they're going away on holiday this weekend. He's had no treatment really because there isn't any. He was given a prognosis... He's passed it. He feels fit and well in the main.

So yes he's terminally ill. But he's ok and we've adjusted to a new normal. You will too. But please try not to worry unduly until you know what you're dealing with in terms of care / treatment.

[CyclopsBee]

Hi OP, really sorry to hear about your dad,
This time last year my dear dad was diagnosed with throat cancer. He was told at first that it was 'nodules' on the throat and would have laser treatment,but unfortunately they found cancer.
He had a gruelling 8 weeks of daily radiotherapy, we were all worried sick and went through some tough days, dad couldn't eat and lost loads of weight. Today, he is recovered, has put on weight and can eat more or less normally, he is 70,
At his diagnosis we were assigned a Macmillan nurse who was fantastic, any of us could phone her for whatever reason at any time.
Take each day at a time, be there for one another and if you can, go to some appointments with your parents, mine found the travelling hard and understanding what the drs said. I felt better if I was there to hear what was said.
you have my sympathies.

[CyclopsBee]

And hotlips is right! you will feel much better once the treatment starts. Waiting is the worst
And medical treatment is amazing these days, don't trust Dr Google!

[dancingwitch]

FIL was given pretty much the same diagnosis four months ago. In the initial panic when we found out one day it was suspected he had lung cancer, two days later that he did & possibly liver two & two days later that he had liver & lymph & somewhere else too, what calmed us down slightly was a medical friend pointing out that he was no more ill than the previous week, it just had a name now and that, having found out as we had over a course of a week that it was in A, B & C did not mean that, by the end of the following week, it was also going to be in X, Y & Z too.
FIL has never asked for a prognosis but has decided to live from one appt to another. I think that this may have meant that they were in denial for longer than they might otherwise have been and we have had to indulge them in some conversations about moving house etc which is never going to happen. It also meant he didn't consider not having chemo but having chemo had turned out to be the right decision for him as he hasn't suffered from too many side effects & it does seem to have worked well.
Getting used to living it with it is odd. At first, all plans were "subject to how PIL is" (not just plans to see them by plans with other people which we thought might have to be cancelled at the last minute). Now most people know so that is just accepted. When we see PIL we do less strenuous things, build in nap times for FIL & take a lot more photos!
At the moment, I feel as though we are in a lull but don't want to relax as we are all aware that he may go downhill very quickly. As yet, we haven't spoken to him about where he would like to spend his final days, what sort of funeral he wants etc but we do need to do that whilst we have the chance. We are also using the time to gently introduce the preschool DC to the concept of death.
Do realise that your parents probably won't "hear" everything they are being told, whether due to shock or not wanting to know. They will also not ask the same questions as you have. This can be incredibly frustrating but don't take your frustration out on them, ring Macmillan instead. However, if you realise your dad is being given conflicting information, do step in.
It is a hideous thing to find out and your world will be completely topsy turvy. I don't cry much & this is my FIL rather than father but I was bursting into tears all over the place in the early days... the biscuit aisle in the supermarket as I passed his favourite biscuits for example!

[LastNightADJSavedMyLife]

Thank you for your thoughts and good wishes, it means so much.

The biopsy went well and the results will be back in 2/3 weeks. The hospital is a cancer centre which is reassuring and they will do lots of tests to get the targeted treatment as good as possible.

He is naturally having good and bad days. I keep bursting in to tears quite randomly and then it stops suddenly. The DC think I'm crackers. We have an 8 month old DS who is a good tonic for his Grandad, the DD's are bigger and a bit more tiring but they do like giving him hugs which is nice.

I keep thinking that it is pure chance they found it when they did, so he could still be wandering around with no clue and therefore no treatment.

to everyone who has sadly had this awful disease in their lives

[wigglesrock]

I'm glad the biopsy went well. The week my Dad had his surgery I cried in Tesco at the DVD rack - don't ask (my Dad took us to the pictures when we were kids ), I cried in front of my youngest nursery school teacher when she asked if I'd everything in for Christmas and I cried when I head Boney M on the radio. My Dad is not known for his musical tastes!

I really hope your Dad gets a positive prognosis and a clear treatment path. Wishing you all the best.

[WhenMarnieWasThere]

Thinking of you and your poorly dads.

Mine has just been diagnosed with a rare for of cancer (SCC) in his bladder. We were suspecting bad news when they told us a biopsy had been taken, but not that it would be rare and something that the local hospital didn't deal with.
He's been referred and we are waiting for his next appointment now.

[LastNightADJSavedMyLife]

Hi Marnie sorry to hear your bad news.

I know my dad is really struggling with the waiting, it's such a terrible time. I am definitely veering from a gung ho of course he can beat it, to he'll be lucky to last the month. He is being very strong with me and my brothers, but he has been getting very upset with my DM.

We are trying to keep him active and doing small jobs, and my brothers are watching the rugby with him, and I've got him some audio books for when he is resting.

Fingers crossed your dad has a good prognosis after his next apt

[CyclopsBee]

The waiting is awful, we waited 2 weeks for a diagnosis but we all knew deep down it was bad news as they didn't do the original OP,
I remember dad coming to my house with a letter saying he needed a CT scan, he was shaking like a leaf, it's so hard. You automatically fear the worst,
to you all