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Why am I so angry?

(6 Posts)
zookeeper Thu 20-Mar-14 05:50:24

My lovely lovely mum was diagnosed with lung cancer a couple of months ago. The prognosis is uncertain and she's had a week of radiotherapy with chemo likely too.

I know logically she's 84 and will not last forever and that there's no reason any of us shouldn't have cancer etc.I am surprised by how grief stricken and angry I feel. It's just crept up on me this last fortnight. i just want to scream and cry and lash out at anyone and anything. I feel guilty feeling like this. I am due to spend this weekend with her but am worried about her seeing how upset I am and making her feel worse when she needs support.

I know I sound horribly selfish and really hope not offend anyone; I know my mum has had a long and happy life.

I suppose I'm just asking if it's normal to feel like this. I feel like I'm grieving when I should be helping her the most and yet I'm not even the one who's sick. I,m a lone parent with three youngish dcs who don,t yet know their granny is ill and don,t feel I can talk to anyone In real life even though I have friends. I feel if I start crying I'll never stop. Please help me get some sort or perspective

SpringComeHereYouFabulousSeaso Thu 20-Mar-14 06:23:26

Oh zookeeper, you have not got things out of perspective. Your mum is your mum, whether she is 84 or 64yr. I know when dh's dad died in his 80s years ago I wanted to punch people who were saying 'oh well, he had a good innings etc' he was still dh's dad.
Hopefully you have much more time with your mum but what I'm clumsily trying to say is you don't need to write off or let other people write off your grief, anger and fear of her illness because she is old. When someone is very ill, we do grieve before they die as well as after. I think I cried more tears in the period my friend was very ill than after she died. It is the fear of losing them, the fear of not 'making the most of every second', just raw, awful fear.
I can only encourage you to talk to a good friend in RL. You need to vent, you need to cry (however scary letting that dam go is - what is the worse that would happen... you cry and cry and cry and feel awful but don't you feel awful anyway? Crying can be a great release)

Go easy on yourself and please, you have enough responsibility to deal with your dc, let someone help you with this. Try not to worry about upsetting your mum, yes she needs support but too much stiff upper lip won't help either. I really feel for you. (((Enormous hugs to you)))

zookeeper Thu 20-Mar-14 07:29:43

Thank you so much Spring; such wise and kind words! I hadn't really vocalised it but yes I am very fearful, not so much of her dying, but her getting sick and suffering.

And yes I hadn't thought about it but I have been feeling guilty for grieving for somebody who has had a long life. Nor had I thought of grief starting before someone dies ( even though I'd described myself as grief-stricken). I suppose yes I am grieving already. I just can't imagine life without her. I,ve been so lucky to have her as a my mum.

Oh Zoo sorry to hear about your mum.

My mum was 72 when she passed away from lung cancer in 2010 and I was angry too. It doesn't matter how old she is, she is your mum and we are never ready to lose our mums.

My sister grieved whilst mum was ill, I couldn't grieve until she had gone, everyone is different so just go with your feelings, there is no right, wrong or normal.

Big hugs xx

zookeeper Fri 21-Mar-14 07:05:37

Thank you Betty

OP, my DF, 69 ,has vocal cord cancer and is halfway through radiotherapy and suffering a lot. He can hardly eat, his voice is a squeak, he can't taste anything and is very tired and constipated.
He puts on a brave face but I find myself crying at the smallest of things, and everything makes me so angry! I have to really try and make myself cheerful which is very stressful in itself,
You have my sympathies, can't really offer any advice except be kind to yourself and have a good cry, don't keep it in (((hugs))))

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