I Don't know how to Support my 12 YO DS

[GenerationX2]

This morning right as we were walking out the door to School and Work my 12 year old son asked me to sit down and he took both my hands and said 'mummy you know I will always love you no matter what' (this is how I always start tough conversations with him) and I said yes I do, what's up - I could tell he was nervous and he said 'I think, NO I know I'm gay' I took him in my arms, I was lost for words, I said 'Thank you for telling me, I really love you and I will always love you so much' then we just hugged and I told him again how much I loved him, I really did not know what else to say and I really did not want to say the wrong thing to him, so we then just went about getting out the door - as I was dropping him off I asked him if we could chat later when we all got home and he agreed.

I then cried all the way to work and am still crying - I don't think I'll get much done today (I'm in the US so not yet 8am). Not because he's gay I know enough gay people who are happy and fulfilled with life - but I also know the battles they have had to fight and the struggles they have had and I am scared for him people can be so cruel.

12 seems so very young to even be thinking about boys or girls - although intellectually I know that sexuality is something that forms in each person before we are born but emotionally I'm still struggling with how does he even know.

I don't want to say the wrong thing when we talk tonight do any of you know a good website or book that you would recommend for me to get information that could help me pull myself together and point me in the right direction

[hol96]

Hi generationX2! :) I'm an 18 year old gay girl. I just wanted to reassure you that you reacted really well to your son coming out; you sound like a really lovely, caring mum.

Although 12 might seem a young age to come out, if he's chosen to tell you then he's probably pretty sure he's gay, and you should take him seriously as you already have. Even if his sexuality does turn out to be something different later on, which is pretty unlikely, he'll probably still be glad that you were so supportive.

Read this first:
www.advocatesforyouth.org/parents/173-parents

Some more useful links for you:

theparentsproject.com - videos and blog posts by two gay women for parents of LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bi, trans, queer/questioning) kids

amzn.com/1452127530?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 - this book will hopefully answer lots of your questions about having a gay child, and it's written by the women from The Parents Project

www.scarleteen.com - inclusive sex ed website

www.glaad.org/sites/default/files/allys-guide-to-terminology_1.pdf - in-depth guide to LGBTQ terminology

www.itgetsbetter.org - videos by loads of different LGBTQ celebrities about how things are getting better for LGBTQ young people


I can definitely find some more links/books for you if you've got specific things you want to learn about.

You are a great parent; you reacted really well, and you should be proud that your son felt he could be honest with you. If you have any questions whatsoever, feel free to reply to this comment, PM me, or ask for my email address. I wish you and your son all the best :)

[somanymiles]

Thanks for all the useful links hol96. My 12 year old DD told me last week that she thinks she is bi. I reacted similarly to GenerationX2 as in hugged her and said I was glad she had told me and I loved her etc. No tears though - maybe it's easier for girls than boys? Probably making a massive assumption here. Anyhow, I don't consider myself bi (I am straight), but I did have a semi-sexual relationship with another girl when I was 12. I don't really want my DD to feel like she has to label her sexuality as I do think it is somewhat fluid at this point in her life. What I ended up saying was that sexuaity was a big spectrum and wherever she finds herself on that spectrum is fine by me. If she is really sure she is bi then that's totally fine, but I am slightly worried that she is rushing to label something that may be a passing phase. I did ask her if there was any specific thing that made her feel she was bi eg had she kissed a girl and she said no.

[happygirl87]

My brother came out to my parents around 16, but said he had known from 10 and all his friends knew from 12- and my Dad cried and said he wished DB had felt able to tell us sooner so we could have been there for him more as he went through teens etc. I think it's really positive he could tell you so young

[happygirl87]

Just to clarify, DB is now mid 20s, has never waivered on his sexuality, and lives happily with his (male) DP of 5ish years

[TheSandman]

My DD (who is 12) came out to me last month. The fact that I found a badge saying "I like girls in a Gay way" in her school bag and her choice of topic for in her current affairs class discussion was Same Sex Marriage, and her habit of saying things like "when I have a girlfriend I will..." meant that it was no real surprise to me. I mean, I can't get the girl out of her Doc Martins.

A book she found useful was This Book is Gay by James Dawson. I can recommend it, though I would suggest you read it first. My girl has reading age way above average and you may not think it suitable for him. I learnt stuff.

It doesn't surprise me that she 'knows' she's differential at such an early age most of the gay people I have known knew they were gay when they were aged 7 upwards. I'm just happy that she doesn't feel she has to hide it from me. She obviously feels happier that it's been said out loud.

[TheCatsFlaps]

It's heartening to see so many accepting parents.

When I tried to come out at age 13, my mother mocked and teased me, refusing to believe it. I had a son when I was 16 (he died when he was 10), but my mum's reaction has meant I've now always felt far too embarassed to have a same-sex relationship. I'm 32 now and worry it's too late for me. I wish my parents had been so accepting. I'm resigned to always being single to"protect my secret"

[LikeABadSethRogenMovie]

GenerationX2, are you British? I just ask as I think sexual health is covered in such a comprehensive way here in the States from when the kids are 10, that it might be a surprise to the average Brit as to what the average 12/13 yo thinks and understands. And THEN there is the internet......

My 13 yo "came out" when he was 12 and then by the time he was 13, was not so sure how he felt as he fancied a girl on his bus. I just told him to not worry about it and just follow his heart. If he is gay, he's gay. If he's not, he's not. But there are a million and one other things I'd rather he worried about right now. Like his grades!!