What should I do?

(9 Posts)
eermmmm Sat 08-Oct-11 00:16:26

(^I didn't realise how much I wrote, I apologise^)

Im a 15, male and gay. So i basically broke all of the rules of this website :P.

Anyway, I knew I was gay when I was 5 or 6 and up until about 6 months ago I thought my parents were okay with it and wouldn't be bothered and get on with life, but 6 months ago I was on my iPod and they found some 'questionable' photographs. It wasn't highly pornographic but it was just a shirtless photo of an actor my friend sent me as a joke and I just left my iPod by my bedside. Well my intrusive dad was snooping around my room when he thought I was sleeping but I clearly saw him take my iPod, unlock it, use the passcode he saw me enter over me shoulder some time ago and went on to inspect my whole iPod until he found this photo.

I went to school the next morning and all day I was scared of what would be waiting for me at home, nothing. I was panicking all day thinking they would ask me about it but when I was at home they said nothing at all and I thought they might pull me up on it later, but they didn't. After a week I presumed they were too scared to confront me and tried to ignore it, or maybe I was paranoid and thought he saw something. But a week later he overheard them talking about it cowardly in their room before going to sleep and still nothing happened.

Since then everyday they have been 'cold' or slightly more 'distant' from me. They sometimes comment that
'too many people are gay these days, i think its because everybody goes through a phase but most of them are too stupid to realise its just a phase'
This just infuriated me, and since then I have either gone out with friends until late or just stayed in my room away from them so I didn't have to spend time with them.

This has made me come to the conclusion that just because somebody who is related to you doesn't mean for 1 second you have to love them. There are certain people that I just don't get along with so I thought why should I be close to me family if they don't care about me.

So what should I do next?
If there anything I can do?
Should I just wait it out until I can leave?

I just need to know what happens next because this is quite depressing upsetting. the word depressing is used too often in the wrong way

dogscatsandbabies Sat 08-Oct-11 13:21:10

Hi,

Didn't want your post to go unanswered but it's a tricky one and I'm not sure I have much advice for you. That's just a reallly hard situation. When I was about your age my mum made several comments to me including "The lady next door is cross at her husband because he took their 5 year old daughter shopping and let her pick her own clothes. Everything she picked out was from the boys section. The lady thinks this means their daughter will turn into a lesbian but you used to wear boys clothes and it never did you any harm!" She was of course digging for information at the time and whilst the wording that turning into a lesbian was harmful freaked me out at the time, both my parents were fine when I came out.

All I can say is that they're clearly working on limited information and maybe that's limiting their response. Maybe if you plucked up the courage to talk to them you might find they aren't as negative about it as you expect. Either way you'll know and then it will be easier to plan what to do next.

Wellthen Mon 10-Oct-11 20:39:33

I think its possible they might have reacted this way if you were a girl, or if the picture was of a girl (if you see what I mean, if you were straight basically). They may just be responding to evidence that you find men physically attractive and , just with any teenager and any parent, they are uncomfortable and embarrassed about this. With porn you can get all tied up in the morality of it, in this situation its just some guy with their top off, they can't miss the fact that you enjoy looking at his body but they aren't sure what to say about it.

You say your 15? So before perhaps they thought gay was just a phase or a lable and now suddenly you're starting to be more interested in the more adult side of sexuality.

I think you need to talk to them and try not to over react. Best wishes

fifilatutu Sun 16-Oct-11 00:08:25

hey kid! sorry, u probably hate being called that.

i'm a dyke, and my 14 y.o. son came to me the other day, sat me down on the sofa, and announced he was straight. he thought i would be gutted! LOL!

my point is, i understand it matters now, today. we parents feel you are too young to make such pronouncements, because we don't want our babies to be having sexual relationships. you are drifting from us so quickly at 14 and 15, the changes in you are happening so quickly....sometimes we are so scared of losing you or doing something that will hurt you unintentionally that we whisper to our partners behind closed doors rather than f@#k things up with you! we are cowards because we love you so much we never want to lose you!

they are straight...us lot are aliens to them. if they know anything of being gay, they know you are for a tuff time. and no-one wants their kids to be hurt. i hope my boy is straight..being gay is rubbish sometimes.

only you know if they are walking on eggshells around you or not. only you know if they are homophobic.but i think they sound a bit scared of you and this issue - dont be angry with them. yet.

but if you decide to bring it up, dont do it on christmas day in front of your grandparents...er,
that debacle is still never mentioned in my family to this day. except for the part where my mum yelled 'i've given birth to a monster!' it took a few years, but now she can raise her glass to a toast of 'to the monster!'

remember, be gentle, for we parents are growing old and our power is growing weak! (even dykes can misquote a line from star wars).

i would offer to be your surrogate mum but my fashion sense is awful...tho i could build you a house. cliche, anyone?

seriously i'm here 4 u. glad u posted. dont be angry with them. they are really worried bout u- thats why he checked ur ipod. you kids wont tell us anything so we have all sorts of hideous scenarios in our heads in the dead of night...

finally...and most importantly...i'm proud of you! you sound awesome - mature, popular, sensible - a credit to your folks! welcome to the world's biggest dysfunctional family! xxoxx

Selks Sun 16-Oct-11 01:27:36

Hi, and welcome to the site. I like it that you broke the 'rules' and posted on here! grin.
OK, tricky one with your parents. Seems like there's two issues here - a) your Dad snooping on your phone, and b) them seeming to have gone cool over the idea of you being gay.
Re a) Your Dad's snooping was not a great thing to do, but he probably only did it because he cares and wanted to see that things are ok for you.
Re b) If your parents have previously been fine with the idea of you being gay then they probably still are, but as you're 15 they may just be worried about you getting into the sexual side of things or even the gay 'scene' of things too early.
You sound like a mature, thoughtful young guy so I suggest that you act the mature one here and calmy ask your parents to sit down with you and tell you if there is anything that they are worried about. If you stay calm and allow them to say what might be bothering them (which is probably just a general sense of worry that us parents get when our teens are on the cusp of adulthood and sexual relationships etc!) and then answer them calmly and with reassurances then I bet they will be relieved and their worried attitude will change to one of trust. Also they are likely to be very impressed with your calm, mature stance, if you pull this off!! smile.....and that may cut you some extra slack with them! grin
Re a) the snooping on the phone. Raise this if you want to, but if it was a one off I'd let it go. I bet your Dad knows that he was wrong to do that and regrets it. But change your password.
Stick with it with your parents. They sound like they love and care for you, and are behind you really, but are just a bit scared at the moment. It's a challenging phase of your life - growing into adulthood - and it's a challenging phase of theirs too!!
Anyway, I hope my ramble makes a bit of sense, and best wishes for all of it. Let us know how it goes!

SolidGoldVampireBat Sun 16-Oct-11 01:37:55

To an extent, your parents are likely to be uneasy/unsettled/unreasonable at any evidence of your having sexual thoughts or feelings whatever your sexual orientation, when you are only 15. This doesn't mean that your thoughts or feelings are bad or wrong, it means that for many parents it's hard to cope with the fact that precious little baby is really growing up now.
That doesn't mean that it's OK for them to snoop at your phone. You are entitled to privacy. As others have said, if you have basically good parents, they are probably regretting the snooping.

They may well have wanted to dismiss your sexual orientation as 'just a phase', and please bear in mind that this doesn't necessarily make them bad people. They may feel that being gay is more difficult than being straight and worry about you. That doesn't mean they are right. There is nothign wrong with being gay. Adolescence is a tricky time both for the adolescent and the adolescent's parents, but as long as there is basic goodwill on all sides, you will get through it.

dinamo Mon 24-Oct-11 01:10:19

In the end you aren't going to know what they truly think one way or another until you sit them down and talk about it. They may have thought it was just a phase and hoped you'd grow out of it, or they may be trying to get you to talk about it by dropping hints and comments, but unfortunetly you'll never know until you talk to them.

You know who you are and how you feel and thats the most important thing, talking to parents about being gay can be difficult, but at least in your case it wont be a huge shock to them.

My father was totally cool about me being a lesbian but got all nutso when I started dating girls (they were invariably older than me, which may have been part of the problem) he realised I wasn't his little girl anymore and was becoming a woman and having sexual feelings and making connections with new people. Also he was a little worried he wouldn't be much help to me in giving me advice and help navigating a path he'd never walked. It's possible your parents might be worried about how the world might treat you and want to make sure you are gay by pushing your buttons a bit to see what you say do.

I wish you all the best with your situations, I wouldn't write off your parents toally though, at leats until you've sat them down and discussed stuff with them like adults. Good Luck and I hope it all works out for you.

MsWeatherwax Mon 24-Oct-11 06:58:20

Oh love. It takes parents a while to get used to the idea sometimes. I well remember how upsetting it was for me. I was your age when I started to tell people that I was bisexual and my mum dismissed it as just a phase and told me not to tell anyone else in the family. She is fine with it now - I think it just takes most parents a while to get used to the idea of their child as a) a sexual being b) not what they had expected them to be.

Come out when you are ready to - you know your own parents and state of mind the best. Be prepared that you may initially get a reaction that may upset you and it's good to feel safe in yourself and ready to handle that reaction. There are guides and resources available for your parents which you might want to have to hand: www.fflag.org.uk/index.php?option=com_content&view=section&id=12&Itemid=31. It might be easier to bring it up now that they have an idea so that you can clear the air, but you don't have to if it's not what you want. I really like Selks's idea of sitting them down.

Iskandar64 Mon 13-Feb-12 02:18:01

Hello eermmmm. I read this message a few days ago and I felt the need to contribute. This was some time ago now, some months, so I guess you have moved on from that little conundrum. But I felt the need to post for some balance.
I think it was quite inventive of you to go to Mumsnet to seek out the views of parents of LGTB children, for some prior experience, and on the whole I applaud the attitudes and advice expressed here. It makes sense as you are under parental responsibility for a few years yet to come.
On a primary level your parents are reserved and unhappy at the news, but they have not thrown you out of the house - and will come around. These reactions are not so much of a problem today - and most parents are open to their children's developmental diversity as never before. I had to wait a bit longer to tell my parents that I was gay, as I had to be sure I could accept rejection and be financially be independent if the need arose.
I would guess your parent's love for you will override their predudices, if not this month but over time. But one thing I would suggest - get in contact with your local LGBT helplines or societies, these can be found easily on websites ( as I am sure you know), I found mine when I needed it in the BT directory emergency pages many years ago.
I think you need to talk directly with someone who has been through with what you are going through now, rather than well meaning parents who may not fully appreciate the rollercoaster ride of uncertainty you are now on.
Good luck

Iskandar

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