Only inquiring as to what age can children decided to not see a parent

[Kazanova]

I am only inquiring. Even with what me and the kids have been through with my H with DV. I must state Im not a bitter mum. I believe in both parents being in lives but however when do you make that decision where the kids are saying we dont want to see D due to his behaviour. Where do you draw the line and say im not forcing them to see other parent. Im not the one saying they cant they choose not too. In schools they are told you have a choose and a voice. So does that apply to everything. I believe there are boundaries that we as parents choose for kids (like guidance how to be a good person and what not to do) and we dont want to see harm come to our child, so you step in. Kids are 10 half and 14. Mature for ages and know what they want. What steps can you take for them to be heard?

[LotusLight]

I think it's about 13. I know one man who deliberately did not divorce is wife despite her affair until the youngest child was 13. The children got a choice of which parent and chose the father. As they were 13+ they had a choice. The law doesn't actually have a set age but the courts know once a child is quite big like that it's quite hard to pick them up and dump them in the car and physically force them to be with the other parent.

[STIDW]

Its important for children to be heard but children's views aren't necessarily determinative. Children's needs, wishes and feelings should be seen in light of their age and maturity and evaluated in context of the circumstances and family background so decisions can be made with their best interests at heart. Also good parenting often involves persuasion or coercion.

For example, parents might ask children's opinion about moving house and changing to another school. Ultimately the parents would consider their employment and economic prospects along with the children's views and make a decision with the children best interests at heart. Or a 14 year old could say they wanted to live with a permissive parent who allowed them to stay on the streets late drinking on a school night when clearly it would be in the child's best interests to live with the other parent if they were authoritative and capable of establishing some ground rules.

On the other hand if children resist contact for reasons they can reasonably describe, say because a parent lacks warmth and is necessarily restrictive, the children may not be getting much benefit from contact because it's dull and boring.

Children can be heard through family counselling or if there is an order by applying to court for a variation. Generally a 10 year olds views wont carry the same weight as a 14 year olds and by 16 most children are old enough to make their own decisions. Having said that every case is different and there are cases when the perceptions of primary age children have been taken into account and other cases when a change of living arrangements has been ordered for a 14 year old very much against their wishes.

[Kazanova]

They are so scared of him. They dont want to see him due to how he has hurt me and emotionally abused them. They dont trust him and are scared what he might do. This is a problem in the sense i can understand why some people stay in a relationship till the kids are older but on other hand have to get out due to the circumstances. Would the courts look at his behavior and take into account the childs wishes. He has already expressed how he wants to see us on the streets with no where to live. How can it be a good thing for the child is that person is making the childs life a misery.

[STIDW]

Parents have a duty to protect their children and withholding contact may be justified if there is evidence children are suffering harm, but when there is a court order you would need to apply for a variation rather just unilaterally stopping contact. The judge would then decide what further evidence is required in the form of reports to assist him/her make a decision and the court children advisory officers (CAFCASS) can be asked to carry out a report to ascertain the children's needs, wishes and feelings and a welfare report.

Children often tell separated parents different things depending on what they think the parent wants to hear and they may tell an impartial CAFCASS officer something else. When children resist contact because of events they have witnessed and can reasonably describe its unlikely that unsupervised direct contact will be deemed to be in the interests of the child who are fearful unless the contact parent admits to the problem and changes their behaviour. However any harm from DV or witnessing DV is weighed against the harm children suffer when they lose a relationship with a natural parent so DV isn't necessarily a reason for no contact. It's unusual for no contact to be ordered at all. Contact can be in a contact centre, supervised or indirect (email, Skype, birthday cards etc).

When there is no court order you can unilaterally stop contact and it would then be up to your husband apply for a Child Arrangement Order for contact. IF you are alleging DV the court may hold a separate hearing to determine the facts. Judges often have difficulty in determining between two versions of the same story unless there is independent professional evidence of DV from school staff, police, social services or health workers. CAFCASS carry out the same reports as above.

Rather than opposing contact altogether and risk being seen as obstructive you and the children (or a family solicitor on your behalf) may be in a better position arguing reasonably for safe contact, supervised or in a contact centre. Alternatively handing over children through a third party or in a public place may prevent further outbursts of temper at handovers if they are a flash point.