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What hapens if almost 11 year old dd refuses to go to contact

(9 Posts)
betterthanever Thu 07-Nov-13 19:51:01

tired it is a shame than many people who need legal aid will not be able to get it but I totally agree with your point about why they are not taking it back to court.
I thought contact orders only said you had to make the DC available in any case, which you are so you are not in breach.

tiredoutgran Wed 06-Nov-13 22:04:56

Contact is actually for the child and not for the parent! The thought of forcing an 11 yo to go and stay with a man (father or not) that she now hardly knows is horrible. My 11yo DGD had been forced through a contact order to see her dad and stay alternate weekends, I have seen her dragged kicking and screaming from my arms. She now refuses to go at all, just isn't interested, hates his wife making her spend all her time outside on the rough council estate he lives on rather than letting her read in her bedroom.

I also have an 8yo DGD refusing to see her dad because he let her down once too often, again technically she is making me break the contact order. I fought for these children through the courts and I will fight again if we end up back in court, if they want to see their dads I would never stop them but I will never see them forced to go again.

Funnily enough neither dad was interested enough to bother going back to court to object now that legal aid is not quite so easy to get.

betterthanever Tue 05-Nov-13 21:33:43

I don't like the school analogy, as if a child was refusing to go to school you would look at why first of all and in the case of the OP with contact I would imagine she doesn't want to see her Dad because the relationship is not strong enough and the OP is right that it needs to build up to overnights. You are doing the right things encouraging it and I doubt a court would order it in these circumstances.
Contact is not for its' own sake it has to be beneficial for the DC. I would not want my child with me unhappy, I would want then to be with me because they wanted to and benefited from it.
If there ever came a time my DS did not want to be with me I would not force it. They are not pieces of property we are entitled to nor are they play things or something we can get to do as we say. They are children who need love and care and normally via the natural process that then results in attachment and a close bond.

lostdad Tue 05-Nov-13 15:57:24

You're quite right of course MrsSquirrel. Education is so overrated. hmm

MrsSquirrel Tue 05-Nov-13 15:51:01

Lostdad you are sadly mistaken about this:

Surely you wouldn't post Her school is demanding she go to lessons but she does not want to go, I could force her to go but shes a big girl and I cannot physically drag her there.

Don't be so sure. If you look at the Teenagers board you will see people have posted that. School refusal is a serious problem and very distressing for the parents who have to deal with it. Perhaps your family, friends and acquaintances are lucky, if you have never come across anyone in this situation. I don't know if it's a 'cheap point' or not, but please use another rhetorical example next time.

Sorry for the hijack OP.

moldingsunbeams Tue 05-Nov-13 12:19:50

Thanks Lostdad.
So as long as I make her available for contact and encourage her to go there is no come back for me if she physically refuses to go with him.

I will continue to encourage her of course. I have always encouraged and instigated contact.

lostdad Tue 05-Nov-13 11:55:38

Nothing legally he doesn't take the matter to court. The court would take the attitude however that you have an obligation to promote contact as it is in her best interests. I'll be jumped on when I say this but (and I am not making a cheap point here) - you're a parent. Surely you wouldn't post `Her school is demanding she go to lessons but she does not want to go, I could force her to go but shes a big girl and I cannot physically drag her there'.

That said, I will add a caveat here: If he hasn't made the effort, hasn't been prepared to deal with your DD in a sensitive manner it isn't that surprising things are as they are. From what you've said he doesn't seem that child-focused and he really can't blame you for the situation. Should he decide to take the matter to court it is likely CAFCASS would order a `Wishes and Feelings' report and again - from what you have said - he wouldn't get that far in all likelihood.

All you can do practically is try to encourage her. If he doesn't play his part there isn't much you can do however.

moldingsunbeams Tue 05-Nov-13 11:50:20

I should add I do not want her to refuse to go, I have been the instigator for any access and contact for the last six years.
I want him to step up to the plate properly. But because he has let her down so much I want to know what would legally happen if she refused to go.

moldingsunbeams Tue 05-Nov-13 11:45:08

She has not seen him in two years nearly, only 3 times in the two years before that, he asked for overnight access a couple of months ago and was very upset she refused to go overnights. (I told him he needed to build a relationship with her first by proper regular access before overnight)

He does not phone or contact her at all even though its free, he has let her down at birthdays and christmas.

He is asking for access but she does not want to see him, I could force her to go but shes a big girl and I cannot physically drag her there.

What legally would happen if she refused to go with him.

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