He's had an affair. Now what?

[Fireplaces]

Have name changed.

My husband of ten years is having an affair. It looks like its the end of our marriage. As well as the emotionally impact on me, I am being kept awake by three worrying legal / financial implications of my future. Please can you help me to answer them so I can actually get some sleep this week.

Some background: I gave up my career to be a SAHM. DH works for a top rate salary. My children are ten and five years old.

We are in a house that is in both our names, and the mortgage is too. I paid half the deposit , and a third of the mortgage when I was working (my salary was one third of his). Now I am a SAHM, he gives me money each month and I pay the mortgage from my account.

My questions are:

1. If we split, I understand that I can stay in the house while my children are in education, but who would pay the mortgage? There's no way I can pay it on my own....I have no income. I will get a job, but my salary will be a quarter of my husband's and will still not be able to pay the mortgage, let alone food, clothing for children, utilities etc. Would my husband have to pay, even if he wasn't living there? Or would we have to sell the house? (50% of the equity would not pay for another house anywhere around here). Or is there another way that provides the house for the stay at home mother looking after the children?
   
   
2. My DH owns a house in France in his name only. But I have paid a chunk of money into its mortgage. It's now mortgage-free and worth a lot. Will my DH have to declare this ownership as part of his assets? It's where most of our equity is and I worry that it won't be counted as his assets because it's not in the UK.
   
   
3. I am worried that my DH will try for having the children live with him full time. This would break my heart. How often do the courts award against a SAHM, and on what reasons? I am pretty sane (!) , although did have (and was discharged from, five years ago) outpatient treatment for obsessive-compulsive issues. And I had post natal depression and had to take tablets for a while. I am terrified that DH will make me out to be mentally unsuitable for keeping the children with me.
   
   I am sorry if this is lengthy. My head is all over the place. I would be very grateful for some help here.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

Firstly all your assets regardless of whose name they are in including pensions are taken into account. A 'clean break' is encouraged now that is no ongoing payments.
Normally main carer would have residency of children. Though you are encouraged to sort this out between yourselves maybe at mediation rather than involving the court. How much would your H want to have the children.
I would suggest legal ASAP.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

Sorry meant to say legal advice.

[Wolfie72]

I am not a legal advisor but from experience (having been through a divorce) I can add my two cents:
1)Lonecat is right about number 1. When it comes to the financial side of things, you will need legal advice on this.
2)DH will have to reveal this asset in France (he will have to reveal all assets as will you) to the court. Again, this is something to discuss when sitting down with a solicitor.
3)Don't worry a hoot about this. You had some mental health issues years ago for which you sought treatment. Arm yourself with a letter from your GP stating you sought treatment and recovered (even if you continue taking meds, this is absolutely ok- the point is you are being or have been treated and you know to seek help if/when you need it). If you have fully recovered, please ask your GP to emphasize this. You won't lose custody of your kids, not at all. But it's better to just put this one to bed really quickly so that DH can't use it as a tactic in the future. A letter from your GP will just stop this nonsense on its tracks. The courts rarely award 'against' any parent unless a parent is proven undoubtedly to be a putting a child at sincere and severe risk. This is actually very rarely the case. More than likely, neither of you will be considered the 'custodial' parent, rather the kids will live the majority of time (i.e. full time with mum) with one parent- the resident parent- and see the other parent- the non resident parent- every weekend. Or maybe one week the child(ren) will stay with mum, one week with dad. It depends on geography/distance and what you and your DH can realistically agree on. It is incredibly hard to agree on anything when so much anger and disappointment rules our heads in these unfortunate circumstances. Court can also be a disheartening process. A solicitor at this point will advice you on all you need to know with regards to the financial side of things as well as family law. If you can put the emotional things to one side when talking to a lawyer and just focus entirely on getting yourself and your children financially secure, you will get through the legal side of things more quickly and effectively. Take the emotional side of things to a therapist, to friends, or family... or to a kickboxing class. :-) The anger side of things is very difficult and can really muddy the legal waters. So try and keep a cool head through these tough times. Keep yourself together as best you can and good luck.

[Fireplaces]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I am in a bad way with all of this.