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Father stopping access "until he can have her alone"

(54 Posts)
HopAndSkip Mon 31-Dec-12 17:23:23

My DD is 5 months, my ex and i have not been together since early pregnancy, but we get on reasonably well considering (ie. he was with me for the birth, we can have conversations about general topics fine etc)

He wanted to have her overnight alone when she was a week old, which i said couldn't happen yet due to breast feeding, but i offered him to stay over/us to go to his which he wasn't interested in.
Other than this he hasn't however shown much interest in DD at all, seeing her for an hour or 2 every 2-3 weeks, cancelling multiple visits he's arranged between each visit etc. He only lives 10 minutes away.

He last visited 4 weeks ago, during which he said "I can't be bothered with this if I can't have her alone. I'll start seeing her again once I can have her around my house and get on with things at the same time." and asked what age i was going to stop breast feeding.
I said i didn't know yet, but that this wouldn't be practical as by that point they wouldn't know each other anymore and so she wouldn't be alone straight away anyway.
He got very annoyed at that and said he would just get a court order once i didn't "have the breast feeding excuse" as we have "equal rights to have her"

I was wondering what access would be given if he actually doesn't see her until i stop breast feeding?
I'm assuming they would agree that it would start out with me there, and gradually build up, but just slightly concerned that because of him having PR that they might just order her to go alone straight away?

fuzzywuzzy Mon 31-Dec-12 17:27:30

It would have to be supervised till she's comfortable with him.

Do you really think he will, or just disappear altogether from your lives?

I'd guess he hasn't had much experience of small children if he thinks he can just "get on with things at the same time" any time soon.

But if he only lives 10 minutes away is there any reason he couldn't have her round for an hour or so without you? Maybe you'd have to work up to that, but if you could give him a schedule for a few weeks, showing how the time could build up then he might see where things can progress.
So you could start with you and her visiting, then you letting him look after her while you read a magazine, then you leave her there for 10 minutes at a strecth etc, workin up to him having her there for an hour.

I know that's not what he's asking for, but if he believed you had seriously thoguht through how it could increase then he might be more amenable.

NewYearNewNagoo Mon 31-Dec-12 17:39:44

'can't be bothered' is quite telling here, sadly.

There's no way I would agree to his terms, she won't know him.

AmberLeaf Mon 31-Dec-12 17:42:28

Do you really think he will, or just disappear altogether from your lives?

Thats what I was wondering too.

Not having seen her for 4 weeks doesn't sound good.

SugarPasteSnowflake Mon 31-Dec-12 22:18:58

He's mixed up: your DD is the one with rights. You and he have responsibilities

Continue to offer contact but do it via email so there is a written record. If he can't be arsed to step up and be a parent, then in the event that he did go to court, it would be difficult for him to explain why he should be given increased contact.

Pickles77 Mon 31-Dec-12 22:29:12

Sorry I've no advice but I could have written a very similar thread so if you don't mind I'd like to watch with interest smile

wavesgoodbye Mon 31-Dec-12 22:34:56

Let him try for a court order, you are allowing him open access to your home, he lives local enough for him to come and he isn't , you haven't done anything wrong.

If he didnt see her till you stopped breastfeeding then courts would expect him to get to know her again gradually over time before he was allowed to take her home.

MrsTomHardy Mon 31-Dec-12 23:14:20

What is wrong with these men!!!!

NewYearNewNagoo Tue 01-Jan-13 08:26:18

The email advice is very good from sugarpaste smile

They haven't worked out that the most important person in their relationship with their child isn't them, MrsTH.

Finallygotaroundtoit Tue 01-Jan-13 08:32:18

He wants to see her without you - which given that you two are no longer in a relationship seems reasonable.

However, what he doesn't realise is that at this stage she can't be away from you for more than an hour.

Just explain that to him. Ignore any requests to express, if he's local an hour now building up gradually should be workable

Chopstheduck Tue 01-Jan-13 08:41:29

she is 5 months though, if you were thinking of going back to work soon, she would have to be apart from you for several hours at a time at least confused

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. I was bf mine, but had to still let the father have access, from very early on. Certainly well before 5 months.

He obviously does want to be part of her life, or he wouldn't be considering a court order.

Chopstheduck Tue 01-Jan-13 08:42:12

oh and he will soon learn that he can't just get on with things with a baby around!

AmberLeaf Tue 01-Jan-13 11:05:52

chopstheduck, is the OP being unreasonable? the father hasnt even bothered to see the baby for the last 4 weeks!

HopAndSkip Tue 01-Jan-13 11:23:49

Thanks for the advice everyone. I've been recording everything on health visitors advice from the start luckily.

chops and Amum I've gone out of the room before, once he called me back in because he was bored, another time i came back in because she'd been crying for a while, and he was watching tv with her lying in her moses basket, so i don't really see the point of "leaving him to it", DD gets more from visits when i'm there as he actually has to pay some attention to her then.

I wouldn't be completely surprised if he disappears, but he made a huge deal about getting himself on the birth certificate (made me change the date 3 times as he kept deciding he couldn't make it anymore) and he likes "playing daddy" to friends on facebook, so i think he might still want some contact.

It's good to know he will have to make an effort to get to know her though, Thanks guys.

MrsSham Tue 01-Jan-13 11:26:58

I think OP you are being a little unreasonable to not allow him to have unsupervised access to your dd. at 5 months there is no reason why she can't be away from you for at least 3 hours. If not over night, even if you are bf.

AmberLeaf Tue 01-Jan-13 11:29:34

Did you miss the OPs most recent post MrsSham?

MrsSham Tue 01-Jan-13 11:32:20

Yes, I still think that OP is also being a little unreasonable aswell as the exp.

MrsSham Tue 01-Jan-13 11:35:42

It sounds to me like OP has maybe backed him into a corner on this due to being very controlling around access, and he maybe has not managed things well but not everyone has the same perseverance to fight.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Tue 01-Jan-13 11:36:08

Overnight is ridiculous at 5 months, but you could probably do a few hours if you gave him some EBM.

Although he sounds like a twat, so I'm not sure I'd be prepared to express and introduce a bottle just so he can play at being a Daddy.

HopAndSkip Tue 01-Jan-13 11:38:04

MrsSham I seriously doubt you would leave your 5 month old with someone who generally ignores her and has seen her for a matter of hours week's apart. Failing to see how you're expecting her to go all night without a feed too. So I'm going to go ahead and ignore that post as i take it you just fancy disagreeing with people today.

Northernlebkuchen Tue 01-Jan-13 11:39:21

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable at all. She is breastfeeding her baby and doesn't want to be apart from this very young child in any case. The father has been offered repeated access but can't be arsed because it doesn't allow him to carry on his life as he wishes. I would actually be quite suspcious of why he wishes to exclude her primary care giver at these times.
Just out of interest OP - has he paid to sipport his child at all?

I agree with others - offer access in writing and keep everything but don't do anything you wouldn't be doing anyway - such as stopping breastfeeding for example.

AmberLeaf Tue 01-Jan-13 11:39:30

Other than this he hasn't however shown much interest in DD at all, seeing her for an hour or 2 every 2-3 weeks, cancelling multiple visits he's arranged between each visit etc. He only lives 10 minutes away

He last visited 4 weeks ago, during which he said "I can't be bothered with this if I can't have her alone

He sounds totally unreasonable and uninterested.

I think the OP has been more than accommodating in the face of his disinterest.

Meglet Tue 01-Jan-13 11:44:55

I know it's no AIBI, but I think you are being too reasonable with him. He clearly isn't serious about seeing his child and is happy to chop and change your plans to suit him. If he hasn't figured out how to be responsible by now then I'd guess he never will.

MrsSham Tue 01-Jan-13 11:47:56

We only have your side of things, maybe he has not felt confident with You around all of the time to parent naturally. Maybe he sees that he was not ignoring her but that she would settle back to sleep, wouldn't be the first and wouldn't be the last to allow a baby to self settle, I think also that if he was restricted to your home, it is natural he would feel bored and somewhat resentful. As I said not everyone has the same perseverance to fight.

On the feed front my dd regularly fed through out the night at 5 months old, I'm not sure she needed it however and around that age my dd was having overnights with her dad, I would feed at night he would take her after bath and feed, and bring her back for am feed and they would be off out.

I do not fancy disagreeing with people today, I just happened to see your post from another possible point of view and quite frankly what's the point of posting if you are going to be so aggressive when someone looks at things differently.

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