changing dd's name by deed poll with absent father

[miarosemum]

so have a nearly 6 year old dd by ex-partner. he is on her birth certificate but has had no contact with her since her 2nd birthday. He does not pay any child maintenance and I have no idea where he lives. my dd has my surname (maiden). I have been with my present partner for nearly 4 years and we are currently expecting our first child together. so the surname issue has cropped up, our new dc we would naturally like to have my dp's surname, and would like dd to have this surname as well as could not have two children with two different surnames. I have looked into changing dd's name by deed poll but need the consent of the father to do this. the only other way around it is to get a court order to change the name as he is absent. anyone any experience of this and advice to give?

[miarosemum]

also my dd has no idea of absent father as she was too young when he disappeared. she calls dp daddy as he is the only father she has ever known. this is something we will have to talk to her about in a couple of years to come.

[LizLemon007]

Are you married to the new guy?

One thing at a time. It would be nice for your children to have the same sur name, but ..... tbh, I think you'd be better off leaving her sur name that of her biological father than changing it to the sur name of a man you're not married to.

I hope that doesn't sound too old fashioned. My children have my x's sur name and now I would really prefer that they had mine, so I'm not unsympathetic, honestly!! I just can't imagine changing their names to some OTHER random man's name at this point.

Why not 'campaign' for your baby to have your maiden name, as then your children WILL have the same sur name. That would make sense.

[LizLemon007]

ps, you could split up from this guy (sorry, but it might happen) then you'd be back to square - feeling a little awkward about their sur names!

If you give your next child your own sur name then this is an issue you'll never have have to face. If your new partner is sympathetic he'll understand this.

[miarosemum]

hi liz, I did put in my post that my dd does have my surname not her biological fathers. no, me and my dp are not married but we are very happy and he is daddy to her as no contact at all with biological father.

[miarosemum]

yes keeping my surname for both dc's is an option and would make sense, just think dp may not agree with this.

[JigsawMum]

Hi, I have DD from previous partner who has no input with her. She has surname made of my maiden and bio-dad's names. I am now married and so with DH and 4 step DCs, she is 1 in 7 with own name. We have been posing the Q with her for 4 years but still now at 12, she wants her own name. Its her identity and she feels its important to keep her only link with biodad.
My suggestion would be to start to use one surname as a family - school will do this if you write, and leave the legal route till a later date. Maybe if you got married you could combine names or make it official then?

[LizLemon007]

@ miarosemum, are you married to your dp? I think if you're not married, then he can hardly PUSH hard for the tradition that a child takes his sur name, especially if it would leave you with two children with different sur names!

If you are married then obviously I think it is fair enough that he'd expect his child to have his sur name, but if you're NOT married then the traditions and conventions are already up in the air , ykwim? I am NOT judging you btw. I had two children and I'm not married. I know I was pressured into giving my dc2 father's sur name when I really did not want to, and sure enough, I wish I hadn't. But like JigsawMum, I won't change now.

[LizLemon007]

didn't see your first reply there!

[STIDW]

It's unlawful to change a child's registered surname without consent from all those with Parental Responsibility for a child. The guideline from the Dept of Education now is that schools are to ensure that the surname by which a child is known isn't changed without written independent evidence that consent has been given by those with PR for a child.

[Spowall]

If partner/boyfriend changes HIS name to yours, all would be the same. Surely a small sacrifice to make and much simpler too.

[Mama1980]

I have 2 dc s pregnant with my third this baby is my current partners, the others have my surname, this baby will too. I feel my children should all have the same name, mine in this case and dp has agreed as I feel very strongly about this. The easiest solution is for him to change his name. If you ex has pr then you cannot change hers without his consent.

[LittleWhiteWolf]

Stick with your maiden name for the new baby if you really want them to have the same name. Or double-barrel DC2 so they have a half-similar name.

[WildWorld2004]

What does your dd want? My dd is 8 & has mentioned that she would like my name but that she also loves the name she has. She has said that she wouldnt want it to be changed just yet. I think 6 years old is old enough to decide for themselves.

[miarosemum]

wow thanks for your replies ladies...i have a lot to take on board..my main priority is that dd and new baby have the same surname whether it be mine or dps. mama has your dp changed his surname to yours out of interest? dd has said she would like her daddys (dp's) surname, to be honest at 6 years old stil a little too young to decide. she would say yes to anything!!

[jiminyCrick]

6 is FAR too young [in my opinion] to choose what name she wants, if she wants to change, I would wait until she is older and more grown up. Six is a baby.

Let me get this striaght...does she not know that your DP is not her bio father?? Do you think maybe when she finds out this, and that you changed her name to his that she may resnt you a little for it? Kids very easily get sentimental for what they don't know, and for me, this would terrify me. If she's not old enough to understand about her father, she's not old enough to make a decision on her name. I think she needs to know all the facts before you do anything.

Secondly, especially as you are not married, would not change her name, or give the new baby his name. Our children will take both of our names and we are married. If I was unmarried, my baby would take my name. I would not give the most precious thing in the world to someone else, if he had not taken the step to give himself to me. I'm sorry if that sounds really harsh, but it is my opinion.

There is no rush on name, my friend has a DD [age 10] with a different name to her husband and baby, and dd desparately wants to have th same name as the rest of the family, but it is not so easy with the father...especially in your case if he is absent.