would I be being a wuss to get councilling?

(14 Posts)
Oooblimey Mon 09-May-16 22:38:10

Hi,
Not posted for a while until tonight, basic background, 5 pregnanices resulting in 1 ruptured ectopic and 4 misscarriages between 6 and 13 weeks. No "live" children. TTC almost 6 years. Last MC at 9 weeks 5 weeks ago.
I was fine. But I seem to be going downhill. Randomly crying (not in front of other people, try and hide it but hubby caught me today) feel really low. Can't seem to just pull my socks up like usually do. Feel like i've got rocks weighing me down in my tummy. Am very good at hiding feeling like this though in front of people. DB and DSIL had a baby today. I'm thrilled for them but have also cried all day. Don't seem to have control.
DH has been telling me for ages that I need to see a councellor but I feel that I would be embarrassed talking to someone, like I'm being really self indulgent by banging on about me. Much easier to type it out to strangers on a forum!!
Should I see a councellor? Has anyone any experience? Did it help you?

friends123 Tue 10-May-16 09:35:38

Hi oooblimey,
I didn't want to read your post and run. I'm not surprised your down it sounds like it's been a long and tiring road for you. I haven't been trying as long as you but the emotional toll infertility as had on me, as made me a shadow of my former self. I just wanted to say that there's no shame in asking for help.
I also wasn't sure myself about counselling as I'm a very private person, I thought I might of found it strange to open up to stranger. Howerver I I would highly recommend the infertility workbook by Barbara Blitzer as a good place to start. it's a mind-body program to enhance fertility , reduce stress and maintain emotional stress and I really found it a lifesaver, especially to validate my worry's, upset and thoughts .
wish you all the luck in the world.

broodypsycho Tue 10-May-16 10:47:34

Your not being a wuss what's so ever. If I was in your position I think id be in a mental institution. I dread the day my db dsil announce their having another grandchild for my parents. It's hard really hard. I would definitely

drinkyourmilk Wed 11-May-16 08:24:15

Good lord , no! Do whatever you need to get through it.
our clinic offers counselling as part of the ivf costs and I've got my first appointment when I'm next in.
Infertility is dreadful! It messes with your mind, body , relationships, hormones. Plus you've had a lot of losses. Please seek help wherever you can. If you don't try it, you don't know if it will help.
I'm dreading the next pregnancy announcement. My sil has been trying for a few months so it's on the cards.

BipBippadotta Wed 11-May-16 09:08:20

Do see a counsellor. It can be really helpful to speak to someone who doesn't have a personal investment in what you think or feel, who knows how you'll be affected by what you've experienced and who won't be made anxious or upset or helpless by your distress. It gives you space to think things through and have a cry without worrying about how that affects people around you. You may feel weird at first talking about yourself, but it's not self-indulgent to work through your grief and trauma. 6 years TTC and so many losses is going to have a massive effect on you.

Absolutely no shame in getting help. Soldiers with combat stress see therapists, and you wouldn't think of them as being wussy.

My heart goes out to you. flowers

closephine85 Wed 11-May-16 12:23:44

Not a wuss in the slightest! It sounds like you have been through so much, there is absolutely no shame in seeing a counsellor to talk through it. I would just do your research and make sure you find one who has a speciality/understanding in infertility. In the past I have found even counsellors can say the wrong thing if they only have a vague understanding of what you're trying to talk to them about!

Good luck flowers flowers

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay Wed 11-May-16 12:29:02

Yes do it. Most hospitals should have a specific infertility counsellor.

Viewofhedges Wed 11-May-16 15:07:27

do see a counsellor but don't whatever you do feel like you've failed if you find the counsellor isn't the right person for you. Hopefully they will be, but go on the understanding that if they aren't helping you that you should try again with someone else (rather than giving up on the idea).

I went to see one when we were trying to work out whether or not to have IVF. I found her to be really unhelpful and actually pretty thoughtless. So much so I almost reported her. We weren't in a position to try elsewhere as costs were prohibitive, and I wish we had been able to.

But finding some help for the grief you're experiencing is a good idea, for you, and by extension for your DH. You are NOT being self indulgent, you're being human. My step sisters brought home grand kids for my dad and I HOWLED with tears. Infertility is a real, deep sorrow and you are doing the right thing to acknowledge that. I'm coming to terms with it but slowly, slowly, and still find that other griefs are hitting me very hard. And I don't think I'm a wuss. Wishing you courage.

Civilservant Thu 12-May-16 20:46:06

Very sorry you're going through this.
I would really recommend counselling. I saw a BACP registered counsellor for fertility reasons and it really helped me. It isn't self indulgent to do things to help with your mental health, any more than, for example, seeing a doctor for a physical health issue.

Oooblimey Thu 12-May-16 22:32:39

thanks for your responses. I know that the clinic where I had my last two IVF cycles do councelling so I'm going to phone tomorrow and see about costs. If it's too expensive I will see my GP but if I can I think I would prefer to speak to one who specialises in infertility.
Was OK yesterday but random crying episodes again this evening so I guess I need to do it.
Thanks again xx

Civilservant Thu 12-May-16 22:37:25

Depending on your age etc if you haven't been to a recurrent miscarriage clinic for PCOS, blood clotting condition tests etc, that might be something to consider.

brew

WLmum Thu 12-May-16 22:39:19

Not at all! I saw a counsellor after 2 years ttc. At the time it didn't help and I felt like she didn't get how desperately unhappy it was making me, but looking back I can see where she was going with it. Perhaps a different counsellor would have been a better fit. I lived in fear of happy announcements and those hateful words 'well we didn't think it would happen so quickly!' and I actually stopped seeing some pg friends for a while as it was just all too much.
I find mindfulness really helpful - the mindfulness for dummies book especially so as it explains about accepting your feelings without judgement and separating them from your whole self - you feel X rather than you are X.
Most defiantly not a wuss!
Good luck with it all.

Ilikesweetpeas Thu 12-May-16 22:46:03

It's something that really helped me, please consider it- you have been through such a tough time winecake

NotSpartacus Fri 13-May-16 10:19:21

Not counselling, but I have found a good acupuncturist very helpful in sorting through my feelings. I went years ago, then stopped, but started again last year because having given up on ttc I had a surprise pregnancy which I was delighted about and which ended at 9 weeks in miscarriage. The disappointment and anger were crippling. The acupuncture helped me get to a place where I think I can be more accepting of what happens and get less hurt (I talk a lot to her and it helps me to say the stuff in my head out loud). Plus it might have a side benefit of helping me conceive (I hope).

Anyway, I hope you find something that works for you. It is smart to get counselling (not wussy at all).

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