When is enough enough?

[lildottie]

I'm 30 next week, dh is 32. ttc over 2 years, male factor infertility. bfp from 1st IVF in Feb with 2embryos. mc at 5 weeks. mfi back in normal ranges at ivf fertilisation so had mix of icsi/ivf rather than all icsi. i had amh of 40 in jan 14 but from 11 eggs and 7fertilised we were only left with 1grade2 icsi embryo and 1grade1 ivf embryo by day 2. both were put bsck on day 2. one of the 11 eggs was fragmented and one wasnt mature enough. the remaining 2 just didn't fertilise. finally got our follow up appointment date for this month.
dh isn't keen to do ivf again due to the cost and lack of guarantee it would turn out any different. ultimately he would do it if I decide I want to go ahead with it. he's also not keen to adopt.
I've given 2.5years of my life to this journey already and I feel so defeated and hopeless. how do you know when its time to stop and accept a life without children? what should I be asking at the follow up appointment?

[BeansMrSeanAndHeinz]

I couldnt read and run, I found the zita west book helpful to refer to, the research interviews at the back might be a bit out of date though.

we trudged through this for a few years too, so let me just wish you luck and none of the other lines you must be so sick of hearing.

[lildottie]

thanks beans. I've read that book, had her CD for the ivf cycle, researched every relevant thing out there. I guess feeling like there is nothing left I can do/research/try that I haven't already is what I'm finding hard.

[ChrisQuean]

I went through 4 ICSI cycles and one FET between the ages of 32 and 36. We have two wonderful DSs and my life is complete. We had a miscarriage and ectopic and failed cycle too, so lots of ups and downs and drama.

I think you just"know" when you accept and visualise a life without children and start taking steps towards it. If you've had enough you know. You are still young in IVF terms at 30 so you don't need to finalise anything yet. You can take a year out of assisted conception, consider your position and save up and see how you feel about another cycle In a year or so.

I was never ready to stop trying, DHand I were likewise focused on having a family and we desperately wanted children (I still have two frozen embryos and would use them tomorrow but DH has said enough). we found the money to continue. It was always eyes on the prize for us and we were very focused. It was worth the trying

[BeansMrSeanAndHeinz]

Sorry to hear that lil.

I bought the Alan beer book too, if you want to rehome it then ping me your details but no worries if not.

[jessplussomeonenew]

Sorry you're having such a tough time of it. Just to say I found Anya Sizer's book Fertile Thinking really good on dealing with the stresses of infertility and thinking through choices like this.

[lucieloos]

Hi lil, sorry you are having a tough time. From what I've read a lot of clinics say to think of ivf as a 3 cycle process. Just as most people don't get pregnant the first time of trying naturally it can also be the same with ivf but the odds do increase with each try. I think the odds of success with my clinic after 3 tries are 65-70% which is pretty good. Although I do understand what a costly business it is but if you are fortunate to have some tries available on the nhs then definitely go for it.

Have you had all the tests, hysterscopy etc to check for any problems? Could be worth trying a scratch which helps with implantation.

[lildottie]

thanks beans and jess I'll have a google of those books.

Lucie I got pg from ivf first try and miscarried at 5 weeks. not sure how I feel about putting myself through another ivf just for the same to happen again. we only had one funded cycle for ivf so any more we have to pay for. the money isn't an issue as we both earn fairly well and have savings. but where do you draw the line. how many ivfs is too many. I know its not that simple and the answer is different for everyone. atm I can't see myself adopting, bit I can't see myself childless either. I guess that's my answer. if only it were that easy to just keep going!

[BeansMrSeanAndHeinz]

Let me know if you think the Alan beer would help and I'll post it Lil

I agree everyone has a number and its deciding what that is. I read about a couple who had 20 goes and were successful, but that's a lot of money.

I think chris has a point, that at 30 you could pause for a bit and evaluate.

And I would suggest you get copies of all your notes to date so if you move clinics they don't have to start over.

[bberry]

Life is just shit sometimes isn't it?

I think everyone has a different financial/emotional/physical limit...

I had reached my emotional limit and was ready to stop at 8 ivf tries, dh wanted to do one more, so we did... Unfortunately it didn't work out for us either...

We now have an amazing young family by adoption ... Not the right choice for everyone but it was for us as I couldn't imagine a life without children.... The 6 month break from ivf before our adoption journey was a time to grieve the biological child we would never have....

Oh, and feeling no twangs of inner pain at others pregnancy announcements and being able to watch obem was a massive indicator too!

Allow yourself to feel the pain, I know it's really really hard.....

Very un mumsnetty hugs for you (and your dh)

[lildottie]

beans I've pmd you

bberry I'm sorry you didn't get your biological child. you are so string to have done so many cycles! do you mind me asking how you felt about adoption before you decided to stop ttc? I feel I can't rule it out but I can't get my head around bringing someone else's child into my home. is that something you get past?

[bberry]

Thanks, but no need to be sorry.... I have amazing children and I couldn't imagine or want my life to be any other way

I always viewed adoption as the next step tbh as I always knew I would love my child no matter how they joined my family. Going through the process and the prep group training I have to say that I did have a few wobbles as the reality of the childrens back stories and possible long term effects of abuse/neglect can have became more real...

You both need to be 100% as it's a real leap of faith.... But the other option was no children... And I knew I didn't want that.

Oh, and if you think people say stupid things about ivf, crank up the rudeness volume for adoption....

[Guin1]

Feeling for you, OP - infertility is just such a heartache.

Regards the 'how do you know when it's time to give up IVF?' question, that depends partly on how much you want a child/what you picture your life could look like without one.

You have only had one cycle, not much in IVF terms. Lots of people fail their first cycle but go on to have success in future cycles. Lots of natural pregnancies also sadly end in early mc, but are followed by successful pregnancies. Bear in mind, too, that your mc was very recent, and the emotion associated with that will still be very strong. You may find that once you have gotten over that shock and allowed yourself time to grieve, you will see things more clearly.

At your follow-up, ask if they can suggest why so few of your eggs made it to embryos. Would donor eggs/embryos be a possibility in the future? As PPs have said, you are still young and have time for a break to consider your options and look at various different future life paths.

[farfallarocks]

You are still so young and your first cycle did work even though you sadly had a miscarriage, I would not be anywhere near giving up in your shoes especially if you have the money to do more.
The fact that your DH's sperm has improved also means a natural BFP is a possibility I imagine.
I think most people get pregnant after 3 cycles and my consultant certainly encouraged us to see IVF a 3 course treatment.
Good luck!

[eatyourveg]

db and his wife went through 4 cycles (only one funded) and then adopted twin babies.

[Naty1]

So 5 fertilised but didnt continue growing to day 2?
Or were they very slow growing?
I think although sadly not the outcome you wanted it is still encouraging you did get pg, so it can implant. Early mc is often random genetic causes.
2 embryos to put back is not too bad it increases the chance of it working.
We only ever had 1-2 embryos and have got pg twice out of 3 full cycles. It seems to me the important thing is the quality of the embryos, when i had b and b/c grade it didnt work but did with a/b grade ones.
Were the embryos the correct number of cells for day 2 (4cells)
It seems unusual to have so many fertilise but then stop growing so early. We had low fert rates but all that fert kept growing to day 3 for et.
Maybe that is a question for your review.
I wouldnt give up yet.

[lildottie]

thanks everyone. I have picked myself up from my doom and gloom the other day and do now finally have a date for my follow up appt at least. I know there are others out there who have dealt with worse journeys than I have encountered so far, and you've all helped me realise that it is a journey and I'm really quite near the start. any of us who get off the train early are blessed! I so appreciate the support of all the amazing women in mn. you give me the strength to keep going!