How do you cope with pregnancies?

[TapDancingPimp]

I hope this post doesn't offend anyone, it certainly isn't my intention but keeping it within the infertility section I hope it'll be ok.

I'm just looking for support/coping mechanisms really. I'm ashamed to admit it but friends' pregnancies are killing me . Not literally obv

In my circle of friends, one is currently pregnant (her third) and another two are ttc their second. I know the announcements are imminent and I hate myself for saying it, but I'm dreading it

It's like a knife in the chest. I just imagine them getting their BFP, the sheer ecstasy they must feel at successfully conceiving, how do they do it??

Anyway, if anyone can offer any advice it's greatly welcomed.

[GoooRooo]

TapDancingPimp I hope I am not out of line for posting here as I have a DS and another on the way - but it was a very long road to get here including five years of infertility before DS and a miscarriage before my current pregnancy.

I had a very, very hard time with other people's pregnancies. Interestingly, I didn't have the same problem with other people's babies or children - I don't know why that is.

I had to remind myself constantly that their gain was not my loss. They hadn't taken anything from me and their pregnancies were not the reason that I couldn't get pregnant. I know that sounds INSANE but when you are desperate for a baby you start to believe all sorts of nonsense.

I was, unfailingly, pleased for them and never ever showed them that I was upset in any way. Their joy should not have been diminished because of my pain - but I did, more than once, cry at home when alone.

It helped me to make them gifts - I cross stitched birth samplers for my two closest friends when they had children. It was proof to myself that I could be a big person and a good friend about it and, I hope, it showed them that I was being supportive when they knew I was struggling with infertility as I've always been very open about it.

I do not wish infertility on my worst enemy. I had some very bitter moments and it took a lot to deal with pregnancies so I really do feel your pain

[Tootsiepops]

Close friend of mine got pregnant by accident - whilst on the pill - after a one night stand.

The jealousy I experienced when she told me was unlike anything I've ever felt before. It physically hurt. I didn't stop crying for two days, and had to phone in sick to work.

I reacted so badly because the sheer fucking injustice of it was overwhelming.

I had to tell her I was having a hard time, that I was happy for her but I needed to take a step back from our friendship for a while - particularly as we approached what would have been my due date from my ectopic pregnancy.

She was the kindest, most understanding human being alive about the whole thing. I later found out from her sister that she'd been so very worried about telling me because she knew it was going to hurt me (she knew we'd been trying for a while and she knew about my EP). I feel very guilty about that, but I also love her intensely for thinking about me.

Her little boy has since arrived safely and I adore him. He's just beautiful and full of smiles. Every single bit of bitterness, envy & negativity disappeared the moment I met him.

I think I learned that it's ok to be honest with friends. If they're good friends, they'll understand.

[Darkchoc]

So pleased this issue has been posted as it normalises how some of us feel. I am so pleased when I see others pregnant, but am also sad too, as I desperately want a second child and I'm already 41 and time is against me.

I'm currently experiencing the horrid flip side of this situation. A friend with whom both me and my little one are (were) close to, fell off the radar last autumn/late summer...she started to cancel meetings and stopped texting, calling. This was really hard on my l.o as plans would be made and she'd cancel last minute without considering the impact upon my l.o who would be excited about meeting her daughter who is the same age. Try explaining that to a 3 yr old. She didn't even send a xmas card or xmas/new year wishes.

Anyhow, another close friend (male) bumped into her husband in early Feb and announced she's pregnant with their second child. Emotionally, I fell apart when I heard this news, not just because she is pregnant (I am happy for her, but yes jealous), but moreover because she knows I want another child and she does not want to be around me or even share her fantastic news with me. I think she must be 6 or 7 months pregnant (perhaps even close to delivery) now and her decision has brought an end to our friendship. To be quite honest, I don't want to see her again. I spent about 5 months constantly blaming myself for her silence, wondering whether I had said or done something out of character...and all along she has just been pregnant with this amazing news she could have shared with me. I then realised that the problem is not me and my desire to have another child, but she is the problem and she is projecting her own insecurities. I now know that the last few times we met she was actually pregnant.

We only live 5 mins from each other and she works at the bottom of my street as does her husband!

[strawberry1202]

I agree this issue needs more airing as it can be so painful. My only advice, based on how I felt going thru it, is that firstly you shouldn't feel bad about how you feel. It's v natural and prevalent, and all the emotional turmoil of infertility is enough to deal with. The second thing for me was that really good friends who are aware of your circumstances understand that you can't fully participate in their happiness, and those friendships will survive how painful this is. One of my best friends found out she was pg with her 2nd when I was in the teeth of ivf, and she wrote me a lovely email telling me the news and saying that she understood how sad it would make me, that she thought I'd prefer to hear by email and avoid the pressure of giving a happy response in person (she was dead right) and that I cld get in touch whenever I wanted. it is/should be possible for people to see past their own immediate happiness and be sensitive.