dropped daughter at uni, already crying down the phone :-(

[nerfqueen]

Dropped daughter at uni today 3 hours from home. She said the minute she got there she wanted to come home and I could tell she was close to tears when I left. 4 hours after I left she phones me up to ask where something is but cries down the phone for 10 mins. I said all the right things but the minute she hangs up Im crying!

She only turned 18 in August so has very little experience of drinking / clubbing which worries her. Shes lost confidence in her subject despite gaining A* grade a levels. Her boyfriend ended their 6 month relationship 5 days ago as he didn't think the distance of different unis would work. All this on top of what I guess is gonna be normal homesickness.

Is what she is feeling quite normal, everyone on her corridor seems to be enjoying themselves whilst all she is doing is crying.

I feel awful, just want to hug her. She feels awful, Help, any advice appreciated x

[daffsntulips]

what she is feeling is normal...lots will be feeling the same but some hide it more!

my dd was v worried about her lack of drinking/clubbing experience. She has just started her second year and is v happy- she drinks occasionally but still hasn't been in .

How far away is she? have you arranged when you will next see her? if she is homesick it will n=be better if you go and see her, rather than her come home as ime coming home can make it worse.

[MajesticWhine]

She will be ok. I remember those first days at uni. I was really young too, had also just turned 18 the August before. I'm sure a lot of the others are away from home for the first time and finding it strange. That was crap timing by the boyfriend . Hopefully she will be making new friends by tomorrow. There will be loads of social events to ease her in, and I imagine not everyone will be getting wasted.

[playinthedarkness]

As the mum of a 2nd yr I can reassure you it will get easier, for you both! Encourage her to join some societies (dd has become chair of film society!) and do what daffsntulips says, plan a visit to her first rather than home. I worried bout my dd but uni made her blossom!

[tealady]

Dropped my ds at Uni today as well. He is very shy, doesn't drink or like parties really and also a summer birthday. I am worrying about him too so you have my sympathy.

She will be feeling tired today after all the preparations and stress of the first day so talk to her again tomorrow and I expect she will be brighter. I am sure it will get better over the next days/weeks.

[Headofthehive55]

Agree that visiting her will be helpful.

Regular FaceTime? Lots of texts, messages?

Awful timing of bf. I can really throw them especially when do not have their usual support networks. It might be that rather than homesickness.

Makes you feel rotten doesn't it. Mine didn't want to go back to her second year and cried the night before. it was horrid seeing her drive off to return knowing she wasn't looking forward to it.

[backinl00p]

Another One here with a DS just dropped off at uni who is very shy doesn't care for clubs etc. he's being very brave but I can see how hard it is. He's miles away so we won't see him til christmas. You have my sympathies as all I kniw is what people say - lots going through the same thing and hopefully it gets easier very soon.

[poorbuthappy]

I was 18 on the 22nd August and dropped in uni and left a month later.
I was fine. Because I wanted to be fine. So as much as you want to go get her, if you know in your heart of hearts that she will be fine then she will be.

[Savagebeauty]

My dd has only had 2 glasses of wine in her first 2 weeks....she never goes clubbing.
She has met likeminded people.
There are lots of them.
She does suffer from anxiety and wobbled this week and has come home for the weekend ....but I've been quite brusque with her .

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

It's all totally normal. I left behind my boyfriend and friends, my horse and of course my family. I cried my eyes out on the journey up there and I really didn't want to go. In the end I had an absolute blast, best days of my life in many ways. I'm sure she'll be fine once she's met a few people.

[Headofthehive55]

savage She might get better over time. She might just need to regroup and have another go.

[Mumteedum]

Big hugs to all parents dropping adult children at uni.

All I can say by way of reassurance is that even the oddest, shyest kids can find themselves. I'm a lecturer. Just seen a bunch of total 'misfit' tutees move on to their second year last week. They're sharing a house. They have all sorts going on between them (aspergers and other needs) and yet they're independent and making progress and supporting each other.

It's a big moment but I'm sure there are thousands of caring tutors and support staff up and down the country looking out for your sons and daughters.

It'll be ok.

[Headofthehive55]

It is normal to want to visit home. By the end of last year my DD was coming home every two to three weeks and was much happier than trying to stay at uni all the time.

[Savagebeauty]

She said last night she can't wait to go back to uni !!!

[Headofthehive55]

There you go savage glad she is feeling good about it. She perhaps needed to pop home see you and then is happy to go back.

[EmmaWoodlouse]

Apart from the break-up my DS was feeling very similar when I left him 2 weeks ago. He now sounds fairly happy and has made some friends on his own terms - they seem OK about the fact that he doesn't drink a huge amount. What tends to happen is they all go to a pub or the Students' Union and then those that do want to drink a lot go on to a club or another bar while the others go back to hall and just hang out in the kitchen. I honestly never thought I would be dispensing reassurance that it does get better this soon!

Obviously your DD has one more thing to contend with in having split up with her boyfriend but I doubt if her age has as much to do with it as you think - lots of other parents I know with kids who started recently have reported them feeling just as nervous and sad in the first few days. Meeting a whole new bunch of people will probably help her through the boyfriend situation, not in the sense that she'll immediately get another one, but she's not in a place where he leaves a gap, if you see what I mean. She's in a new environment where he never was.

We will get to see DS soon as my other DS is going to an open day at his uni. I'm half expecting him to be completely transformed, but realistically I think he will at least be a bit more confident than he was.

[juneau]

Is this the first time she's been away from home? If so, I'd say that yes, her feelings are normal, especially on top of a painful break-up and the fact that she's young to be starting uni.

The others who are giving the impression of enjoying themselves may well be older (either born earlier in the year, or having taken a year out), or they may have been to boarding school, or they may just be better at putting on their 'game face' and giving the impression that they're happy and having a good time!

I was almost 20 when I went to uni, having taken a year out, plus I'd been to boarding school for seven years, and I still found Fresher's Week rather intimidating, because everyone is a stranger and you don't know where anything is and you want to make friends and give a good impression - all of which is really stressful. And I'm a natural extrovert, so god knows how stressful it is for someone quieter, younger and away from home for the first time.

[lalamumto3]

We also dropped our DD yesterday, she is 2 hours away. She was okay when we left but said that last night at midnight she would have happily left and come home.

We stayed over and then took her to lunch today and she had a cry. We told her that she will become more settled and will enjoy it, but it will take time. We also said that she has to decide how it works for her, not anyone else.

May be worth reminding your DD that it is important to eat at meal times, f she gets tired have a nap, sleep is important. I'm terrible if I'm tired and hungry.

DD is in self catered halls, I thought all of the new students looked equally excited and anxious, so tell her she is not alone.

Hope she feels happier soon, I am on tender hooks for my DD, so fingers crossed for them both

[Millymollymama]

Mine was an August birthday - clubbing beforehand - yes! Borrowed ID. They do it! They would be a perennial wallflower if they didn't bend the rules occasionally. 18th birthday parties would have been missed!

Catered halls are better for the shy student. It gives more opportunities to meet and not cook alone. Homesickness passes. Mine never had it but I really would not have them home all the time. It just means they don't need to settle and make friends. They will be opting out rather than opting in. Going to university and living away from home is a great experience. Parents should not be needed all the time.

[Headofthehive55]

Moving away is a process milly and just because you need to come home a bit at first will not stop you becoming independent.

Some people just need to be near their families more I guess. I am very glad that my mum didn't question my need to go home a lot when I was at university. Going to uni may be a great experience, it isn't for everyone,( it wasn't for me) just as school is not always the best years of your life.

People learn to cope away from home at different speeds, there are no prizes for getting there first.

I have know people, struggle at uni and then go and live on the other side of the world.

[Liomsa]

I thought parents in this country were absolutely obsessed by the summer birthday thing when their children started school - I have literally never heard it mentioned in my country of origin - but this is the first time I have seen it discussed seriously as an issue for university age offspring. Really?

OP, I know it's hard for you, but she'll either rediscover her love for her subject, or decide it isn't for her and change courses. And while her boyfriend's timing was cruel, I think it's a blessing in disguise. I've seen too many situations where a homesick fresher never really settled because they were continually rushing off to stay with a boy- or girlfriend in their hometown or at university at the other end of the country. She'll settle far better now without spending three hours on the phone to him every night, or worrying about trying to 'keep' him at a distance.

[HaloEveSteve]

I cried loads when I first went to uni. I've got an August birthday too so had not long turned 18, I'd never been away from home or my friends and family. I got over it quickly enough and ended up having a great time.

I remember the first time I went to a proper club during fresher's week. I was petrified. I also thought I was stupid. I confused a public school education and accent for intelligence (not saying none of them are intelligent) and it took me a while to realise that just because I didn't speak a certain way etc, didn't mean I was any less intelligent.

My one wish, if I could turn back time, I wish my mum could have let me know she loved me or missed me (if she did). I think I would have been a lot more secure. I rarely came home as I had a job and was involved in some extra curricular stuff, I wish my mum had asked me to come home once in a while, or made an effort to come and see me. Don't be afraid to let you dd know you miss her is what I mean I guess.

[RhodaBull]

Will be at this stage next year [floods of tears emoticon] but what bothers me (always one for worrying early!) is that at some universities you have to choose your next-year housemates in the first term . Dn is at Bristol and is very outgoing and she was yah-ing on about knowing immediately who would be a suitable housemate and who was a loser. My ds (non-drinking, non-partying, nerdy geek) would most definitely be in the out crowd. What terrible pressure to have to run around desperately seeking soulmates after only being somewhere a few weeks. It would be like not being picked for games all over again.

[whitecloud]

Nerfqueen - here's hoping things are better for your dd. HaloEveSteve is so right - tell her you love her and are there for her. Encourage her to confide in you because IME she really needs your support at this time. I told my dd I wanted to know if things were tough as well as if they were great. Then they can relax a bit more knowing that they have your support. Give them all the help you can by text and phone calls and it helps them cope with whatever situation they find themselves in.
RhodaBull - this can indeed be stressful. Some people meet their best friends early and some don't. My dd didn't and ended up in a flat with people she didn't know very well - not ideal, but she survived it so your son will too if he has to. He might be lucky and meet his true friends in the first few weeks. Eventually they do make friends and it does get easier.

The BBC website has details of support groups and Woman's Hour on Radio 4 has been discussing the issue of loneliness and anxiety among university students. I'm glad people are realising that not everyone is having a ball from the first moment!

[Fairenuff]

Come and joins us over here OP, plenty of people in the same boat (or boats of varying similarity).

[Grazia1984]

Poor her. I expect it will improve. I was 17 ( a year young) when I went but was fine and I didn't drink at all at university. There are more and more parties for non drinkers and plenty of clubs which do not involve drinking. It did me no harm not drinking alcohol by the way. Let her stick to her guns on that.