DD took a Uni exam in August ! She is possibly not telling truth . ???

(27 Posts)
fakeblondie Sat 14-Sep-13 02:21:56

So we had to rearrange our hol for an exam which the Uni apparently didn't publish the date for until the week before !
DD insisted she had this exam because they didn have jan exams but that if she fails she can't return for her 3 rd year .
I say it all sounds a bit odd . Exams in Aug when Uni is pretty much closed and off the course after 1 attempt !
I've just googled and all exams in August are coming up as resists which she denies.
She is also burying her head in the sand about her QTS exams which involves a maths test . She had 3 or 4 attempts to gain a C in maths so I am very concerned she won't pass this and even come out a teacher if she passes the actual degree .
She has partied for 2 years and although she obviously loves teaching she has no discipline or motivation to put much effort into her actual studies .
i Stupidly allowed my mother to pretty much do everything for her all her life including all her school coursework (which I didn't know about at time )
When I found out I put a stop to it and caused huge family rift but felt she needed to do her studies herself . She mostly did at A level but oly just scraped her place with an amazing personal statement lots of voluntary work and a good interview.
Now the work has really started she isn't doing it . I know she's just doing the bare minimum .She spends all her time shopping spending money she doesn't actually have and working which we asked her not to too because she should be studying . But she wants more money than we can give her which is a reasonable amount, plus her job money plus she took out a loan which she didn't need and she has credit cards and a student overdraft fgs.
I think she is going to come out with a huge debt and very little else .
She just laughs and says if she goes abroad for a year it gets written off !

I have even offered to pay for private tuition and in fact had a guy come twice when she comes home to work but she decided she wold rather have a bloody diving lesson !
Sorry just needed to get it off my chest . We are so upset . Don't like watching her spend so much money when it isn't even hers and she thinks we are sad because we don't buy nice things and expensive food . She has Sainsburys delivery fgs and she only lives in the house Mon to thur !
I just feel really uncomfortable about the whole thing and my mother will blame me entirely for anything that goes wrong because she is obsessed with her !

DropYourSword Sat 14-Sep-13 02:40:55

The debt doesn't get written off if she moves abroad. It maybe used to, but hasn't for years now. I wish mine had been written off!

However, all her finances are HERS to deal with. If she gets herself into trouble she's the one who needs to sort it out. Worrying or trying to help her didn't teach her any lessons. She'll make her own mistakes and learn from them.

holidaysarenice Sat 14-Sep-13 03:12:40

Wow, I think she needs to do her growing up.

Money wise, sometimes just writing down x borrowed at x amount on cc for x time costs total x. Don't give it to her but leave it lying about. It might plant the seed about money. Let her think the idea was hers.

Its hard to give advice, it obviously sounds like you are at the end of your tether and struggling to do the best for her. I hope your ok

Essexgirlupnorth Sat 14-Sep-13 05:50:08

Yes August exam most probably a resit. Maybe it will shock her into working harder next term.
As for Debt does not get written off if you go abroad. I still had to pay mine back when I worked in Australia for a year and had to call the students loans company from heathrow after they messed up the direct debit.
She is an adult and is responsible for her own actions so you might have to leave her too it.

Roshbegosh Sat 14-Sep-13 05:58:07

Yes it is a resit. Definitely. She mst not pay for next year's accommodation upfront until she gets her result. As for her working or partying and getting into debt for nothing, it must be terribly distressing for you but she is an adult and it is not your problem. She will have to grow up fast when reality hits her in the teeth and then she will realise you were right, or maybe your mother will step in and make it all go away so she can keep your DD close and still as a dependant baby.

prissyenglisharriviste Sat 14-Sep-13 05:58:12

I live in Canada. Paid off my student loan.
Time to make her responsible for her own actions, methinks. You are enabling her.

Don't give her any more money, for a start. If she has to get a job to pay for her partying, she might realise the value of her own money, and be less keen to borrow other people's that she is going to have to pay back.

How is she planning to afford to go abroad for a year anyway? Bank of mum and dad?

prissyenglisharriviste Sat 14-Sep-13 06:00:05

(Oh, and yes, resist, deffo. Possibly not because she failed the first NE, she just might not have bothered to sit the exam - not turned up, and made up some story about being sick or whatever. I'm betting this is the basis for her 'oh, no I didn't FAIL anything' routine.)

You changed your holiday at a week's notice for an adult? More fool you.

CairngormsClydesdale Sat 14-Sep-13 06:10:48

Yep, that's a resit alright. In her defence though I do seem to remember my uni publishing the resit schedule only 4 weeks before them - but telling you 1 week before sounds like super-denial!

As for student loans/writing off of debt - ha! I dropped out of uni in the end and the student loans company not only wanted their money back - but they wanted me to pay it back toot sweet - no grace period like the graduates got! I did in fact go abroad, so they harassed my parents until I coughed up.

mummytime Belgium Sat 14-Sep-13 06:18:48

You Mother does sound partly to blame. But I would strongly suggest you minimise strongly what you do to rescue your daughter. She needs to grow up fast.

Actually the good bits are: she has a part time job, and she is learning to drive. Both of these might help her pay off her debts eventually, but she does need to do that herself.

I agree her exam was a resit. People resit for all kinds of reasons, but if she wasn't studying for it then she may not have passed.

I would also suggest you don't get her a tutor unless she asks for it, and generally let her deal with her own life. But don't fund it! If she wants help, give her advice.

lunar1 Sat 14-Sep-13 06:48:40

I had exams in the summer but was a nursing student so only had 3 weeks off. This does sound more like a resit. We also knew the dates months in advance.

LoopyLoopyLoopy Sat 14-Sep-13 06:55:05

It was a resit.

She is an adult. She needs to make her own mistakes. Stop funding it.

QTS tests are easy.

Living abroad and sadly paying off my student loan. Still. 10 years later. Still over 20K left on it. hmm

Dressingdown1 Sat 14-Sep-13 06:59:33

If it's any comfort, DD2 partied and played her way through her first two years at uni and failed several exams at the end of the second year. It scared her s***less and she really pulled herself together after that.

She got a reasonable degree and now has a wonderful job which she loves.

burberryqueen Sat 14-Sep-13 07:05:13

whoever has told her the debt will be written off is sorely mistaken.
tbh changing your holiday dates was not necessary she is an adult now,
you should have gone without her.
and do not pay for private tuition!!!

SavoyCabbage Sat 14-Sep-13 07:06:05

Also paying off my student debt from abroad.

You shouldn't be changing holiday plans and the like. She shouldn't be going on holiday! What does she need a holiday from? Her party life.

SarahJayne321 Sat 14-Sep-13 07:07:38

Most probably a resit.

When I had resist we knew the week it would be shortly after results were published. We found out the exact date and time a week before.

partyondude Sat 14-Sep-13 07:14:57

I assume she's doing teacher training. Without commitment and application she won't survive as a teacher.
Maybe she should consider a different course or a different career. It might be possible to transfer using the credits she has already earned.

baggyb Sat 14-Sep-13 07:22:37

No doubt in my mind at all it's a resit. She'll have known in late June/early July she would have one and the exact week (although maybe not which day etc)...trust me, I've unfortunately been there!

mumeeee Sat 14-Sep-13 11:06:27

It would have been a resit. DD2 didn't always tell me what was going on at uni and I was fine with that and she is an adult. Your DD having a part time job is good at least she is earning some money. She does need to be a lot more committed to be a teacher though. She will need to pay of her debts even if she's abroad. I think you need to step back and let her get on with it. She needs to grow up.

Tabby1963 Sat 14-Sep-13 11:23:48

Stunned that your mum did all her course work at school. What a silly woman! Did she do that for you too?

Don't be an enabler like your mum!

Step right back and let her get on with it. Don't offer to pay for extra tuition, you will be wasting your money, let her waste hers if she wants extra help with studies.

Luckily she is working so if Uni doesn't work out just now, she can still work for a living. Maybe one day, when she has grown up a bit, she can return to Uni and get her teaching degree (she'll probably have to completely fund it herself) when she is actually motivated to complete it.

Don't offer to pay off debts because you will just be enabling her to be dependant for longer. Let her struggle to work it out for herself. It will be good practice for her to live in the real world not the mollycoddled bosom of the family.

Finally, she can book her own holidays, you don't have to take holidays to suit her now...

Good luck!

fakeblondie Sat 14-Sep-13 14:33:40

Wow thanks everyone for your comments.
I really didn't expect to have so many replies-esp mostly agreeing with what I already feel.
I have tried to make her responsible for her own actions-for eg because she was earning so much money over the summer this last few years (I mean 150 per week sometimes ) and spending it on absolute crap I refused to buy her provisional. I said I would buy her some lessons when she saved the 80 or whatever for her provisional. Just one small example I know but I felt really sure about this.
My mum secretly bought her provisional plus 20 double driving lessons ( omitting her epilepsy on form but that another story ).
I have 4 children-they all had the grand total of a tenner for Christmas.
I could go on.
My mum went hysterical literally to the point of my father throwing us out one Christmas because I asked her to please stop giving her money when we were going without and she was spending money like water.
My mumwas actually drunk but told us our daughter was suicidal with the workload of uni ,stress and her chip shop job ----which we repeatedly asked her to give up to study !

Mummytime thank you for pointing out the good bits, and yes she does in fact have many. She is a good sister and friend too. Unfortunately she has been led to believe she can always have instant gratification because my parents will always give her what she wants.Totally and completely against everything we believe in.
I am weak because if I stand up to my parents they will certainly disown me.
I know that would be their loss and many would say let them loss but I cannot let that happen I do not like them but I love them.
When I say they are obsessed with her I am talking axtrem-they took her when she was little and I was young and honestly didn't realise what they were doing. They will never see thst how their undermining me in every way has affected her.
How different my other 3 are ! DD 2 just told me she has borrowed some wellies from a friend for a field trip because she didn't want to ask for new ones as she knew id just paid some huge bills !
I will try and sit back and let her do her own thing as someone said if I get a tutor ect I will be an enabler like my mother !
I agree with Tabby- I think will be a hug and very expensive learning curve, and that if she really wants to teach she will come back in a few years more committed-there are other ways into teaching-and watching her do her gcse maths 4 or 5 times showed me she can commit when she wants to !
Any idea when she might expect to get the results of this Aug exam ( resit ?? )
maybe she`ll pass ! xxx
Oh the joys

duchesse Sat 14-Sep-13 14:45:48

Just wanted to say DS (20 yo) had a resit in August of a January exam he fucked up. He did not know until the first week in August exactly when the exam was (although he knew it would be some time in August) which presumably is part of the punishment as it entirely messes up their month of August. I was underwhelmed by the lack of notice- it doesn't exactly help students plan their time more effectively nor arrange to do something over the summer since it lands slap bang in the middle of the vacation. However I hope he is not stupid enough to fail another exam.

Re your daughter- she is legally an adult. I think it is time she learned to make mistakes and manage them herself. she needs to know that she is pretty much on her own with this- she ought to find the inner resources to deal with it. But you do need to talk to your mum about her degree of involvement in your daughter's lack of responsibility.

duchesse Sat 14-Sep-13 14:48:17

and re the result- DS got his earlier this week so I would have thought your DD ought to have hers by now as well. If she has failed it she may have to resit her year. DS's was an "allowed" fail, which means he still failed the module but scored high enough to be allowed to continue his course. hmm Not sure what he'll have learned there. I hope that he ought to work harder at the things he finds difficult, but only time will tell.

creamteas Sat 14-Sep-13 18:49:16

The exam board for our resit students is this week coming.

If a student fails their resits, they might be asked to leave, repeat the year, or to retake alongside current year (eg repeat a 2nd year module in addition to their 3rd year work).

We make the decision on the basis on their overall academic progress.

DalmationDots Mon 16-Sep-13 14:15:52

Agree with mummytime- there are positives - she has a job and is on a course with great potential. She just seems to need to mature.

I agree there is little you can do about your parents without ruining your own relationship with them. Is there ways you can gently point out to your mother the issues or is that just going to lead to a big blow up?

I think you just have to leave things, not give her any money personally (things like the provisional like you did), let her grow up and get to a point where she wants to do well.
The debt is her problem, she has the potential with her degree (if she passes) to go on into a good and well paid job and so she can deal with it herself. If she started before the 9k fees then the payment scheme is very reasonable for her student loan.

Primary teaching is something you definitely need a lot of motivation and passion as it is a lot harder than many who start the course expect and you have to give 100% everyday when you are on placement or you will fail!

Confront her about the retake, try and make things open and honest - say it is OK and you want to support her and would rather she felt she could have told you. Getting angry about lying probably will just make things worse and push her away further.
I'm surprised she has exams, most primary ed courses only have the QTS tests...And don't worry the QTS tests are not hard, just require a bit of practice.

You seem to be doing all the right things, keep strong - I'm sure with time she will learn to take things more seriously and become more committed to her course.

fakeblondie Tue 17-Sep-13 17:16:45

Omg she passed !

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