Am I being unfair to DH?

[marialuisa]

I'm really struggling with a decision we need to make pretty soon.

We moved to our current location entirely for DH's work. This meant me giving up my ok job and taking a lower-paid job I hated until my current job came along.

We've been up here for 18 months and from DH's p.o.v. it's been a disaster. Funding he was promised has not materialised, he's been conned into taking on more teaching than he should etc. Meanwhile (and although i can't say I'm "at home" here)i've found a job i love and which I can honestly say i'm good at. DD is very happy in a lovely school. My life is probably better over all, than it was before,if i'm 100% honest.

DH is now wanting us to move again. There is no guarantee that the other uni would be better and TBH even if he had a personal chair he still wouldn't be earning our combined income IYSWIM. I cannot stand the thought of moving, i went through hell when we moved last time and i'm just not ready to do it again. BUT there's no denying that this isn't a good place for him to work and given he earns more than me and his skills are 100% NON-transferrable can i really insist that we stay here? (His current employer are offering to match other place's offer but would still have the other probs inherent in the dept. he works in).

Sorry-more of a cathartic rant than anything!

[MummyToSteven]

oh dear. if there is no guarantee that the other uni would be better - i.e. something concrete re:funding and hours, I don't really see the point in upheaving you all tbh. after all the other uni could be even worse than where your dh is at present. how far could he sort out him doing less teaching hours next academic year? how likely is it that your dh could hold on in his present job until something better came up within commuting distance?

[florenceuk]

Marialuisa, if your DH is like mine, then work is an integral part of his personality - if he is not happy at work then we as a family are not happy. It is only in the last few years he's found a job where he is mostly happy most of the time. For me, I am willing to do a lot to ensure that he maintains that equilibrium, otherwise life is hell. So if it were me, and the current situation was non-retrievable, I'd make the move. But I am happy not doing a particularly stressful job (actually not working at all at the moment!) and the school thing is not an issue for us.

[prufrock]

Just because he earns more than you doesn't mean he automatically has a right to have the exact job he wants at your expense.
Whilst I do think you should consider ways to make him happy (move, change jobs nearby, solve the inherent probs in his dept) you should give your happiness as much importance, and your dd's even more.

[hatter]

nice post prufrock. TBH 18 months isn't very long to pack it all in and move again. Can you suggest a compromise - give it another year, for example? He's in a good position if his current uni have offered to match his new offer in terms of salary - can't he negotiate some other changes too? If he sticks with it aren't there any positives on the horizion that could improve current job? I don't think you're being unfair - you went through considerable upheaval for him, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to reciprocate, as it were, by at least giving it a bit of a better shot. If he's in academia the chances are there'll be more upheavals in the future no? It's fair to ask him to try to minimise them.

[Marina]

Agree with Hatter and Prufrock...you don't want to be chasing that elusive perfect tenured post around the UK or even across the water when it may just not exist. Huge sympathies Marialuisa, I think we both know academic support posts vary widely and nice ones are not that easy to come by either. I would be loath to give up my personal fridge and staff room for example

[marialuisa]

Thanks everyone. We had a long chat last night and i think he's prepared to let this post go and give things a bit longer. Not least because he has an interview for another uni which would involve a house move but I could stay in my job.

I think DH has got his head in the clouds about what any job where he has to teach will be like. TBH I can see that he's crap at organising his time/prioritising and there is no uni in the U.K. where he will get under 20 hours contact time (below chair level). but he's not quie ready to accept that!

Anyway, we'll soldier on.

Marina-it's the nice biscuits and cream cakes in meetings that I'm attached to

[miranda2]

How do others plan out dual careers? Dh earns twice what I do, but we have a 'deal' that our careers take it in turns to have priority for moves - unless a dream job comes up for one of us.

[lavender2]

we've moved 6 times in 11 years of marriage and it has been based on dh's job and although it's been an upheaval he earns more than me...if I earnt more than him then I know he would go where the work was...this is only because we don't have a house of our own and so we have to go where the work and money is...at the end of the day you have to do what is right for you...what works for one family doesn't necessarily go well for another.

[marialuisa]

i think part of the problem is that although DH earns more than me it is only £10k more (gross) so in reality his monthly take-home isn't that much more than mine.

The real problem is that he isn't able to do anything other than what he does (neuroscience stuff) and there are a limited number of places in the U.K. where he could work and even fewer where we can afford to live!